8 Possible "Crank" Sequels from John Zachary Townsend

CRANK: SUPER COOL DUDE

Chev Cheliosâ has been injected with a toxic amount of Testosterone. He only has two hours to find a cure before his balls explode. However, the insane amount of Testosterone has turned him into the coolest dude in the world. With great raditude comes great distractions: Chev must avoid the temptations of playing volleyball with hot babes, popping wheelies on motorcycles, and judging wet t-shirt contests.

CRANK: VAGINA

Chev Cheliosâ penis has been stolen, and replaced with a vagina. Â

CRANK: CHICKEN FINGER FINGERS

Chev Cheliosâ fingers have been replaced with chicken fingers. He hasnât eaten in three days. He has to find his real fingers. He's so hungry, but if eats his chicken finger fingers, he won't be able to open doors. And he has to do two things today: kick some ass, and open doors. But it wonât be easy: the chicken finger fingers have a sweet, savory BBQ seasoning. They were fried the perfect amount, crispy and yet succulent. Also Chev gave up meat for Lent, and he's super religious.

CRANK: ELBOW AND ARROWS

Chev Cheliosâ elbow has been replaced with a bow and arrows.

CRANK: DILDO HANDS

Chev Chelios hands have been replaced with dildos. He only has two hours to get his hands back. But it wonât be easy-every woman he sees wants to use his dildo hands to pleasure themselves. To get his real hands back, he will have to avoid the rabid flocks of horny women. Can he avoid flocks of women trying to use his ligiments for masturbation purposes? What will he do with the dildos once he gets his hands back? Will he donate them to the lonely horny women? Try to sell them? Throw them away?

CRANK: 'I'M A GAY MAN' T-SHIRT

Chev Cheliosâ t-shirt has been stolen and replaced with a shirt that says âIâm a Gay Manâ. The shirt is very tight, so itâs hard to get off. If he doesnât get it back, people will think he is a gay man. And as if things couldn't get worse, he's been dropped out of a helicopter...into the middle of a Gay Pride Parade.

CRANK: SONG STUCK IN HEAD

An evil scientist has injected a potion into Chev Chelios with a terrible side effect: he has a U2 song stuck in his head. He canât stop thinking about it. Itâs really starting to piss him off. He canât remember what the song is called. It might be âZooropaâ; Itâs definitely not one of the big singles. It might be on the Greatest Hits. They donât play it live very often.

CRANK: CANKLES

Chev Chelios ankles have been replaced with cankles. He will have to get them back. But it wonât be easy: his socks donât fit. Heâll have to buy new socks.