Columbus, Ohio – In an incredibly optimistic speech on Thursday, Senator John McCain outlined a bright vision of what the world will be like at the end of his first term as President.

On the night before this speech, in an effort to reach younger voters, McCain was spotted tweaking out at a rave in Blue Ash, Ohio and mouthing the words to Daft Punk’s “Around the World.” The Presidential hopeful was seen by two 38 year-old strippers, who boasted that they haven’t stopped partying since “Touched by an Angel” got canceled.

Said Courtney, “Yeah, we saw him. He was wearing a wife-beater with a clear sun-visor and kept saying to me and my girlfriend Lisa, ‘Right about now…The Funk Soul Brother is going to the White House.’ And then he laughed, called us cunts and asked us if we liked his on-air banter with Joy Behar from The View.”

At six a.m. Thursday morning, the Senator purchased two additional tabs of ecstasy from a 19 year-old boy named Ant. “He told me that he was all about doin’ it for the smiles, which I get. And then he asked for a piece of paper, wrote some sh-t down like a madman and said he had to go make a speech.”

And a speech he delivered. High on ecstasy, Senator McCain declared in Columbus, Ohio  on Thursday, May 15, that by the year 2013, “the Iraq war has been won,”  “Iraq is a functioning democracy” and that the United States will witness “robust economic growth.”