In 1998, my great grandmother was very ill with the West Nile Virus.  Mosquitoes and fruit flies had attacked my great grandmother and left large painful welps all over her body,  and she itched all over.  After watching 60 minutes, she saw Dr. Jack Kervorkian and insisted I contact him about euthanasia.  I finally was able to contact Dr. Jack Kervorkian and was able to convince him to come euthanize my grandmother before she passed calmly in her sleep of old age.  Dr. Kervorkian flew into South Carolina and my great grandmother must have liked him because she started sucking Dr. Kervorkian off.  She sucked him off right in front of me and 13 family members.  My grandmother then refused to be euthanized and began bragging to anyone that would listen that “I sucked Dr. Death off.”

I started to dawn on me that my great grandmother was not that great.

About 2 years later, she would call Dr. Kervorkian and beg to be euthanized for a 2^nd time.  This time, her wish was granted.

I was to arrange crematory arrangements, so I contacted Tri-State Crematory in Noble, Ga . I arranged  a ride with a friend in his mini van and we took my dead great grandmother to the crematory and were told to pass time, so we went to eat at “The Bloody Bucket,” in Noble, Ga, for which I ordered ham. We returned later to the crematory to see if they were done,  and then we took home what I thought was my great grandmother’s remains.

I then drove to Edisto Beach, SC , where she left a last will and testament to have her remains scattered. I got so really fucked up drunk and high on pot, that I forgot to scatter her. I really like to drive when I get fucked up, so I drove all the way to Barnwell, SC before I realized I had forgot to scatter my great grandmother’s remains.  I stopped at a pond  to scatter her remains, which after I dumped them, I realized that it was an oxidation pond, full of piss from dick holes, shit and feces from assholes all across Barnwell, SC.

For years, I punished myself for that mistake until I was contacted by an attorney that awarded me just over $225, 000 in a lawsuit for the victims of this tragedy.  He informed me that this crematory was not cremating bodies, but dumping them on nearby land.

I am not sure that I am suppose to go get her remains or not.

Before then, I never believe in miracles, other than the US Hockey Team defeating Russia.

Now, I believe in miracles.

God bless each and everyone of you,

Jordan F**king Zeh

On a recent afterlife discussion, I was wondering whether or not... you would take your disability to heaven or not. Jeff Healey's death started this for me. I concluded that I feel that people do have disabilities in heaven. Jeff Healey may have "angel eyes" now, but they are still unable to see things. This is assuming that Jeff Healey is in heaven because it's posssible he is in hell. Regardless, of where he is, I think he is still blind. I also was wondering if Jeff Healey was an organ donar....would a blind person want his eyes...just because they had a better look...better color. If I was blind, I believe I would like that option. I am an organ donar btw. But, I do believe all disabilities carry over to heaven....paraplegic here, you are paraplegic in heaven...retarded here...retarded in heaven.

It's Daylight Savings Time weekend...which is great for EVERYONE...well, EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR ALBINOS. Man, this must really suck for the albinos. 2 or 3 more hours of daylight. These people are already deprived on the beaches and now this. I have always felt that the albinos should do the wrestling mask thing. It would make them so fucking cool...and then they could go to the beach and feel great, be protected, and look really fucking cool. And spray on tans! I woud get my self spray on tanned twice a day if I was albino....even have some varnish at home...and what about the African American Albino...what happened here...it's like God was EXTREMELY confused as to what he wanted to do here...like he was in Photoshop and got out of hand and couldn't hit "undo"..and just said "fuck it." I've done that before. We all have. Look at this.

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I have had enough of steriods! McGwire, Bonds, and now Clemens!!!...and people I know on a personal level. I have a friend who is a hermaphrodite and she just started taking them...and I am afraid this is going to shrink her balls. She works out too much….all the time..a gym junkie...already got jock itch and a yeast infection at the same time….AND MAN IT STUNK!!! Smelled like a balloon that had been put in a Dorito's bag 2 days mixed with sweat, wet dog, and a fair exhibit, and an old stinky nerf football that had dry rotted because the rain. AND NOW…GENITAL WARTS ON ALL OF HER GENITALIA!!! Goddamn steriods!!!