Animals might find mates based on smell alone, but we humans are a little more advanced. We like to do a little window-shopping before we make our decisions and if somebody looks crazy, it’s pretty likely that they are crazy (case in point: Mickey Rourke, Lady Gaga, anyone on Jersey Shore). That’s why you’ve got to be careful about the way you present yourself. While guys and girls may not agree on the appeal of Jennifer Love Hewitt (girls hate her, dudes love her Hewitts), they can definitely agree on these big no-nos when it comes to the way a guy looks:

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August 26, 2011


While a pair of daisy dukes may work for a hot girl, they’re never okay for a guy.  Even those Brooklyn hipster skinny jean cut-offs are crossing the line, especially if you call them Jorts.  This isn’t 1993 and you’re not Karl Kani.  When it comes to denim, make sure the bottoms can touch your shoes or else you may be crying yourself to sleep every night.  And don’t even get me started on capri pants, Lance Bass.

“Let’s hear it for the boy, let’s give the boy a hand… sewing the rest of his jeans back on.”


There’s nothing wrong with a little heart that says mom on your bicep, but when you start inking up your face, you’re telling the world just how crazy you really are.  There are only two people that can pull of the face tattoo: Darth Maul and Mike Tyson.  Darth Maul only exists in the hearts of nerds and you’ll never be Mike Tyson, so unless you grew up raising pigeons in New York with severe rage control problems, keep the tats out of your headshot.

“What do you mean you didn’t get the job?”


Go ahead and use all the product you want, but if you pick a gel that turns your hair into a crunchy mess, don’t be surprised when you have to take your cousin to the prom.  In the history of the world, no woman has ever liked a dude with a crusty gelmet on their head and they’re not about to start now.  You don’t have to compromise—pick a product that can help you get the girl and doesn’t leave you with crunchy hair. You can thank me later.  Don’t drink and gel.

“CAUTION: Severe Tire Damage”


Resurrecting the hardwood heroes of your youth may sound like a good idea, but so did the Macarena once upon a time.  Besides, it’s hard to get girls if you’re not wearing sleeves.  If you insist on wearing a basketball jersey to anywhere other than a game, make sure it doesn’t make you look like Eddy Curry circa 2008.  Girls may like seeing the muscles you’ve been developing with your Shake Weight, but they definitely don’t want to see that pit hair.

“Eddy Curry just ate a hipster.”


When it comes to chest hair, it’s an all or nothing proposition.  Either you rock it out loud and proud or you go full monty and take it all off.  If you’re going to bother trimming it at all, why waste your time pruning your chest like a bonsai tree?  Just pretend you’re an Olympic swimmer and go for sleek and smooth.  Otherwise, show the world just how similar you are to our simian brethren.  Some girls get off on the manly man look but nobody like a chest sculptor.  It’s just creepy, dudes.

“In honor of American Idol, it’s supposed to be shaped like a cup of Coke.”