Here's a list celebrating some of the most awesome things you can stick to your car for people to read when they're behind you.

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March 27, 2011

1. "The Shocker"

This hilarious graphic has enjoyed a well-deserved spike in popularity lately. Technically, it's not a bumper sticker, but it's close enough. You've probably seen it. It's a picture of a hand. It looks like this:

Now, I know what you're thinking: Clearly this symbol is the work of a superior comedic intellect – like the SUperFInger or using a picture of a rooster instead of writing the word cock; or talking loud. You're right, but it's also something much, much more . . . See, in reality, this symbol is indicative of the driver's feelings on penetrating a lady's vagina and anus simultaneously, usually in a sexual context. Often, the presence of this sticker/decal means the driver is a fan of engaging in said dual penetration; and, in making his digital fancy known to the general public -- using a sticker (or sometimes a vinyl “cling” decal) -- this driver may also be offering his penetrative services to any lady who is deemed appropriate. So, if you like strange fingers in some of your holes, this particular driver may be willing to provide the fingers. If you pass inspection, of course – because a dynamic fondler like this guy doesn't shove his magic fingers into just any old pair of holes. All in all, the driver is fucking awesome, and really enjoys fingering the ladies. And they obviously enjoy being fingered. And now you know. Because of the sticker.

NOTE: If the driver is a female, "The Shocker" serves only as titillating intrigue.


You're probably thinking that – loosely translated – this poetic arrangement most often means something along the lines of, “I don't know anything and I can't read.” But you're wrong, of course. What these minds-for-the-ages know and you don't, it that publicly-subsidized aid to the very poor and/or sick is no good because there are people that tend to take advantage of the system. See, things should be flawless or not exist at all. Anyone with half a frontal lobe knows that. But these fiery beacons of reason and compromise elevate the discussion to a new and truly staggering ethereal plane of public discourse . . . 

These oracles of truth have some real answers they'd like to share with you. Ask them for their respective outlines on repairing what they know is broken and surely they will explode your consciousness with brilliant, well thought out, realistic suggestions for helping our country's less fortunate citizens. Not only will they regale you with their in-depth knowledge of the “welfare state” phenomenon, they will be even-handed and fair in their approach; being absolutely sure to take into account 'welfare for the rich' in the form of massive, multi-billion-dollar, no-bid government contracts for the donating constituencies of elected officials. You will be shocked to behold their level-headed approach to dealing with 'golden parachutes,' mass-layoffs to maintain record-breaking corporate profits, and all those crazy-ass executive bonuses. These beings of the enlightened path have the answers to your questions. All you have to do is ask them when they park somewhere. 


This one is a bit high-brow, I'll admit; and is really aimed at the traditionally well-educated – at those familiar with highly obscure, patriotic illustrations. Nevertheless . . . Uncle Sam (i.e. the crotchety and flamboyant personification of the United States of America) was first used during the war of 1812, but this particularly charming and light-hearted bumper sticker is putting a decidedly hilarious and not-at-all-in-any-way-horribly-racist spin on J. M. Flagg's 1917 US Army recruitment poster. Flagg's infamous, near-universally recognized image was itself based on a British Army recruitment poster from 1914. The British version showed Lord Kitchener – boldly mustachioed Secretary of State for War at the time – doing all the pointing and the wanting. And, like his garish American counterpart, he wanted you.

Oddly, this classy, three-dollar conveyance emblem aims to address those members of our society who – through sheer malevolence and devilish cunning – have not absorbed America's informally-adopted mother tongue as a second language. And since every white, American-born citizen speaks at least two languages fluently, those who decide a second language is unnecessary are really spitting in our faces and pissing on Old Glory. Interestingly, the address itself is written in English . . . So-being, then, perhaps we can just assume that the champion of freedom behind the wheel of his or her top-quality, domestically-manufactured automobile may simply be pandering to an audience of like-minded bigots who themselves can understand only a small fraction of the English language; thereby rendering the efficacy of such a sticker impotent at best. Of course, this is not the case. 

Fortunately for this particular group of trail-blazing super-revolutionaries, they can also bring their campaign to new lands, for magnetic versions of their standard-of-choice are also available. That way, they can be sure to decorate their respective rental cars whenever vacationing abroad. Onward, patriots.


You can go ahead and assume that the person driving the vehicle sporting this revelation is one of those Christian people. This means that they believe in this dude named God (or Yahweh or Jehovah or whatever) who magically impregnated an engaged virgin named Mary; God's plan being to offer up the child as a human sacrifice to himself when the kid turned thirty. It's a charming belief system. Apparently it's very popular.

So, if you're unfamiliar with this Christianity thing or you've chosen some other, less logical path for your brain, you can discount this sticker for having absolutely no bearing on your life. However, if you happen to understand the reference and/or you're a member of this fringe cult, this bit of information could be of great poignancy. According to common Christian doctrine, this God guy called this really old bearded man, named Moses, up a mountain, where he gave him a list of rules he came up with. People were supposed to follow the rules or else this mad overlord in the sky – this God – would send them to be tortured forever after they died. Yeah. After. I know, it's weird. Anywho, Moses dropped and broke the first set of rules when he got mad at his followers for worshiping some kind of cow sculpture or something; so he climbed back up the mountain and got a new set. This was a pain in the ass 'cause God thought it was a good idea to etch the rules into giant stone tablets – instead of magical, indestructible, glowing God papyrus or something – so they were pretty heavy. But back to the sticker . . . 

