Dallas Area Rapid Transit...Yes indeedy folks, certainly one of the snappier gov't acronyms I've come across. And I ride the shit out of it. Not the buses mind you, it's not that I mind the smell of dirty people or McDonalds, it's when the smells combines that I get surly. Just the rail. And don't patronize me, I know it's not the coolest. My friends and co-workers all give me the same line.

"It's just like driving, we both get to the same place." Oh yeah? Did you pick up any homeless dudes that shit their pants recently in the back seat of your Jetta? No. Well I did! Seemed like after NoJobBob dropped a wet deuce in his acid washed Lee jeans he thought, "Time for a train ride." See him? He's standng next to the guy with the mullet trying to fight it's way from underneath his 'Kid Rock' hat. Yeah him, the one with the sleevless UFC T-shirt that hasn't showered since Alf was on television. We rode to work together today. Yaaaaay!

This morning I look up from my hangover and accidentally make eye contact with a man wearing a bicycle helmet, those one piece pajamas with the feet in them and he's eating one of those big turkey legs, like you get at the fair. Which by the way, regardless of it's owner and the fact it was 6:45 in the morning, looked absolutely delicious. He sees me looking at the rubber action grip on the bottom of his feet.

"Pretty sweet right? I can go outside, I can go back inside, I can go outside, inside, it really doesn't matter. Sky's the limit."

Unfortunately where I work, this was the smartest thing I heard all day. This is my stop...

No matter the gigantic stack of good qualities I posess, I wasn't technically human in my girlfriend's eyes without a Facebook profile. I'd beat it down for months, dodging around a myriad of real and made up responsilbilities about why I had no time. But after getting caught one Sunday saying I "didn't have much to do that day" I was 'nagplowed' into setting something up. I coincidentally had an invite in my yahoo from a friend that was the hub of social activity where I used to live, so I was plus 1 friend already!'DINg-DiNG'dInG-Ding-DIng' By lunch my inbox was full. I was in awe. They should rename Facebook 'GirlsYouUsedToSleepWithThat AreWayHotterNow.' I mean Damn...Why do they decide to do 'adult entertainment' now, and I got them back when they worked at Pet Smart. Needless to say, as a newb, I was completely transfixed. 'DInG!!!' Oh an alert! Guess what, Jorge, that Peruvian oxe herder you friended because you both like that one movie? He just took a shit...Thought you should Know! It's amazing how much info you get on people, like it or not. That dude you hate is rich, that band you left is making a killing in the UK,that blind date you skipped? The Croatian lingerie model was pissed off, but your buddy Chris was not, because he filled in, and they only left his room twice all weekend, both times for Gatorade. Hi five buddy, I'll put the pics of what you missed on your 'wall.' What a kick in the Facebook...

Went over to my homeboy's crib the other night to rendevous before a late night screening of the original Donnie Darko. "Dude I still need to shower, let Trevor entertain you for a bit." Trevor is his 10 year old stepson and was currently engrossed in his Play Sation 3.  He paused the action and looked up at me with the exuberance of youth. "Want to play?"I have to admit my naivete when it comes to the new game systems that are out. But I'm from the old school, a stomper of dual footed mushrooms and turtle shells, a gold coin gobbling blue spiky rodent blur, I NEVER needed the extra 21 guy code in Contra. Up,up,down,down was for pussies... This kid was in for a beatdown. "Alright Tanner, give me the 411 on this game young blood." -"It's Trevor."

"Awesome."Tanner hands me a controller the size of a dachsund with more blinking lights on it than a crib mobile for special needs babies. "What the chode is this thing!?!"

-"Alright, your left toggle aims your gun and the right one strafes. Hold the control pad forward to move. The right bank of buttons are your primary weapons, machine gun, sniper rifle, rocket launcher, and your secondary buttons are for side items like knives, laptop computers and grappling hooks.""What?" At this point I'm thinking there's probably not a blinky red flower in this one that I can jump on then shoot fireballs out of my face.-"Don't worry you'll get it. I'll tell everybody you're a rookie.""Tell who?"Trevor puts the mic down on his headset.-"Yo check it, we got a newb in the house." He then explained to me he's playing with a bunch of Korean kids over the net. Fine with me, let all across the globe feel my wrath!!!12 seconds later I'm dead. It quickly became a game of me trying to run more than 20 paces without getting shot in half. I don't think I ever got to fire my weapon.-"Might help if you use your perimeter shield, the button on the bottom."Oh good another button. Unfortunately this didn't work either. To make it a challenge all the other gamers were only allowed to use hand weapons. The result was a 33 year old man running in circles hitting every button he could on the controller like a frustrated epileptic while children from Korea stabbed me to death with hunting knives."Alright dude, I'm ready to go lets roll out," says my buddy who appeared just in time. I throw down the controller in frustration. Trevor looks at me with a shit eating grin. "Have fun?" he asks. I flick him on the forehead as hard as I can and walk towards the door.-"Owww! What was that for?!?"

"Your shield was down bro..."

Your boss is a total asshole...I'm obligated as a human being to forewarn you guys. I happened upon him at a dog park in SanFrancisco and after being exposed to a mere 7 minutes of his jabbering while my girlfriend's dog dropped a deuce, I had to really fight the impulse to punch him in the dick. Which is how I operate when I get gangster. He was blabbing about his new promotion to Southwest Commercial Services Manager and how 'When he got to San Diego, heads would roll.' He needed people that think 'out of the box' that 'lead from the front' and 'don't masturbate at work.' I'm fuzzy on the last one, but it's not really important to the story. He went on to tell a wonderful story about how he and Tricia blew 8 g's on a Napa Valley wine getaway they won at an auction to benefit the 'Bottle Nose Dolphins Without Fathers Foundation.' He explained that he would've bought another case of the '87 Shiraz, but the luggage space on in his new Porsche Turbo Cabriolet is very limited. They were going to stay longer but they had to meet the interior designer that's putting the indoor Chinese rock garden in the Aspen Condo. Jenna said she did Victoria Beckham's two sons playhouses servants quarters and it made the cover of Vogue Child last year. She's an artist. The rest from there is just a muted 'blah,blah,blah,blah with that sound on Charlie Brown they play when ever an adult talks. But I couldn't take my eyes off the popped color on his canary yellow Izod, his white Ralph Lauren ribbed tennis sweater tied around the waste of his linen capri pants. Luckily I was able to break away and walk off before I blacked out. I lived to tell this story. So to any of you whose jobs fall under this colossal douche bag's jurisdiction, you are truly, truly fucked...Stay thirsty my friends.