I decided my final post will be "Fun with Emails." Here are some of my fave recent email exchanges.

My friend Rob lives in LA but needed to find a place to stay for a few days while he was in NYC. Since I live in NYC and am currently in LA he thought he could stay at my place. And he sent me the following email.

Jerkie, How long are you in LA? What if I needed a place to stay in NY next week? What if? Did you leave a bunch of dildos out?

Ha ha. Rob is really funny. Dildos! I told him he could stay at my place and I would get him keys. LITTLE DOES ROB know, but I actually had to arrange a dildo sweep. I have a friend grabbing my mail and I called him and instructed him to take any and all sex toys from the side of the bed and hide them. And he did.

I don't want you to think I am some kind of perv but yes I have a couple dildos, a vibrator, and maybe some lube...and handcuffs, a fuck swing, nipple clamps, a Smurf costume, a first edition of M. Somerset Maugham's "Of Human Bondage" (for masturbation purposes only), a ball gag - wait two ball gags, anal beads, a autographed picture of Richard Nixon and a lifetime supply of female condoms. I am a single gal! What do you want?

Have you ever had to send an email like this during a business exchange?

The following email exchange took place between me and my sister while I was having my period (sorry fellas): JACKIE TO ALI:

I HAVE THE WORST CRAMPS!!!!!!! I had to tell someone that. Thank you

ALI TO JACKIE:

I will be out of the office starting 05/22/2008 and will not return until 05/28/2008. Please contact Tanya Dole for assistance at ext 44869

Let me tell you something, Tanya did not care about my cramps.

My sister sent me this email last summer. I have not changed any of her email. Ray is her boyfriend. Enjoy, I know I did.

"So I went golfing this past weekend and was ejected from the golf cart and was badly hurt. Ray will pay for this tragedy. My arm is all screwed up and pussing and gross. But I never lost my beer-flying thru the air, sliding down the fairway-I held that beer."

I see it as a story of inspiration. My sister, in a moment of panic of real danger knows what is important in life. I asked my sister for permission to post her email and she said no. She is still mad that I posted the fact that she takes a poo sometimes with a cat sitting in her lap. But then she relented, probably knowing I would post it anyway. But she said she wanted me to know the whole story. Which follows:

"I had planned this golf outing for my company. Tee time was at 9:03. So of course we have to get up super early and I invited Ray cuz i was short a person. The night before the cat (the one you previously wrote about) got out again and was gone for like 9 hrs. so needless to say I had only slept for an hour and a half. So everyone meets at my house and we are already drinking at 8:00 am. (Except Ray) So we get there and everything is great. We're at the 7th hole and Ray says, "Honey why don't you ride with me?" So I grab my beer and get in. So he's driving and all is good and then he decides that he is gonna turn it up a notch and starts driving crazy and takes this SHARP right turn. I go FLYING out of the cart-beer and all- flying thru the air and slide down the fairway on my stomach. My left arm stretched out holding my beer, I finally stop sliding and I still had the beer. I stood up and the beer can was like...dented from me gripping it so tightly. The worst is that other people from the company saw this Blue thing (ME) flying thru the air and were dying laughing. Like I said earlier- my arm is awful and infected and pussing and throbbing."

Ray also puked on my sister a couple of years ago. He's a real catch.

***

I am sad I didn't post any pix in this post.  So I will leave you with and actual photo of a Huckabee supporter.

From Reuters:

Supporters of former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee attend their candidate's New Hampshire primary night rally in Manchester January 8, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria (UNITED STATES)

Now I know why Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution.

I am obsessed with New York City graffiti.  Not necessarily the street art variety (although that stuff is very cool) I am more of a Sharpied penis next to someone's mouth kind of girl.

For example:

"NO SECRET I"VE GOT A RED CUNT!"

Oh my god. THAT'S your secret? You whore! (Special points to the good Samaritan who tried to clean it up...by misspelling 'country.' Or was she making a political statement? Maybe we do live in a 'cuntry?')

***

This is one of my FAVORITE graffitis ever of because it exists on so many levels. It is for the movie "Employee of the Month" that sort of came and went but it features a couple current blips in the pop-culture heart monitor.

DANE COOK I know most comedians despise Dane Cook. He seems like a decent hard-working guy who hooks up his friends. Is he the funniest edgiest comedian in the world? Does he describe things loudly instead of tell jokes? Yes. This is a simple graffiti and one that is appropriate for Dane Cook. A fart Poooof. Well done.

JESSICA SIMPSON How is it that Nick Lachey is now the more talented and successful member of that couple? I didn't think I could enjoy a song/video less than "What's Left of Me" until I saw "A Public Affair" it was like the crabs I imagine Brett Ratner gave Ms. Simpson.

"White devil" yeah pretty accurate. As a white person I can safely say the entire Simpson clan are white devils and if you meet one don't look it in the eyes. You will lose your soul.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH CHALLENGE

This graf is what transcends this piece into art.

"What do you really want to create with this life?"

Amazing. Is this a message to the graffiti posters to lay off the fart bursts? I hope not, I love fart bursts. Classic. Is it to the cast of the film, especially the pretty talented comedian Dax Shepard? Who knows...but I love it.

***

Let's close with another pop culture graffiti. This one for the movie "Munich." 

