(Written in crayon by Melba Mazurky, Staff writer for the Mazurky Gazette):
M A Z U R K Y J A Z Z F E S T I V A L
A minute and 37 seconds after the last car left the Ingaddadavidafest parking lot the Mazurky Jazz Feztival Committee began setting up for this venue. So it meant a lot to us.
The Festival was a semi-huge success. Here's the line-up in the order they were thrown off the stage:
-The Electric Kazoo Olympic Bronze Medalists. -Figleaf Newton. -Some guy named John playing spoons on a pig's ass. -Scooby-doo and the Cartoon Jazz Plethora. -Bill the Jazz Guy. -Luke Warm's Atomic Jazz Fusion Melodrama All-star Jazz Ensemble. -Ricolah Commercial Horn Blowers. -Billyjoe Jimbob Georgeringo Mazurky.
-Jimmy Hendricks and his five-foot flame-throwing accordian and ice-cream-truck-notifier. -Alowishes "Sonuvahbiscuiteater" Jones with the Magical Musical Mofo Mistresses. -Orangatang Mike, Jezebel Mazurky, Floyd Ignatius" Crotchatorria, and the Chucklehead Quartet Band. -The Mazurky Turkey Warblers. -Joe. Lineup disclaimer: the MazJazzFez is held every four years, along with the Leap Year BINGO Game and other Gottadime Production Events, so what was popular four years ago at the time of scheduling may not be so popular now.
2012 Mazurky Jazz Festival lineup to be announced sometime within the next four years. As we say in the jazz world; see you then.
Remember the last time you rode your bike? The wind, the sun, the bike, the fun!
I don’t mean lately, but when you were a kid, agewise. If you’re a kid now, you won’t understand this. Yet. Maybe.
I rode my bike a lot as a kid. Ape hanger handlebars, banana seat, sissy bar, slight fork. I could pop a wheelie off a bottle cap, and stop on a dime with pedal brakes.
On Saturdays I was gone. After cereal, a cartoon or two, and chores. Gone till sundown. Looking at a map it’s astounding to see the distances I rode as a kid.
A flat tire was devastating to me. It took forever to get fixed, but when I got on my bike again it was Christmas. We were best friends, and I rode with a huge smile our first day back together. The wind, the sun, the bike, the fun.
I had other interests; I was in Boy Scouts and played some basketball. And in the alley my little brother and I played frisbee, football, baseball, basketball, hockey, 4-square, steal-the-bacon…
...we had a huge hide-and-seek game in our neighborhood that included 20 kids easy...
...we had a ping-pong table in the garage, and during the summer the neighbors came around to play ping-pong and chess till 1 or 2 a.m., or later...
...the best frozen custard stand in the city was a block over.
At some point or another all those things came to an end.
I don’t know when I stopped riding my bike. By high school I guess. I try to think about it, to picture the last day I rode it. It was probably a sunny Saturday, or maybe Labor Day before freshman year. I don’t remember riding it in high school. Different interests, I suppose. Eventually school, jobs, friends, and cars are the end of most “kid” activities.
I don’t remember when the last day was but I wonder about it.
If I could just go back to the last bike ride.
What changed after that? What kept me from riding my bike again and having fun, like so many miles before? I don’t know and don’t care. I only need to remember the last time I rode my bike as a kid.
To be there and ride my bike again, before it was the last time, when it was still just another bike ride.
The wind, the sun, the bike, the fun.
