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Here is my first list, which is a selection of different items from my personal collection. I'm pretty sure if someone came in and questioned why I own any of these, I would lie and say someone gave them to me.
Published December 24, 2012 More Info »
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Published December 24, 2012

10. The Complete McGee and Me! DVD Set.

McGee and Me! DVD

I am not sure how many of you have seen this show,  but it was THE best christian kids show of all time.  This series was about a kid with an overactive imagination whose best friend is a cartoon character he drew in a notebook.  The two would get into zany predicaments that would end in a Biblical comparison, talking about the love of Jesus, and then ultimately resolving the problem peacefully.  The best episode is SKATE EXPECTATIONS, which is about a bully who wants to beat up a fat nerdy kid and so the main character decides to challenge the bully to a skateboard race.  The rest of the episode is the bully and his fat friends trying to set traps to keep the main character from winning.  The bully ends up crossing the finish line first, but the crowd watching decides the bully lost because he cheated, and then ultimately the fat nerdy kid doesn't get beat up.  In real life, that little kid would of been beat up, and the main character's skateboard would of been stolen. 

That's the ending I would of liked to see.

9. Deepthroat on Laserdisc

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If you've ever seen this film, and LIKED it, you are a disgusting individual.  Not only is everyone in this film disgustingly hairy,  but they also are incredibly unattractive.  Besides that, why would anyone who wants to jerk off to this decide

"Hey!  I have a great idea!  I really wanna Jerk Off to Hairy middle-aged people right now,  Let me pop in that gigantic disc and scan through the boring parts till I can get to the one part I wanna see!  This is resourceful!" 

It just doesn't make sense!  LD's do not make alone time with your hand manageable.  Especially since your hand will most likely be clammy immediately following your 2-4 minutes of intimacy, and if you were to then stop the LD and put it back in the sleeve, you'll get finger prints/nasty smudges on the Laserdisc that may compromise the integrity of the disc!  Why not just pop in that Betamax/VHS/U-Matic/Video8 and jerk away?

8. Angsty Goth/Industrial Zines from 1981-1993.

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Don't get me wrong!  I love the music that these people like!  Clan of Xymox?  Yes please. Sopor Aeternus? Definitely.  Death in June?  Check!  Even the new industrial stuff!  Have you heard NACHTMAHR?  That band took the aesthetics of the Nazi Party and mixed it with LSD fuelled Club beats.  It's brilliant!  However, these magazines make me feel like I need therapy. 

I have various zines from this catagory, upwards of 60 issues.  It's interesting, but I just don't feel the same way as these guys.  Look, I know the world sucks, and black make-up and gloomy riffs/beats always make people think you're expressing your individuality,  but come on guys!  Stop being so upset. 

My parents one day asked me why I have these magazines, and I didn't want to give them the impression that I was excited when I found them, so I said: 

"Ahh!  Yeah my friend (insert name) was throwing them out, so I decided to take them home and have a good laugh!"

When I was really thinking that I just paid 2-4 dollars per issue to find some obscure zines that are really quite interesting.  I then retreated to my room to read the earliest issue of MONDO I have. 

7. Jodorowsky Films on Imported Japanese Laserdiscs.

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Now you may be thinking: "These are awesome!"  and I agree with you 100%.  However, they really aren't all that awesome.  These films are like Eraserhead, they are great works of art, but their replay value is non-existant.  The first time I saw The Holy Mountain, I was over it.  It was cool up until the part when the Jesus looking character gets his butthole washed directly in front of the camera, and when that whole scene where the machine was getting screwed by the gigantic mechanical dildo came on I seriously spit coffee out onto one of my badass Goth zines and completely destroyed the best image of Robert Smith in his late 20's glory.  These films have their place in film/art history,  but there is absolutely no reason to own these unless I plan on rewatching them, or if they're worth a pretty penny.  That is why I own them.

Besides that, owning these films on an outdated format most likely makes me a hipster, and well, that's alright.  You can call me a Hipster, but Ill just repeatedly say that I did it before it was cool. ;-)

6. The Entire Full House Series on DVD.

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Screw You.  Full House is one of the best TV Shows ever made.  The episode where Jesse tries to ride his motorcycle on the edge of the parking garage roof to prove the point that he is still badass was the best episode ever.  This episode was on par with that episode of Saved By the Bell where Jessie was addicted to caffiene pills and she blurts out that terrible line: 'I'm so.....SCARED!!!'.  Comedy gold.

I tell people I own this entire series.  They laugh at me and call me stupid,  but then they list 6-7 episodes they thought were great.  This is a testimonial of sucessful marketing.  They hate it so much that they remember minute details of mundane moments in a great TV Show.

