big news y’all, my lips are super healthy. three people in one fine ass day asked me what brand of lipstick i was wearing and i said, “it's called healthy by me" because damn my lips are livin' the life aquatic. if y'all want super healthy lips, well very easy, just follow my 8 easy steps.

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January 19, 2013

1. diet

y’all need to eat better y’all need those vitamins e and b, and when i say ‘e’ and ‘b’ i’m talking elderberries & bananas, i’m NOT talking ecstasy and bomb-ass hennessy. y’all eat too much ecstasy and i don’t care how bomb-ass it tastes going down, y’all drink too much hennessy too.

2. moisturize

if you’re not moisturizing i need you to step aside right now and make room for the cats who are serious because this shouldn’t even be a bullet point, what kind of crusty ass gremlin doesn’t know how to moisturize. but you know what, i do this out of the goodness of my heart, i’m like a Ty Pennington without frosted tips, so okay, just remember to moisturize ya dummy.

3. don't speak

you want the skin on your lips to get caught in the wind like little dry ass kites? hell no, of course you don’t, so be quiet man. we got gmail and twitter so if you have something important to say sit the fuck down and open up some accounts, keep your passwords in a safe place and don’t speak anymore, keep those lips quiet and moisturized like a pair of jellyfish do you feel me.

4. cheese graters

i should put a line through cheese graters like this: 'cheese graters' because i don’t want you rubbing your lips against any more cheese graters man that’s the opposite of what we’re trying to accomplish, use your cheese graters for baby swiss and baby swiss only.

5. cigarette butts

i should put a line through this one too, like this: cigarette butts, because what’s wrong with you man don’t put your cigarettes out on your own lips you’re bringing whole new meanings to the term “ashy”.

6. change your name

if your name is Craig you need to change that to Marcus or some shit how are you gonna keep your lips moisturized with a name like ‘craig’ in fact how did you make it through preschool because i would’ve called you ‘cracked lips craig’ all day every day, i would whisper that shit in your ear during naptime.

7. carpe diem

seize the day motherfucker. this is just good advice.

8. and that's it

that's it y'all, that's how i keep it dewy, happy healthy lipping, and don't kiss a porcupine or an uprooted cactus or something gross.