On July 31, 2009, President Obama, Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and police Sgt. James Crowley met under the guise of beer drinkers to observe what the White House is calling “a teachable moment.” I might add, in addition to the beer, they munched on peanuts and pretzels, perfectly aware that the odds of another goon choking on a pretzel while at the White House was pretty darn slim.

First, I’d like to give kudos to Obama for devising such a genius White House event. Every teachable moment should include a beer. Beer begets wisdom, which begets peace, which begets a nice long nap. Oh, I forgot, beer also begets nachos. That’s important to know.

So, what follows is my breakdown of current rifts in the United States, and the beer that I think would go well for each teachable moments.

U.S. – Afghanistan War – Since this war is actually the U.S. vs. Iraq War, because some goon believed that Iraq had WMD, this teachable moment should include a beer that really isn’t what it claims to be: Corona. That’s right. Budweiser strong-armed Corona and bought it out, which is exactly what Bush did to Iraq.

Illegal Immigration – Corona Light, of course. It’s the only thing that narrow-minded, racist Americans like about Mexicans. Wait – it’s not a Mexican beer. Never mind.

Neo-Nazi Movement – I believe that Obama should invite these skinheads to the White House for a Heineken and explain to them that they, too, are like Heinekens. See, they are Americans, who were made in America, but want to be German, much like the Dutch, who make Heineken, want to be German. Additionally, like the crisp Hispanic flavor of the Heineken, these Neo Nazi’s could have a little of the non-white blood in them, too.

Health Care vs. Republicans – Pipeline Porter would be ideal for this “Teachable Moment.” Pipeline Porter, made at the Kona Brewery in Hawaii, is made with coffee. So, you can’t get drunk – just slightly buzzed with a rapid heartbeat. It gives a completely new meaning to “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee,” which is exactly what the right-wingers need to do. They need to wake up and realize that America needs affordable healthcare. Period. End. Otherwise … there will be no beer. More people will get sick and die. And you can’t drink beer when you’re dead.

Palin’s Resignation – I think any beer will do for this Celebratory … I mean Teachable Moment. What have we learned from Ms. Palin? That true leaders can stand up to scrutiny and that faux leaders only do well with a well-crafted script. We’ve also learned that we should make fun of stupid people, because eventually they’ll run away. Cheers!

Beer is a gift of God, and I believe was never really valued as a teachable drink. Benjamin Franklin has even said, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” In other words, teachable moments should be happy moments, draped under the influence of drunken denial and ignorance. Yes, I believe that that is what B.F. was trying to say.

Here’s to beer and wisdom!

As some of you may be aware, I'm having trouble with my computer, which runs Vista. Today, I sent the following letter to Microsoft:

I have been a devout PC user since 1984. Thus, it seemed second nature for me to place my undying love for Microsoft into the hands of a PC expert (i.e. some sales goober at MicroCenter), who, seeing my vulnerable indoctrination, convinced me that Vista is "great."

Sadly, my sense of true PC identity began to weather the storms of "click and wait" and "VBScript runtime error," like a teenager enduring the ridicule of a love once lost. Over time, the romanticized idealizations that swelled within my heart every time I watched an "I'm a PC" commercial began to throb within my mind like an unbearable itch that only an old, wool sweater emblazoned with the letters PC, could create. It has caused me great grief and pain to endure this. "Using a computer shouldn't have to be so difficult," said a voice from the corner of my mind. I tried to stifle it, but the voice eventually rang true.

Finally, it was only a matter of time - brief time, I might add - before I experienced the awakening. Hence, the pulling away of the veil could easily be equated to the ripping of a band-aid from the youthful, sensitive skin of a three year old. Though painful to remove, the disposal of the PC mentality was quite liberating. Thus, I have decided that no price is too high to eradicate dealing with this piece of crap you call Vista. I'm buying a MAC. Microsoft can kiss my ass.

Sincerely,
Gabrielle Birchak

I’m a writer, which according to my mom, is a nice hobby.

According to my mom, I “own” a PR/Communications business, which according to me is an impressive way of saying “I can do anything with words, even prostitution. Just pay me. Any amount will do.”

So, how does a writer get through this depression?


Well, what follows is my six-point strategy for making and/or saving and/or wanting money and still having time for hanging out at Facebook (or FunnyOrDie, or MySpace, or the local Dominos, which, in my case, happens to have a broken Galaga arcade game where I can get multiple games for free).

Point One: Advertise your services on Craigslist. On Mondays, I advertise under writing services. If no work comes in, by Friday I go to eBay and sell off a wrench or two from my husband’s workbench.

What? That man hasn’t lifted a tool since George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, which by the way never happened.
Point Two: Save energy. Every day I go through the house and turn off every light, every electronic gizmo and unplug the items I’m not using. Then I lock myself in my office, and turn on my three computers, a printer, a television, a boom box, and an electric room heater to keep my office at a balmy 82 degrees for my pit bull/office mate and me.

Point Three: Scrimp on groceries. According to my mom, during the depression her family got by on potatoes and pasta. Yet, her family always managed to embellish these simple meals with meat that Grandpa would barter for with fruit that he stole from the local fruit vender. And, of course, Grandpa, as he did work for the bootleggers, managed to bring home the occasional bottle of brain-numbing liquid. This helped him and Grandma forget that there was a depression, which leads me to Point Four.

Point Four: Drink more. Ignorance truly is bliss.

Point Five: Don’t complain about the depression. We’re all feeling it – we’re all broke. Talk about the fun things – like getting lucky … or wanting to get lucky. Hey, maybe we’ll even be a little sober and might remember a few things you’ve said.

Point Six: Go into Bunker Mode. Again, advice from my mom: keep to your self and don’t make friends with strangers. People that you think you can trust will start to steal from you. That is unless you steal from them first. Yes, the best place to make friends is online, in the virtual world, where no one is really who they are. Finally, it’s acceptable to have invisible friends!

So there you have my six-point strategy for surviving the Great Depression of the 21st Century! Please, if you are an invisible friend, let me know how these tips work out for you!

This will teach those damn teenagers not to mess with an old lady's "whole life."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4602626/Teenage-handbag-thief-outpaced-by-72-year-old-ex-sprinter.html

Clearly this goat prefers fuel efficient vehicles.

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSTRE50M4XT20090124

If I were Obama, with this being my first day in office, I'd remove all the bushes surrounding the White House. Maybe put in something that blooms, and changes and grows.

Of course, it would have to require minimum pruning.