Evil Works Pictures was formed by Carlos Cruise and the Rock Show Power Hour way back in the land before time... One salty morning back in the year 2000 when Hank was helping his two Dads fish for Tuna along the Saint Lawrence River he saw before him a... more »
Evil Works Pictures was formed by Carlos Cruise and the Rock Show Power Hour way back in the land before time...
One salty morning back in the year 2000 when Hank was helping his two Dads fish for Tuna along the Saint Lawrence River he saw before him a vision; rising from the murky depths was a literally horny fellow that wanted nothing more than to slather sweet fresh tuna all over his red man-chest and bare barnacle encrusted nether-regions. The sexy beast introduced himself as “Seymore von Sausagen” and showed Hank and his two Dads the ways of tuna-touching. After that day, Hank and his Dads could not look each other in the eye. The uncomfortable silences and awkward glances led to an inability to land large sums of prized fish. The Cloverleaf Canned Tuna factory in Westport Ontario threatened to fire Hank’s Dads if their production did not increase. Once Hank’s Dads heard the news they stripped down to their denim bedazzled man-thongs and tossed back shot after shot of Screech while frolicking around on the deck of their bigger-than-a-Costco fishing barge. Hearing the commotion, Hank raced from the cabin to see what was shaking the ship and he found his Dads entangled in an angry Kamsutra-type love-net of man-tackle and bait. Never seeing his Dads in a position like that impressed Hank so much that he raced to get his camera to film their creative techniques for his soon to be released “As Seen on TV – Lovemaking in a Marine Setting” instructional video but as he ran, his feet slipped on the slippery deck and he was tossed overboard. Hank’s Dads heard the splash but by the time they freed themselves from drunken love’s grasp, Hank had slipped away to join the Men of the Deeps in their sweaty wet black muumuu-esque tomb. Hank, in the water, tried to keep his head afloat but the mighty current sucked on him like a late-night talk show host sucks on a guest. Once Hank hit the rocky bottom of the mighty Saint Lawrence he gave up holding his breath and prepared for the end but as the last bubble of air floated away from his mouth his lips were greeted with a wet kiss from the tuna lovin’ transient who had been trolling the waters for fish when he saw Hank go overboard. Seymore blew air back into Hank’s lungs as they rose. Locking eyes as they breached the surface they both screamed;
What are these? What are these? What are these snails doing between my cheeks? I’m a man, you can’t ride me like a Plecostomus!
Once the wet man-beasts made it ashore Seymore asked Hank, in a strictly man-crush-that-will-never-go-anywhere-because-Hank-is-into-the-ladies kind of way, to run away with him. Hank knew that if he stayed with his Dads that they would go broke and probably have to sell their asses to lonely seamen so when Seymore said that he knew someone in Saskatoon that was looking to hire a couple freaky-deaky funny dudes to promote cool tunes on his radio station Hank jumped at the chance to save his Dads from a life of poverty and ass pain. Literally; Hank jumped into Seymore’s arms and they started their long journey from a small Hispanic fishing village by Westport Ontario to the metropolis of Saskatoon. Along the way, Hank and Seymore camped by a roadside where they ate some freshly sprouted ditch shrooms. This is where Hank learned that Seymore’s name is really Satan. That’s right; the devil himself was roasting weenies over a fire with Hank. Hank learned that back in 1979 Satan was looking for a change in his life so he was re-born from his new Mother’s uterus on the galley of his Father Jacob’s fishing barge that was anchored in the middle of Rideau Lake. Satan worked the boat with Jacob until the Salty Squall of ’88 snatched him away forever. After his Father’s demise, Satan and his Mom moved to the same tiny Hispanic village where Hank grew up. Satan made his living stealing babies for the Gypsies of Sault Saint Marie and his Mother pursued a career in whoring herself for crack. During that same conversation Satan learned that Hank’s real name is Carlos Rodriguez Fernando Fernandez Hartnett Cruise; a name too long to fit on a medic alert bracelet and a tombstone, (Don’t feed Hank pomegranates or rutabagas)! On their long journey to Saskatoon Hank and Satan crossed paths with a sexy slice of man-cheddar cowboy called The Calgary. This savage beast was riding his horse Buttercup to the Calgary Stampede stopping at every local night club and pub along the way trying out various pick-up lines on the local lovely ladies. The Calgary told them his favourite line, a line so good that it had gotten him some action from a public high school girl gym-teacher;
Hey baby girl, do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Enough to break the ice! Hey, how U doin’?
After hearing this now infamous line Hank and Satan knew that the Calgary was a dude so dashing and daring that he needed to be part of their man-posse. They all hit the road together bound for fornication and fame when after a short time, all piled on top of Buttercup, they heard a popping sound and all went down to the ground like a stripper looking for tossed loonies. The Calgary was rubbing his rump, grimacing in pain when out of nowhere appeared a blue bullet in the sky. That bullet was a guy so sexy, smart and sly that he just had to be Super Shawn! The much lusted after Canadian hero flew faster than toast out of a toaster towards the guy-gang carrying a multitude of Preparation H tubes to rub on their sore asses; Who knew that long rides on horseback would force the ‘roids to start raging? After their ass-pain subsided Super Shawn flew the boys and their horse to Saskatoon. With the help of the radio station manager Mr. Michael the Mute Hank and Satan started the Rock Show Power Hour, The Calgary continued on to The Stampede and Super Shawn opened a car wash complete with bikini babes....and the rest, they say, is history. The boys on the Rock Show along with Mr. McSheepalot, Jeb, Belinda, Senior Spanky, Jim Bob and the rest of the crew can be seen and heard on over twenty websites and are lusted after by men and women alike worldwide. Be sure to download Pomegranates & Rutabagas and The “Chest” of 2007 by The Rock Show Power Hour on itunes or amazon.com today! Please, Satan only has two horn-warmers. Winter is coming, he needs one more! « less