While it is sort of required that Christians obey ALL the rules, seemingly, many of them need to be reminded of this. Despite it being obvious to most people that they should avoid committing both murder AND theft, there is – as indicated by the popularity of this bumper sticker – a sizable number of Christians in traffic who are devoid of both decency and common sense. So clearly the rest of us should be extraordinarily grateful to these sticker-wielding crusaders for keeping all those bloodthirsty, mad-dog Christian psychopaths from killing and eating the rest of us. Thanks, champions of faith.


I'm having trouble writing about this one because it is such a good joke, and It's hard to laugh and write. What this means (stay with me now) is that the driver, A: likes guns; B: keeps a gun in his or her automobile; and C: will shoot you with the gun if you use your car horn. I know. It's a fucking riot. I am sitting in piss just thinking about it.

What make this sticker so wonderful are the dense, existential layers making up its nuance. Break it all down – slowly, so you don't get agitated: If you “honk” at this particular driver – presumably for ANY reason – he will shoot you. Take a moment to wrap your mind around that. This hard-ass, no-nonsense motherfucker is strapped and ready to kill the first sumbitch beeps at 'im in traffic. And that's pretty much the long and the short of it.

Deal with it. This surefooted constitutionalist will shoot your children on the highway.


Strangely, this sticker doesn't include a blank space in which to put a name. So, there's that part. Put that little problem aside though, 'cause what makes this decal such a winner is the implication that the driver of the car sporting it will be fucking you sometime later. Probably after you've both stopped driving, but maybe not. Who knows, right? It's the open road, anything can happen. 

But circumstances aside, the real kicker is that, not only will this driver be doing you like a fun and easy jumbo crossword, you'll be begging him for more. You'll be shouting whatever-his-name-is later on; and not because you'll be pleading with him to stop forcibly sodomizing you at knife-point. No, it will be because of the stratospheric ecstasy he is raining down upon you like so many little, silky, orgasmic penises. That's the sort of sensual pleasure pusher sitting behind the wheel of the car in front of you. He wants you to know what he's about, and he's about fucking strangers behind him in traffic. You could be that stranger. The bumper sticker deems it so.


“Hahahahahahaaa!!! Holy shit!!! There aren’t any Jewish carpenters!!! Hahahahahaaaaa!!!”

But that's not the point here. The colossus of subtlety veering into oncoming traffic in this particular car has put a delicious little spin on proclaiming one's devotion to the notable, and constantly recurring fairytale character, Jesus Christ. Most worshipful proclaimers just slap one of those Wingding fishes on there, or they just come out and say they plain ol' love that dead, Jewish hippie. Sometimes they put a big sticker that just says, “JESUS.” Not the blood-drinker in this car though – this person wants to keenly slip the light of the one true lord right under your radar by using the two least remarkable things about Jesus! Thereby indicating he/she loves the most famous of all saviors for which there is no real evidence of their existence. 

It really gets you thinking. It's like a sleight-of-hand move in bumper sticker form . . . One minute, you think “how mundane, why should I give a roadside shit about who this dickhead's boss is?” and the next, you're all “Oh! Wait! They mean JESUS! WOW! There goes my mind! Fucking JESUS! Another JESUS PERSON! I almost fucking missed it! I should work for that guy!” See, our devoted follower here, of this, the most infectious of all completely unsubstantiated belief systems, doesn't use a sticker that says, “my boss is a flagellated crucifixion victim”; or “my boss is a bearded fishmonger”; or “my boss is Jeffrey ”The Dude” Lebowski with superpowers.” Nope. This Ubermensch takes a cerebral and definitely-not-possibly-unfunny approach to his bumper comedy. He's like the fucking Wes Anderson of bumper stickers.  

But now I must take issue with . . .

Okay, everyone loves chattel slavery, I get that. No one likes subjugating an entire group of people because they're cooler more than I do. Slavery was pretty bitchin' and I've never heard a decent argument against it. Have you? Of course you haven't. But do we really need a sign that says so? Whenever I see a confederate flag inside a chrome chain link license plate frame, I wince, because it's just so obvious that slavery should come back to the US. Everyone already knows this, and even though the Dixie flag is wicked cool, you look like an asshole for not appreciating it's true subtlety

Even descendants of slaves know what a positive thing forced enslavement was . . . I've never talked to one, but I've heard that most black people long for the times when they amounted to no more than bipedal cattle with overalls on. “How could life get any groovier than that!?” I've heard that they always say to each other at their jiving parties. Indeed, how could it get any groovier?

But these mouth-breathers with their rebel banners act like it's some sort of epiphany! I mean, they might as well be waving flags that say “gay people's dismembered limbs turn into other gay people” or “if you get any blood on your Texas longhorn belt buckle when you and Hoss beat a gay person to death with a broom handle; and then you don't eat the corpse's penis, you'll catch gay” or “you can tell a boy baby is gay if it lets you take your penis out in front of it.” EVERYONE KNOWS THIS SHIT! It's just science! Black people want to be slaves; a cut-off gay foot will grow another queer unless you burn it and then use the ashes to draw a picture of Commando Jesus; and the Stars and Bars should only be displayed in respectful, high-minded contexts -- like at a Rodeo or a Klan meeting – not on your stupid car.