"Why settle for a few of Santas' toys when you can blow off his kneecaps and take them all?"
"I'm dreaming of a White Supremist Christmas..."
"If only their father had shot blanks."
"Merry Christmas from the Palins!"
"Charlton Heston's estate was divided up evenly between all the grandchildren!"
"(Christmas in Idaho)Okay kids put the guns away, it's time for church."
"You have the right to remain Silent Night."
"Fox really needs to rethink their Christmas Special."
"Have yourself a merry little blitzkrieg."
"Meanwhile in Pakistan, three disappointed children are trying on their new ice skates."
"Why settle for a few of Santas' toys when you can blow off his kneecaps and take them all?"
                     
" "
 

Blah Blah Blahgs

FOD WIRE | June 26, 2008

J5.jpg Los Angeles, CA – It's been almost twenty years since robot Johnny 5 was seen in a movie theater, but last night at the red carpet premiere of Disney/Pixar's new animated feature Wall-E , he was seen outside of the El Capitan, drinking heavily, spewing racial epithets, and eventually being dragged away by the LAPD.

"He's really been in a downward spiral since those Wall-E posters started showing up around town," said Short Circuit co-star Fisher Stevens. "I mean, you have to admit, the little robot does look a lot like Johnny…just a reminder that he hasn't worked since the first Gulf War."

Disney/Pixar executive Deborah Majors, was on hand to observe Johnny 5's drunken tirade:  "He just kept shouting, 'Need input, laser lips?  Wall-E's mother is a f---ing snow blower!' He was not the lovable robot I remembered from those movies.  Wait…wasn't he coated in gold at the end of Short Circuit 2 ?"

"If he didn't look coated in gold last night, it's because he wasn't," said Stevens.  "Johnny sold all his gold plating in the summer of 1997 and blew it on cocaine and hookers within a month."  Add to that a whopping seventeen DWI charges and the picture becomes much clearer.  "Well, it's kind of hard to not get DWI's when your legs are tank treads."

As with many stars from the '80s, Johnny 5's lows have lasted much longer than his highs. Once the toast of Hollywood, Johnny Five is now another out of work robot actor sharing an apartment with the tiny flying saucers from Batteries Not Included .

 
 

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It’s the Short Circuit curse – Steve Guttenberg, Ally Sheedy, and Johnny 5’s careers died, and Fisher Stevens is no longer banging Michelle Pfeifer.

posted about 4 months ago
 

Maybe I’m missing something, but what good are cocaine and hookers to a robot?

The drinking I can understand…maybe alcohol fuels his power cells…

posted about 4 months ago
 

I use to look Up to that robot

posted about 4 months ago
 
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preparing great Stephen Colbert impersonation NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

posted about 4 months ago

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