Blog number two, long overdue apparently. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel that I should write unless I have something worth writing about. This is probably the reason why I detest writing papers for school. It’s like, “oh, thank you so much for forcing me to write about something I don’t want to write about and you don’t want to read about! I really appreciate it.”

So my current predicament is whether puppies or babies are better. This was sparked by my aunt’s recent miracle baby arrival, and also my roommate informing me that she is getting another puppy to live with us. To which I replied “I think I might be pregnant, hope you don’t mind.” A little bit of background: my roommate is made very uncomfortable by babies. And I like puppies alright and everything, but when they get in the way of my peaceful living environment we have a serious problem. Let’s go through the comparison now, shall we? (Rhetorical question, you don’t really have a say in this at all.)

Puppies: Piss and shit anywhere they want. Which is usually where you least want them to. PROS: Can’t really think of any. CONS: Everything.

Babies: Piss and shit in a contained, polyethylene, disposable sack with two pieces of tape holding it all in. PROS: Keyword: disposable. CONS: Keyword: rots forever in landfill.

VERDICT: Babies-1, Puppies-0

Puppies: Dependent on you for at most 15 years. PROS: Not too short, not too long. CONS: Something is dependent on you, and therefore you are not free.

Babies: Dependent on you for 18 years MINIMUM!! PROS: Something is dependent on you, and therefore your life is not completely worthless. CONS: This kid is going to suck the life, and bank account balance, right out of you.

VERDICT: Babies-1, Puppies-1

Puppies: Act cute, look cute. PROS: Who doesn’t like cute? CONS: What are they hiding?!

Babies: Look cute. PROS: Again, who doesn’t appreciate cute? CONS: All they do is sit there like a blob. A baby blob. BORING!

VERDICT: Babies-1, Puppies-2

Puppies: Eat dog food. PROS: Pretty consistent. CONS: Unappetizing smell, to put it lightly. Expensive. Also I read somewhere that the meat used in dog food consumed by Americans alone is enough to feed a small Third World country.

Babies: Eat breast milk. PROS: Cheap, makes your boobs bigger, allows you to eat more calories. CONS: Leakage, soreness, and you can’t get drunk.

VERDICT: Babies-2, Puppies-2

Puppies: You go to the humane society and adopt them. No one gets hurt. PROS: Easy as stealing candy from a.. puppy? CONS: Humane societies smell kind of funny, and one could argue, the cost of gas to drive there.

Babies: You have sex, get knocked up, are pregnant for almost a year, are in labor for 23 hours, and pass the thing out of your body. Sounds like lots and lots of hurt. Your body and va-jay-jay are never the same again. PROS: I guess one could argue the sex, if it was amazing sex. CONS: HOLY SHIT! Why would anyone DO that to themselves?!?!?!?!

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FINAL VERDICT: Babies-2, Puppies-1,000,002

I’m making an appointment tomorrow to get my tubes tied.

You stay sexy now! (But please, use some form of birth control!)

-E-weezy

P.S. I discovered this music video as I wrote this, and thought it was fitting.

What's up playa haters?!

So here goes my first blog ever , as requested. (I guess that means I’m losing my bloginity , huh?) I’m writing this because apparently I’m a people-pleaser, and I cave under peer pressure like a child’s plastic rocking chair under Jared S. Fogle, pre-Subway diet. But enough about me…wait… I think this whole thing is supposed to be about me. Never mind.

 

So why don’t I start where it all began. I mean, Julie Andrews once said the very beginning is a very good place to start. So I was just minding my own business, watching ET, (Entertainment Tonight, not the cute alien flick) when it happened. The Landlord viral video, starring none other than Will Ferrell, was being featured on the show to promote this new website, FunnyOrDie.com. I curse that day and my own stupidity for checking out the website. Damn my acute curious nature and unhealthy attraction to Will Ferrell!!! If I would have known that day what I was getting myself into, I would have severed all my fingers with a spork from Taco Bell so I would be unable to type in that godawful URL!!

 

Since I joined about 1 year ago, FOD has slowly but surely taken over my life. If I’m not on the site itself, I’m thinking about when the next possible chance I can get on it is. I wake, sleep, breathe, eat, drink, sweat, masturbate, etc. to FOD. It’s gotten to the point where the videos don’t remind me of things in real life, but real life reminds me of things I’ve seen in videos. Yeah. Scary. I have a serious and sick problem, and I am aware of it.

 

There were some stages I went through before I reached this point of acceptance. The first was denial. “I’m fine,” I would say to myself. “I’m not doing anything wrong,” was another favorite argument. “Laughter is the best medicine, so what I’m doing is actually a good thing!” my conniving inner self would convince me.  

 

The next stage was shame. I was ashamed to let anyone find out about my dark secret. I didn’t want anyone to see me for the monster I had become. When friends and classmates would tell me about “this funny online video they highly recommended” I would feign ignorance. “Oh, that sounds really good, I’ll have to watch that sometime,” I would announce. Deep down inside, I was praying my lies sounded sincere, as I had already seen said video an inhuman amount of times. People would also tell me I “had more color to my face, had I been tanning??” I would reply, “Oh yeah, I had a free session for this place and decided to use it before it expired,” when in reality my ‘tan’ was from the radiation emissions of my laptop screen.

 

The third stage was attempted quitting. I swore to myself things such as “this is my last FOD session ever,” and “I’m going to have FOD blocked from my computer and life!” Nothing worked. I considered pouring gasoline on my computer and burning it, but I just couldn’t bear to lose my amazingly high score in Pinball to the flames.

 

So here I am today, fully conscious of the fact that I am an addict. My family tries to be supportive of me in my rehabilitation process, but sometimes they’ll make insensitive comments such as “you obviously have waaaaay too much time on your hands.” My roommate says that she thinks I’m getting slightly better, because at least I’m not “ignoring her calls like I used to just to finish a stupid video.” My co-workers laugh ‘with me instead of at me’ now when I absentmindedly start pelvic grinding and singing “Show me your genitals” while I’m working.

 

Sometimes I’ll catch myself imagining how much easier life would be if I could just live in FODworld. I think to myself, “It’d be great! If I’m hungry I can just eat the ‘Unbelievable Dinner,’ if I need a car I can just ‘get out my fucking checkbook,’ if I get lonely I could just pursue a long-term relationship with ‘Onscreen Chemistry!’ Life would be awesome!” But then I slap myself hard, twice across the face and once across the boobs, and tell myself to “suck it up and face reality!” Nah but really, my life is okay out in the real world, I have no major complaints.

 

But I will still always have that special place in my life for FOD. It’s a love/hate relationship, but hey, that’s how it usually goes.

 

Until next time, fellow FODers! Remember, we’re all in this together because we share this common bond. You stay sexy now!  

-E-weezy