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October 21, 2011

5.  Sue Ellen Crandell - Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

Sure, the babysitter was a stone-cold bitch. She died. And Sue Ellen convinces everybody to NOT call the cops, but to pack up the body and dump it. Think about that for a second. What kind of human reacts that way? A selfish asshole. She goes on to commit some pretty serious forgery and a string of felonies along the way. She somehow ends up rocking her dream job and getting offered the thing even after her summer of crime is revealed. Does she take her dream job? No. Why? Because she's an idiot. I don't know. Why else? To go to college so that she can graduate and pursue her dream job? Good call, Sue Ellen. Asshole. If she weren't one? The Crandell children behave like normal human beings and probably have a pretty fun, safe summer. Kenny smokes a lot of weed, Melissa plays football and stuff, Zach scores with a bunch of chicks, Walter watches a lot of Jeopardy and nobody thinks crime is cool.

4. Every Single Child from Gatlin, Nebraska - Children of the Corn

Super evil cultist weirdos, plain and simple. These kids are just so bizarre, in a murdery kind of way. These are the kids who were too weird to be Mormons. These kids are too weird to be weird extras in a movie making fun of Mormons. But, to be fair, all of the adults in Gatlin are huge, raging pussies. They let a group of weird kids who would definitely go to high school with bibles systematically execute all of them. Actually, they kind of deserved it then. The kids were assholes, though.

3. The Grady "Twins" - The Shining

It's certainly  not Danny. What a trooper. Imagine: your dad goes to get a job. He learns that the previous caretaker had gone nuts, waxed his whole family and offed himself. Brutal. It'd be pretty nuts of his dad to take that. You know, since he's a barely recovering alcoholic who injured you in a brutal drunken rage. I mean, it's not like you had a psychic premonition about the whole situation or anything. I wouldn't even have the heart to ride around in a big wheel, pretty certain how this whole was going to turn out. 'Shit, dad's going crazy, which every single red flag and sign pointed to. Not good.' The biggest red flag? The creepiest set of twins ever to grace a screen. They didn't even do anything, but they had to be assholes when they were living to be that creepy in death. I just know they're creepy as hell. They probably had no friends when they were alive. Dick Hallorann was the man, though. Didn't have to do him like that. I blame the Grady twins.

2. Veruca Salt - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Ugh. This one is easy. This girl is an asshole from start to finish and nobody felt bad when she went down the chute. Bad eggs, man. Then everybody seemed pretty cool with just joking about her odds of survival and listening to a nice song about it.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             The snozzberries taste like acid.

1. Mutt Williams - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Just start with the name of the movie. This one should have been Plan B'd long before every really existing. I'm blaming Mutt (child is a stretch, but emotionally I could make the case) because if I had to latch onto something particularly bad in this forest full of shit trees, It might as well be Shia LaBeouf. This gem is all about a psychic alien crystal skull. THEY EVEN PUT THAT IN THE NAME TO WARN YOU THIS WAS GOING TO BE A HORRENDOUS PIECE OF SHIT! You just have to return it to the mythical city of Akator blah blah blah then psychic alien skeletons start disintegrating people and chucking them through portals. Very nice 'thank you' for bringing the skull. Stuff jumps in and out of the space between spaces, where the laws of physics don't apply. Indy goes back to Marion College and the last piece of cold, hard steel is pushed directly into the now unbeating heart of my childhood.