OLYMPIC PLAYGROUND SPORTS USA MEDAL COUNT ------------------------------ Medal = Button Key: GOLD = ALUMINUM SILVER = FIBERGLASS BRONZE = PAPIER-MACHE’ --------------------------------------------------
DOUBLE-DUTCH JUMP ROPE EVENT The Aluminum Button was easy for this team, as ALL the other competitors contracted poison ivy. Since they showed up, they won. They jumped anyway, despite boos from the crowd. The itchy, scratching, oozing crowd. SYNCHRONIZED MERRY-GO-ROUND EVENT 2004/Athens U.S. Bronze medal champions, Lisa, Louie, and Lima Bean Mazurky cross-trained inside the Capsule Simulation Chamber at NASA every weekend for the last four years. They threw-up many peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, but were able to get the Fiberglass this time “around”. HOPSKOTCH John “Grasshopper” Armstrong won Aluminum in the Olympic Hopskotch Men’s Singles for the U. S. of America. Armstrong wears a green uniform, including shoes, socks, jockstrap, and headband. And shirt and shorts, of course. Sometimes. “Grasshopper” chews and spits tobacco while hopskotching, and has been known to use a genuine imitation green cicada-shaped ruby as his “tossing rock”. Hopskotch Coach Luke Warm, 2-time Aluminum Button Champion in the Men's Singles Hopskotch Event kept the team focused with cross-training that included drinking large quantities of espresso and playing games of Twister while wearing a blindfold and bubble-wrap underwear. “It was about time we dethroned the Scottish Hopskotch Team dynasty. Just ‘cause the sport has the name “skotch” in it doesn’t mean they get to win every four @#$!ing years!” Thanks Coach, for being a great American, and for bringing home the ALUMINUM! Hopskotch Mixed Doubles Olympic Fiberglass Button winner Bernie "Bunny" Mazurky said "at first the whole team was a little jumpy, but after warming up we're all very hoppy. And skotchy. Hopskotchy we call it." Mazurky is the grandson of Olympic BINGO champion Steve Mazurky, famed "steroid-king" of the BINGO world. Bernie broke his left ankle during warm-ups and was last seen on crutches in the parking lot. PLAYGROUND BIATHLON; POGOSTICK & SLINGSHOT A coveted sport amongst playground enthusiasts, the Playground Biathlon is a hearty mimic of the better known Ski & Shoot. Dwayne “Pogo Butt” Mackahackalatchy won Aluminum in the “Pogo & Sling”. In the Extreme Doubles Competition Siamese twins Cindy and Sandy Warm won Fiberglass due to several hangnail situations that caused several spectator accidents. Three other members of the team were disqualified for aiming at a Panda. They were hit by a rickshaw just outside the stadium and were last seen cussing in the parking lot. Coach Melissa “Pogo-sling” Crotchatorria had the team cross-train by jumping on a mini-trampoline while using a jackhammer. “It helped them prepare for the intense nuances involved in this sport. And I got a new driveway, too.” <:{)
OLYMPIC LESSER-KNOWN SPORTS
MEDAL COUNT
The Lesser-Known Sports medals are actually buttons. Here‘s a comparison of medals to buttons: GOLD = ALUMINUM SILVER = FIBERGLASS BRONZE = PAPIER-MACHE’ ------------------------------------------------------------------------- OLYMPIC PROSTATE EXAMINERS Held in the rear of the stadium, this event fell behind when a mudslide prevented a punctual opening. This Lesser-Known Sport usually leaves spectators a little queezy, especially those forced to be examined due to the seating-chart lottery system. This event is scored on precision, depth, technique, cleanliness, courtesy, and billing. Dr. Jimmy “Longfinger” Warm had a hangnail and only won Papier-mache’. OLYMPIC BELLYFLOP Cradshaw “Cannonball” Mazurky won the Aluminum Button for the United States with his ab-cringing splash. Mazurky’s splash sent water into the cotton-candy machine on the second level concession area. “He was floptacular”, said Bob Costas, who got a few drops of pool water in his rice pudding. OLYMPIC “OKLAHOMA!” MUSICAL PERFORMANCE This Lesser-Known Sport is a doozy. A real “display of stamina”, says Luke Warm, director and Head of Smaller Cattle at the “Rodgers and Hammerstein Theatre of Arts and The Musical Oklahoma!” located in Whatsmyname, Kansas. “We knew we had Aluminum, the hard part was watching Oklahoma! Sixteen times in a row. You have know idea how difficult this event really is until you sit thru that crap over and over and over again."
