In his 14th career major win, Tiger Woods became the 2008 U.S. Open champion in a 19-hole sudden death showdown with 45 year-old Rocco Mediate on Monday, causing wealthy alcoholics and their sons to rejoice.

Drinking Johnny Walker Black at the Torrey Pines Country Club, club member Donald Meechum said, “That was a real nail-biter, wasn’t it? My feet were sweating straight into my top-siders. I’m definitely going to stare at my high school track trophies tonight and then make my wife have sex with me.”

Woods won the title with a badly injured knee, and pushed ahead to upset Mediate after an 18-hole tie.

“Tiger Woods is a goddamned legend in this sport. He doesn’t give up, even when he’s injured,” said lawyer and golf enthusiast Russell Leachman while drinking a neat Maker’s Mark. “Even when his secretary accuses him of sexual harassment. Even when his son is addicted to cocaine. Even when his wife is sleeping with her trainer.”

Southern Methodist University Golf Club President Clay Hunt was playing beer pong with his fraternity when he heard the news. Angling his white baseball cap he said, “Thank God. A lot of us here are always worried that we come across as racist because we don’t have any black guys in our frat.” Popping up his American Eagle polo collar he continued, “But we really like Tiger, so this makes everyone feel good.”