This picture my friend Crtsyal took for me on the L stop on Lorimer in Brooklyn. She writes "The movie is about how violence never leads to peace etc... and then ends with this real ragey sex scene that is kind of alarming and made me feel for the wife on the other end of it."

"Jeez I can't even ball my wife anymore without thinking about violence begets violence...what a moral. Don't let violence ruin your sex life."

I love that the graffiti artist took from "Munich" the lesson of "Don't let violence ruin your sex life!"

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST! HJs for everyone!

While I am in LA, I am staying with my good friend Seth . He's hilarious and a great friend**. But he's the kind of guy who's on MySpace, not Facebook. So he's got some problems.

Trying to be a good roomie, I did a little grocery shopping. I went to Trader Joe's which may possibly be the high-light of my trip. I am not saying that to dis LA. My experience at Trader Joe's was Zen-like. The one on 14th St in Manhattan is insane 24/7. I have only been once, on a Tuesday at 2pm, and the line was snaking to the door. Complete nightmare.

To tell the rest of the story there is not way around this fact: I like a lot of fiber in my diet. I take psyllium husk caps. They keep things moving if you know what I mean (poop). I had to buy some in LA and I figured hippie-dippie Trader Joes would have them. They didn't have straight psyllium husk but they had something called "Colon Cleanse" and I figured that's close enough. I come home later that night to find my "Colon Cleanse" defaced by Seth.

A note with a question mark. (Note the bottle of "Colon Cleanse" with a drawing of one's colon. And note the lovely LA light.)

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

This note has some problems. The Highlighter. Seth couldn't grab a pen? People who write with highlighters are telling themselves "I am not worth it." The Handwriting: I know the standard thing to say with creepy handwriting is "looks like a serial killer." But this really does look like a serial killer. I thought to prove the point I would show you an example of the Unabomber's handwriting.

I actually think the Unabomber's handwriting is neater that Seth's. Yikes.

In conclusion, yes I buy pills to help me digest my food but Seth is a green-highlighter Unabomber. Which would you rather be?

** Although from the comments Seth has written on my FOD blog, it would be hard to tell that he and I are great friends as he is horribly mean to me. He is just mad because I owe him $26,000.

Ali Lohan is Lindsay Lohan's little sister. She is the 14 year-old spawn of Parents-of-the-Year Dina and Michael Lohan. I recently saw a picture of Ali Lohan that made my head spin.

This is a picture of a 14 year-old girl. Lemme write it one more time: she is 14 years old. Not 34 or 44. 14. There is no doubt that she is a beautiful girl. Those Lohans have some good genes. (Unfortunately the same genes that provide shiny hair, adorable freckles and sparkling eyes tend to like cocaine and driving while drunk.)

I just can't get over the fact that this kid is 14. She looks like she's twice divorced with a step-daughter. She looks like she should be leading a "Parents without Partners" meeting. She has the same intense eyes as someone who has battled a diet pill addiction. But how!?! She is 14 years-old.

There is no doubt in my mind that Ali Lohan, age 14, is hotter than I am at my current adult age. I have a lot of hot friends that have kids and Ali Lohan is more of a MILF than they are. But for the sake of a fair comparison, this is a picture of me when I was 14.

Note the lack of make-up or hair extensions. Note the side-ponytail (I did it myself). Note the braces and the pixelated Scotty dog sweater. I agree, this is a pretty dorky picture that screams "future comedian.  But shouldn't 14 year-old girls look more dorky than hot? I know I am being old-lady-no-fun for saying that, but a 14 year-old girl looking that smoking just doesn't seem natural. But then again I may just be jealous because Ali Lohan is way hotter than I am.

***

Also, Phil Jackson is a douche bag baby.  I just had to say that.  I would love for Boston to beat LA in four games just to see that fat face cry.

That is all.

Hello, FODers,

We'll be spending this week of blogging together and I am thrilled. I am NYC based but I am in Los Angeles for the month of June doing a show at UCB LA called "Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made, Ever! " This means I have plenty of free time to devote to my blog. You are welcome.

One of the things I have noticed since I have been in LA is an occurrence I am calling "Wayne Newton Mouth." Wayne Newton Mouth or WNM is when a person has plastic surgery on their face and end up with Wayne Newton's mouth. I noticed it on a woman at the gym, it was on the guy with the camouflage pants and "Just for Men" dyed hair biking at the Grove. I think everyone who gets plastic surgery gets the same mouth. Don't believe me? Let's take a peek.

This is Wayne Newton

Look at his mouth. I have seen clowns at children's parties with a less creepy mouth. (Obviously there is a lot wrong with the Wayne Newton photo: the make-up, the eyes so tight he looks like he's impersonating Renee Zellweger, the Mystic Tan, the old-man chest hair, but today we are focusing on just the mouth.)

Meg Ryan has Wayne Newton Mouth.

And she has some weird boobs. It is as if she asked for a mid-belly boob job. "I want HUGE boobs, hovering over my belly button."

Jocelyn Wildenstein has a horrifying example of WNM. Jesus, that woman is scarier than the "Hostel" movies.

How do you think me and my daughter look with Wayne Newton mouth?

Pretty hot.

Coming up tomorrow. Ali Lohan a cougar?