London, England- After paying a reported sum of 11 million pounds for exclusive photos of twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie Pitt, it was discovered that the infants photographed for Hello! Magazine did not belong to superstar actors and humanitarians Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

According to court documents, Hello! Magazine alleges the babies were not babies at all but rather intricately sculpted marzipan, constructed to play an elaborate prank on the paparazzi who have hounded Pitt and Jolie since their relationship began. Oh fuck it.

Look, this article is obviously bullshit. What are you doing Googling “Pitt, Jolie, Twins, Photos” anyway? And on the weekend no less! Why could you possibly care about celebrity babies? You don’t lead such a pathetic and empty existence that you have to live vicariously through famous people, do you? GET A FUCKING LIFE! Famous people are not more important than you! Do you even know what kind of music your kid listens to? Have you even seen your spouse’s genitals in the past month? Two good-looking people fucked and had babies, so fucking what?!(Though, how awesome would it be to see Brad and Angelina make love? It would be like a unicorn hugging a rainbow. Only the rainbow has an eating disorder and really puffy lips).

You know our country is fighting two wars right now, right?  Quit reading celebrity gossip and create some of your own! Cheat on your significant other! Develop a crippling drug addiction! Have a baby when you’re a little too old and gross to have a baby! Get out there and live people! Turn off the computer, Jazzy yourself outside and say, “Celebrities are unimportant as Hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” But seriously, if anyone can get a hold of a Pitt/Jolie sex tape let me know.