Springfield, VA - It was announced on Tuesday July 29 that the home of apathetic and disrespectful suburban teenagers everywhere, Bennigan's, shut its stained-glass doors for good, causing coffee-drinking teenagers everywhere to riot.

“It blows ass,” said Springfield High sophomore Micah Brown. “I used to be able to eat three Monte Cristo sandwiches while chain-smoking. Where else am I going to do that? Knowing me, I’ll probably get somebody pregnant now.”

Every Friday and Saturday night, teenagers across America would pull their long-sleeved shirts over their hands, mope and utter the phrase “don’t get me” repeatedly while splitting an order of Fried Cheese.  Some might get stoned behind the chain restaurant and splurge for some Bennigan’s favorites: a bottomless Soup Shenanigan and a White Chocolate Chill-Out.

Seventeen year-old Wiccan and Hanks High School Colorguard/Flag Twirler Kath Morton was distraught. “I’ve been crying since Tuesday. My coven felt so comfortable to let our goddesses surface and interact freely. But I’m also mad because my Mom has a new boyfriend who laughs at me.”

Not everyone, however, is upset about the “Grill and Tavern” shut down. Longtime Bennigan’s waitress Shirley Horton is a little relieved.

“Kids are shit. I got three of ‘em myself. And when some little punk kids come in here acting like they’re adults and then spend $5 between ‘em, I can take it or leave it. I was planning on moving to Florida anyway.”

Gazing out toward the strip mall across from the beloved restaurant, Micah Brown took a drag from his cigarette and quietly muttered, “What’s next, Fridays?”