DING-DONG DITCH Casey and Anthony Crotchatorria literally ran-away with the Fiberglass in this event, and were last seen headed for the hills of Beijing to ring every doorbell they see in celebration.
BEIJING OLYMPICS
The Beijing Olympics had many great moments, including: ---some swimmer dude winning lots of Gold Medals, ---the Women’s Beach Volleyball Towel Boy collision, and ---the Email-Money-Scam Event whereas Nigeria won Gold, Silver, and Bronze. Again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unfortunately, several “Lesser Known Sports” received little or no TV airtime and remain unnoticed. These events included: OLYMPIC BELLYFLOP OLYMPIC PROSTATE EXAMINERS OLYMPIC “OKLAHOMA!” MUSICAL PERFORMANCE OLYMPIC DING-DONG DITCH OLYMPIC HOPSKOTCH Remember, just because you didn’t see these events on TV, and countries pretend they don’t exist, doesn’t mean they aren’t as spectacular as the alleged “real” sports. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW & MPROVED LESSER-KNOWN SPORT EVENTS COMING TO THE 2012 LONDON OLYMPICS! TAXI-CAB DRIVING; The New York Cab Association will sponsor this event, which has sparked interest in several countries, especially Mexico, Italy, Puerto Rico, and Antartica. GOOGLING; this event has not yet been organized. Not sure how this would work, but what Google wants, Google gets. CHARADES; everyone’s favorite party game, this joyful event will have a twist---it will be played while parachuting out of an upside-down crop-duster. The team must determine the charaded topic before landing on the crop formation target. If we get permission. ROAD RAGING; the organizers are working out the legalities of this event, which will include coffee spillage, middle-finger distribution, and verbal communication. METH-AMPHETAMINE PRODUCTION; Again, depending on the legalities thing.
OLYMPIC HOPEFULS -------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOPSKOTCH The United States Hopskotch Association of America (USHAofA) is hoppy to announce a hopeful hopful for the Hopskotch Men’s Singles Aluminum Medal as John “Grasshopper” Armstrong. Armstrong wears a green uniform, including shoes, socks, jockstrap, and headband. And shirt and shorts, sometimes, of course. “Grasshopper” chews and spits tobacco while hopskotching, and has been known to use a genuine imitation green ruby as his “tossing rock”. "Everything is hopping along," says Hopskotch Mixed Doubles Olympic hopeful Bernie "Bunny" Mazurky. "At first the whole team was a little jumpy, but after warming up we're all very hoppy. And skotchy. Hopskotchy we call it." Mazurky is the grandson of Olympic BINGO champion Steve Mazurky, famed "steroid-king" of the BINGO world. Coaching the Hopskotch team is Luke Warm, 2-time Aluminum Medal Champion in the Men's Singles Hopskotch Event. Warm keeps the team focused with cross-training that includes drinking large quantities of espresso and playing games of Twister while blindfolded. “It’s time we dethrone the Scottish Hopskotch Team dynasty. Just ‘cause the sport has the name “skotch” in it doesn’t mean they get to win every four @#$!ing years!” Thanks Coach, now go get us some ALUMINUM! DOUBLE-DUTCH JUMP ROPE EVENT The Double-dutch team was the biggest Olympic hopeful of all (lesser-known) sports until they contracted poison ivy. The team has been banned from Olympic competition and was last seen scratching and cussing in the parking lot. PLAYGROUND BIATHLON; POGOSTICK & SLINGSHOT A coveted sport amongst playground enthusiasts, the Playground Biathlon is a hearty mimic of the better known Ski & Shoot. The Pogo & Sling will no doubt turn heads this Olympic season, especially in the Extreme Competition. Coach Melissa “Pogo-sling” Crotchatorria has the team cross-training by jumping on a mini-trampoline while using a jackhammer. “It helps them prepare for the intense nuances involved in this sport. And I get a new driveway, too.”
