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My name is John Rodgers and I love America.
Published July 04, 2011 More Info ยป
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Published July 04, 2011

Loudness

Hello, my name is Jonathan Rodgers and I love America. While I was never in the armed forces, I feel very strongly for them, because I know how difficult it is to handle a gun (I own several guns). Today I thought I'd write you and let you know how I am going to honor this brave nation on this sacred day.

You're going to need to be loud. I don't mean loud like my son Teddy's infernal rap music, I mean loud enough to shake the heavens. You need to tell God, "Thank you! You have smiled on America and she smiles back at you!" (America is a woman. How can anything this beautiful not be a woman? haha). But seriously, fill the air with noise. Belt the national anthem. Shoot fireworks so loud your ears ring. Fire rounds into the air (use blanks or shoot towards low-lifes). Just let God know you're here.

Colors (specifically, three)

Secondly of all, you're going to want to decorate your house in colors. Now there's a lot of fuss over color because America doesn't own all the colors. That's okay. Just make sure you choose three: red, white, and blue.

Red, white, and blue were chosen to represent this country because they represent the founding fathers: their red blood, their white skin, and their blue balls (they were chaste). These are values that we all try to bring to our children, Lord knows (even if Teddy listens to that damned rap music, ;p ).

When you decorate your house in these colors, you're letting everyone in Heaven know that you support them. Hey, Angel Washington! Look at your great country! Hey, Angel Lincoln! Looks like we can get along after all! Hey, Angel William Howard Taft! Stop eating! (LOL)

Eating

Speaking of eating, it's about time we wrapped up honoring the dead and got to honoring the living. As we all know, there's nothing better than eating. And in America, we know how to eat.

Now don't get me started on French food or Italian food or whatever European malarkey my wife keeps trying to get me to try. I am an AMERICAN, thank you, and I will have two cheeseburgers and a hot dog. Will have them grilled over American charcoal in an American barbecue. I will have them on American white bread buns with American sesame seeds and American dijon mustard with American Heinz ketchup.

Then I will have American corn with American butter. And for dessert I will have American apple pie.

I bleed red, white and blue because my arteries are full of red, white and blue. Thank you.

Aggression

Aggression is how we got to be America. We were more aggressive than the British, more aggressive than the Germans and the Japanese, and in a few years we will be more aggressive than China. We need to keep this spirit alive in all of us, and I suggest two activities for your cookout.

For the women, have a bake-off. Women love to bake, even progressive ones. Pitting their baked goods off of one another will keep those ladies fierce while it also keeps them in the kitchen! (I'm kidding, Fran, I know better than to try and keep you anywhere haha) (Fran is my wife)

For the men, I suggest tug-of-war. While it is a fun physical activity with minimal but enjoyable possible injury, it also serves as a beautiful metaphor for the hardship of our men and women in uniform. It also imparts an important message: whoever has the fat kid at the end of their rope will probably win.

Humiliating your neighbor, Rick

Importantly, July 4th is not only a celebration, but a chance for me to humiliate my dickhole neighbor, Rick. Rick is a bastard. He drives a GERMAN car to his job as Senior Director at a shipping company. He is selling this country to China to pay for his luxurious life as a bachelor, instead of raising a family like a real American.

So take arms! I always make sure to place Rick on whichever tug-of-war team I think will lose. I joke about how he enters the bake-off since he doesn't have a wife to cook for him. And I always tell Rick that the cookout is BYOB even though it isn't so he looks like a turd, bringing his imported beer to a god damn 4th of July party.

Fuck you, Rick.

Crying (but not like a bitch)

Finally, you might be moved to cry during the fireworks display, and folks, feel free to do so. We shoot fireworks when Heaven is closest to earth, because the explosion of light and sound reminds us of our own feelings in that moment. Think about all the sacrifice and hardship put into this country. You'd be wrong to not cry, but you've got to learn to cry properly.

First of all, no one should be able to hear you cry. If they can hear you, they will assume you're afraid of the fireworks instead of moved by the passion of America. Secondly, you only get 1-4 tears. Any more and it's just sobbing, and that's weakness, not a proper show of emotions. Finally, when you've decided to stop crying, make sure you start applauding America. I mean literally. I mean stand and start applauding. Everyone around you will understand. At least, they will if they're Americans.

And Teddy, if you're reading this, get off the goddamned computer and get back to cleaning your room. Happy 4th, my fellow Americans!
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