Via "The rhymes I spit are hot fire!"
So, Osama Bin Laden is finally dead. The leader of the Jawa's was found in his sandcrawler after feeding infidels to the 'Vagina Dentata' metaphor that is the Sarlacc pit and finally copped a double tap to the head. Either that or there was too much sand in his vagina. Regardless, the purported leader of Al Qaeda is now dead. The Royal Family got a wedding, Obama got a funeral.
Millions rejoice. Donald Trump demands to see the death certificate. Obama declares war on the C.H.U.D population of New York. Life goes on.
Maybe now the religion of Islam won't be decried as evil or bad anymore. However, Pakistan's capital may want to change its name from 'Islamabad' to something that doesn't actually suggest that Islam is bad. Maybe 'Islamaiscoolbyme'. It's all about perception. It's like how Magneto constantly claimed that he was doing the right thing for mutantkind and wasn't an evil man, yet called his group 'The brotherhood of evil mutants'. With a name like that, you can see how there would be some confusion.
Via "And taste my carrotcake of evil flavour!"
People haven't been this interested in someone being shot in the face since Jenna Jameson started porn. But have you ever considered the things that Osama did that were actually good? Must a man be tarred with the douchebag brush because of some bad decision he made ten years ago? How would you like it if all anyone ever associated your name with was that time you drunkenly masturbated to Taylor Hanson thinking he was Hillary Duff?
Well, however inadvertently, Osama's presence on this planet actually caused some pretty cool things to happen, and here they are.
Don't hate. Appreciate.
Racism is like Chlamydia; everyone's had a dose, but no one will admit it. After 9/11 however, widespread xenophobia ran rampant for the first time since the 50's and 60's, the heyday of ethnic segregation. Everywhere you went, someone was decrying the entire Middle East for the actions of a few.
Via "Damn foreigner! The 80's band, not a specific ethnicity."
However, xenophobia came wearing a different suit to this party, and that suit was PATRIOTISM. Suddenly it wasn't wrong to be a redneck loudly spouting racial epithets, that just meant that you were a patriot. Anyone who disagreed with you was a commie pinko liberal pussy. It also gave Rednecks reason to compare how similar the name Osama was to Obama. The names rhyme, that must mean that the president is actually a fundamentalist spy, logically.
Via "USA! USA! AUS!.. Uh, I mean USA!"
If a guy was wearing an American flag bandanna and rambling about "Those damn Muslim Sandmonkey dunecoons." Then you knew that he was a Patriot, and therefore was to be avoided. Thanks to Osama, it was now much easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Osama was a great multitasker; he managed to hide in a rape-cave, singlehandedly proved that crappy Super-8 home movies could be seen by the world on as grand a viewer scale as 'Blossom', organised the attacks on 9/11, declared a Jihad on Western civilisation, eluded American forces for ten years, cultivated a minging beard that would put Joaquin Phoenix to shame and managed to get a specially built mansion, complete with cave interior so as to truly feel like home, ALL WHILE ON KIDNEY DIALYSIS!
Compare that with what you've managed to do today. Crawl out of bed, whip your dingus lazily to 'The Golden Girls' while eating leftover pizza, play Call of duty, bitch about Justin Bieber on some hipster forums and smeared peanut butter around your sphincter and let your dog go to town. Kinda puts things in perspective, doesn't it?
To achieve, first you have to believe; Osama definitely believed that he could succeed in his quest to be the biggest cocknuckle on the planet. It's like that muffinload of dogwank, 'The Secret'.
Also, extra points for not just taking a kidney from one of the many people the Taliban kidnapped. He could've replaced ALL of his organs with kidneys if he'd wanted to. But no, he was content to wait patiently on the transplant list for a doctor who could make cave calls.
I respect that.
Okay, so this one was entirely inadvertent, but nonetheless, it's true. If Osama hadn't orchestrated the September 11 attacks, Bush wouldn't have had reason to declare his own Jihad on terror, which somehow became a war on Iraq in general, which finally led to Saddam being deposed as leader and gave the world the famous iconic images of the celebratory toppling of that giant Burt Reynolds statue.
Via "Noooooooo! His acting was passable in "Deliverance"!
George W. Bush might've claimed credit for Saddam's ignoble capture from his spider hole, but it was actually old Osama Been Hidin' who made it possible to accomplish the goal set forth originally by George Bush Sr. That's right, a vagina faced Tuskan Raider managed to do what two presidents with the resources of the most powerful Army in the world couldn't.
And you can bet your sweet ass you'd never find Osama hiding in some outdoor toilet hole with only a fun size Mars bar like Saddam was... No, Osama was found in his fucking mansion with a regular sized Mars bar AND a Snickers, which he'd smooshed together in the heat to create one super, mega 'death by chocolate' bar. Because that's how the sonofabitch rolled.
Without Osama, would we have the brilliant clusterfuck of awesomeness that is 'Team America: world police'? Would we have ever finally realised just how fucking annoying and one-sided Michael Moore was without the trite 'Fahrenheit 9/11'? How about that mediocre Ps2 and Xbox game 'America's 10 most wanted', or as most of you would know it 'Fugitive hunter: war on terror', which is almost too awesome a name for my brain to comprehend?
What would 'So Solid Crew' be doing now if they didn't have terrible video games to make awkwardly shoehorned cameos in?
Via This. This is exactly what they'd be doing.
We also got some great music prompted by protest, such as Green Day's 'American idiot' and practically everything by System of a Down.
But, by far, the greatest effect of Osama's media influence was the well deserved downfall of 'The Dixie Chicks'. As the most outspoken amongst the cadre of ignorant celebrities spouting rhetoric, Satellite dish faced Natalie Maines and those two other chicks who look kind of like Nicholas Cage copped a public backlash that permanently derailed their career and sent them spiralling into obscurity, destined to spend their days in some piss soaked alley somewhere pleasuring 65 homeless dudes at once, right where they deserve to be.
Surely the destruction of 'The Dixie Chicks' cancels out the destruction of the Twin Towers.
Via "After this photoshoot, let's burn this motherfucker down!"
Conversely though, Osama was also responsible for Alan Jackson's 'Where were you (when the world stopped turning)', so fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid face.
Besides stimulating the American economy due to the war declared on him, Osamabamalama is also responsible for putting food into the mouths of struggling actors. Before September 11th, do you remember seeing ANY actors of Middle-Eastern descent on television? I mean, for Christ's sake, Ben Kingsley played fucking Gandhi! Sure, he totally ear-raped the role and made it his own, but come on, a pasty British actor playing one of the most famous Indians ever? Ridicularse.
Via "You tell John Lennon I've never even SEEN his glasses."
Post 9/11 though, there was suddenly a massive increase in the opportunities for every actor who even slightly resembled being of Arab descent. Hell, they even gave The Rock acting roles simply because he was the colour of freshly brewed, creamy coffee. Okay, so maybe the only roles available were that of terrorist bombers for Jack Bauer to growl at or that guy Sayid on 'Lost', but hey, the ethnic glass ceiling had been broken.
This trend has kind of been halted by that great anti-Semitic studio known as Disney; Show me one person who actually looks Persian in that chode load wankmuffin that was 'Prince of Persia'. Exactly. Ben Kingsley's the only one.
Via "I DO look totally Persian. Hmmm."
Now, can we start calling Freedom Fries French fries again? Or at least Shoestring Fries? I'd be content with that.
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