WASHINGTON DC. - Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain today mocked Barack Obama for his use of restrooms while on the campaign trail.  Speaking before a group of four tourists who were trying to hail a cab, McCain chided Obama for “these pampered celebrity demands of running water and soap dispensers”.  “In my day”, said McCain, “you went out back and shat in a hole and wiped your ass with the Sears catalogue or a corn cob or a frozen squirrel”.

McCain then appeared to mumble a joke about how “these dentures don’t let you nibble corn no more” before wandering off across the street. Campaign lobbyist-aide Rick Davis vehemently defended McCain’s right to “lose focus” and urged the American people to “join John McCain in finding our tomorrows where our yesterdays seemed to be”.