1. It’s all about confidence
Confidence is the most important quality one must possess during an interview, and the best way to feel confident is by looking cool. For decades, the coolest activity a person can partake in is smoking. It is of utmost importance that you establish a first impression that you are hip, and the dingy smell you leave behind from smoking will lay the ground work for a reputation the interviewer won’t soon forget. If the hiring manager did not see you smoking on the way into the building, don’t be afraid to light up a Marby Smooth in front of him/her. According to the Farmers’ Almanac, 89% of cool people are both employed and above the poverty line.
2. Make yourself seem interesting
The best way to stay on the interviewer’s mind is by making yourself seem interesting and well-educated. The fastest way to achieve this is by opening the conversation with a hilarious racist joke. Jews, blacks and Mexicans are all fair game when talking to your next potential boss. It is crucial that interviewer feels that you are intelligent and what better to demonstrate that than by showing you are intolerant of other cultures.
3. Be bold
It is important to stand out from the crowd and other candidates jockeying for the same job. So, don’t be afraid to make derogatory comments about the interviewer’s spouse. For men, if you happen to see a photo of the interviewer’s wife, don’t be shy about commenting on her bodacious rack. The interviewer likes his wife and if you demonstrate you like his wife, then you will have something in common and will both be thinking on the same page.
4. Don’t bother bringing old fashioned, out dated resumes
Resumes are out dated, boring and they don’t indicate who you really are as a person. As an alternative, bring a list of the chicks you have banged, ranked by cup size. If the interviewer happens to have banged one of them as well, then you will have another attribute, and possibly an STD in common. You can share stories and possibly go splitsies on Herpes medication.
5. Have a good ice breaker for small talk
Ideally, a sledge hammer works best for splitting large ice blocks. Getting the huge chuck of ice to the interview will be difficult, but the irony of the joke will leave a lasting impression on the interviewer, as well as the entire staff, and should open the floor for conversation. The time spent replacing the carpet because of water damage will give you a reputation the interviewer won’t soon forget.
6. Show that you are marketable
It is critical that the hiring manager feels you are a candidate that can make the company money. So, bring handfuls of rolled up cash to the interview and don’t be afraid to throw a wad of Benjamins in his/her face to show you mean business.
7. End the interview on a high note
Leaving a lasting impression is crucial to securing the desired position, and the best way is to leave on a high note. Prepare the night before by “rolling a fatty” for such an occasion. As soon as the hiring manager says the interview process is over, you spark that bad boy and give the interviewer a contact buzz that will leave him/her in the mood for high-er-ing.
If you follow these 7 steps and dress for success, I guarantee you will get the job!