John Kerry in his underwear outside an RV meth lab? Sold.

Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 20, 2012

Barack Obama as Gus Fring


This is a no brainer -- at the risk of far right wing nuts cheering, “Yes! He seems nice, but is really a cold-blooded killer who wasn’t born in this country!”  There’s somewhat of a physical resemblance.  He’s intelligent.  He’s cultured.  You wouldn’t know he was the most powerful man in the room just from speaking to him.  Don’t mess with Obama.  He will cut you.

George W. Bush as Hank Schrader


Though he’s crude at times, and he may not be the sharpest crayon in the picnic shed, he’s got a goal in mind, and he’s going after it at any cost.  Even if he’s wrong at nearly every possible turn.

Dick Cheney as Hector Salamanca


The guy’s on his last leg, or wheel, or heart, or... whatever.  He was once a very dangerous man who probably shot more than a few friends.  And Hector’s pretty dangerous, too.

John Kerry as Walter White


Though he did cool things in the past, he now leads a very boring life.  And sounds very boring living it.  He tries to explain in great detail concepts that are interesting to him, but no one else cares, and it results in people walking out of the room or falling asleep.

Bill Clinton as Heisenberg


In the same way that Heinsenberg is the more polished, more confident, more manipulative version of Walter White, Bill Clinton is certainly that to John Kerry.  When John Kerry finally snaps, he will become Bill Clinton.  Hide your cigars.

Al Gore as Jesse Pinkman


Science, bitch!

Hillary Clinton as Skylar White


Skyllary: Sounds like a new DJ ready to drop the base. chemically speaking.  Let’s face it, there aren’t many women who have been put through the ringer by their husband quite like Hillary.  She’s intelligent and strong and she puts on a good public face, but you know there are days when Hillary tells people to “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!…” for five straight minutes.

Rahm Emanuel as Saul Goodman


Connections, colorful language; Saul has a Hollywood agentness about him.  And that already runs in Rahm’s family.  Have you seen Entourage?  His brother Ari (who the Entourage character Ari is based on) is already a Saul, minus the crime.  Rahm doesn't judge, he's just a man to make things happen.  So what if he introduces one friend with chemistry skills to another friend with distribution skills?  Maybe they're making hand soap.  Sweet, mind-altering hand soap.

Mitt Romney as The Fly


He’s buzzing around, kind of bugging everyone near him, not to mention the people watching at home, and... we really hope this episode ends soon.

**Mitt Romney was almost considered for Ted.  He did run companies into bankruptcy.  He can attribute most of his success to his dad.  But Mittens probably wouldn’t repeatedly sleep with Skylar.  He’d bring her to church square dances or something.  Oh, but he’d Do-si-do the shit out of her.**

Paul Ryan as Todd


“He looks so nice.”  This is the common thread between Paul Ryan and Todd.  Paul Ryan seems like such a nice, young, attractive guy who you’d like to take home to meet grandma.  But before you know it, her Medicare is gone, she’s out on the street, and Paul Ryan is sadistically smiling at a tarantula in a jar.

Michelle Obama as Mike Ehrmantraut


Michelle Obama is solid.  You can always count on her.  She’s respected, even among her opposition.  Everyone likes Michelle.  She’s strong, tough, and like Mike, is still always thinking of the kids.

Rick Santorum as Tuco Salamanca


It’s a safe bet that, growing up, both Tuco and Rick Santorum were twitchy, hyperactive kids.  You can see remnants of that in how they speak as adults. They were picked on a lot as kids I'm sure, which is probably why they now want everyone to suffer.  But there’s a lot of passion in everything they do.  And that would be admirable, if the shit that came out of their mouths wasn’t so... well, *sniff*... tight! tight! batshit crazy.

Michelle Bachmann as Marie Schrader


Bachmann would freak out too if she found out her nephew or brother in law were smoking pot.  And she probably has some secret vice, like thieving, that nobody knows about.  But it’s well covered by a plaster cast smile and the kept-up appearance of a normal, happy home.  Everything’s fine!  I’m not living a lie!  EVERYTHING’S FINE!!!

Chris Christie as Walt Jr.


Mmm, breakfast.

John Boehner as Holly White