Celebrities keep telling gay teens that “it gets better,” but they’re not really saying how. Here are some concrete ways that being gay improves your life.

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October 29, 2010

Don’t have to worry about getting pregnant

Your boyfriend's hot. Really fucking hot. Kill your neighbor's dog just so you can get a glimpse of the fucker hot. Your mind says abstinence but the fire in your loins says intercourse. You don't want to get knocked up and have to stop telling dead baby jokes. It's totally not worth it. The math is clear: man + woman = baby, but man + man = holy fucking shit. Gay men can fuck each other until the cows come home without getting pregnant!!! Time to call the doctor and cancel that vasectomy.

Naked locker rooms

Let's face it: high school locker rooms suck. They're gross, they smell, and you have to change under a towel so no one sees your junk. Thought this craziness continues into college? Think again! Post-adolescent locker rooms are swanky nudist colonies full of able-bodied gentlemen with exposed flesh. Granted, for every birthday-suited male model there are five old guys with wrinkled dicks and lopsided testicles. But it sure beats paying for a strip club.

No army

In a fit of patriotism, you signed up for the military. No one was forcing you, but you thought it would be fun and sexy. Until the commanding officer calls and says you have to ship out to Afghanistan. Fuck. Did not see that coming! You don't want to die for your country when you could be dancing up a storm in Boys Town. So you show up for your first day of training with a rainbow colored ascot and bam, dishonorable discharge. Homosexual pacifists one, armed forces zero.

Diversity status

It's Saturday night. You need a job, but you're not black, Asian, or qualified. Your unemployment has run out and the rent is due tomorrow. Shit, it's not looking good. But wait, you're attracted to other dudes and the local government office needs some redecorating. Looks like you're about to become the office's new token homosexual.

The Gay Mafia

Gays are eager to help other gays. You think straight people are like that?
Employee: You should hire my friend.
Boss: Why?
Employee: He's straight.
Boss: Well hot damn, I'm straight too. He's hired!