FOD Wire - In Catalina this morning Niki Towers, 22, an adult entertainment actress was attacked by a 17 foot Great White shark while filming a scene for her next movie "Balls Deep Water."  Authorities said the actress was carried away by the shark and that only her blood soaked thong was found washed up on the beach.

Immediately after the attack, a vigilante fishing group was formed with men brandishing shotguns and sticks of dynamite jumping into speed boats blasting heavy metal music by the band Mastadon-

Alright... this story is bullshit. Honestly we're under a lot of pressure to get hits from our investors and we got desperate. There was no attack. But we were talking about dream headlines that would get an ass load of hits and someone said "Porn star attacked by a shark while bi'ing it up with Brittany Spears." We laughed and then our head writer and I started talking.... And this happened.

I'm sorry. I used to have beliefs. I wanted to write for the New York Times when I was a kid. Then I got into debt after buying a Porshe my junior year of college and I had to take what I could find. No offense to Funny or Die but they literally go down to the Home Depot parking lot every morning to pick up illegals to write for this rag. So I took the gig. And then I discovered cocaine. Shit. The white bitch has definitely got me by the chicken sack. I've done things... bad things.... to keep this five month long high going. And now I've hit bottom. I've fabricated news. There are few options left for me now; rehab, jail, Fox News, or Ebaum's. Please forgive me...asHKFHdsfjklfaHKL hdkjshsksjnhssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Pardon me... I am the cleaning lady here.... This man have hand in pants and rope around neck.... I find him dead.... I write this on computer.... I don't know how internet works.... Someone please help.... Help!!