Just admit it.  You loved Full House.

5. Obscure Angry Crusty Punk 12" Records.

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There is nothing worse when you bring a girl home and she is impressed by your record collection, but then pulls out stuff like this, or BESK, or HEALTH HAZARD, or NOOTHGRUSH, or DISGUST.  She then questions your ability to actually comprehend intellectual conversations about politics, religion or social issuess.

You know why she would question that?  Because half of these Crusty and Anarcho-Punk bands have a very naieve understanding of politics and other issues.  I no longer care if Bush wanted oil.  I could care less if you hate Jesus and don't believe in God because you are an intellectual and concious Atheist, and that you don't eat meat because Animals have souls but you believe in abortion because it's the women's right to choose.  Lets face it, hypocracy and inaccuracy run rampant in this niche of the underground music world, but the message should never be the reason you listen to this music.  You should like it because of the painfully heavy chords and the drowning/depressing vocal stylings, and maybe to get a laugh or two at their elementary school understanding of politics.

I always make sure the spines of these records are facing toward the bookcase.  I love the music, but GOD the lyrics are awful.

4. Electric Dreams on Betamax.

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This is one of the items I'm not really ashamed of,  but I am ashamed of my treatment of this film.  I own this on Laserdisc, Betamax and VHS.  I haven't watched any of them since I bought them (2-3 years ago).  I have them in my collection, and I love the film(I hope you do too), but I haven't seen this movie in 10+ years, and even when I own it, I don't watch it. 

Seriously, this film is awesome.  It's one my top 25 list along with Rappin', Breakin' 2, Aspen Extreme and The Wave.  This film has a ton of replay value, and tends to be expensive if you are looking to buy one, but for some reason, I haven't given this film the treatment it deserves.  It's even on my main shelf! (I have over 8000 films on various formats, about 7550 are stored in my basement, and the rest are on my these shelves.)  This is the only one, with the exception of Edward Penishands 3, that I have not sat down and watched the copy I own.  For all I know I was ripped off and the tape doesn't play!  Why can't I just sit down and watch it?

I do not know...

3. Insane Clown Posse Mona Lisa Paintings.

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I am the artist who created these.  I am ashamed of making them, and owning them.  But they are great. 

Fuckin' magnets!

2. A Pull-String Kevin McAllister Doll.

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I don't know what's worse with this doll.  The fact that everytime I think of the word 'doll' I think of a stuffed thing that children sleep with.  But then it gets weird, I think of the McCauley Culkin I sat next to on a plane ride home in august 2012 who got pissed when I said hello.  Then I think of that McCauley Culkin as a pull-string doll,  and then I decide to stop thinking about him really quickly. 

The other issue I have with this, as well as my Pee-Wee pull-string, is that somehow overtime the pull mechanism broke in a way that it still works, but goes at 200% the correct speed.  So not only does he sound like a chipmunk, but he sounds like a dying chipmunk.  He says a couple phrases:

"I made my family disappear!"
"You guys give up? Or are you thirsty for more?"
and he does the trade mark scream.

Now the issue I have with this pull string is the scream.  It literally sounds like a dying human/chipmunk/burning kitten.  Anyone I show this too, pulls the string, listens to the sped up voice and laughs, but when they hear the scream they drop the doll and are like "eww, what the hell was that?"  It's what you would expect out of a toy from Dollman VS. Demonic toys (I use that film because it was horrible, and it would be funny if a deadly Culkin doll ws screaming at Dollman.)

I really want one of these in the box though.  Same with the Urkel pull-string doll.

I wont sleep with either of them.

 

1. AIDS Scare film on VHS.

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So this film is one of the best PSA films in the 90's.  It deals with CRUCIAL questions that teens have about AIDS.  Questions like:

"Can I get AIDS during anal sex?"
"Does AIDS get passed through sharing a soda?"
"Does AIDS effect women too?"

Plus there is a plethora of cameo's(that's probably the worst word to use in this sentence) of people who have contracted the virus and tell you how they got it,  why it ruined their life, and how to prevent it. 

This film is on par with the Christian smear films that bash musical talent and say that Satan empowered them to create power ballads and whatnot.  It is also up there with that one AIDS PSA where Sinbad played a condom. 

NOTE: Sinbad was so popular that he cameo'd as a condom.
NOTE: At one point, Sinbad was actually popular.

Say what you want.  I loved Houseguest.  Phil Hartman will always be missed.

Anyway, if you don't have AIDS, then ask a friend to give it to you,  or you may be able to get it cheap off eBay.

See what I did there?

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