BILLINGS, MONTANA - Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain vowed today to meet "as early as possible" with Charles de Gaulle and Winston Churchill in order to "keep Stalin out of Czechoslovakia."  McCain made the remarks while shuffling through a truck stop diner in his pajamas looking for what he termed "pudding with rice in it."

The mainstream media were quick to hail McCain's remarks as "bold," "decisive," "maverickesque," and "unencumbered by dementia."

In a related story, campaign lobbyist-foreign policy adviser Randy Scheunemann announced that "countries don't have to be real to give me money."  Scheunemann, who made hundreds of thousands of dollars by lobbying for the former Soviet republic of Georgia, recently added Rufus T. Firefly of Freedonia to his client list.  While Scheunemann denied any plans to lobby for General Antonio Vargas of San Marcos, he was seen cashing a large check while wearing his underwear outside his pants.

The mainstream media were quick to question whether "anyone under twenty" would get the references to 'Duck Soup' and 'Bananas.'