Doug Jones's Blog
MAN FINDS RED CARPET IN DUMPSTER AND ATTENDS "IMAGINE THAT" PREMIERE
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
RIVERSIDE, California -- It was luck at first sight for dumpster diver Willie Scott as he was making his weekly visit to the garbage bins outside the Mission Grove Plaza, part of his weekly scavenging route. "Dumpster diving" the practice of sifting through commercial or residential trash to find items that have been discarded by their owners is a practice that has become increasingly popular both in the United States and Britain.
"It was just sitting there, right on top of the bin," says 38-year-old Willie Scott, who loaded the bright red carpet into the back of his pick-up truck and brought it home to show his wife. "We were gonna put it in our hallway, which we are currently remodeling, but it didn't fit so we weren't quite sure what to do with it."
Later that night the Scott's sat at home watching TV, and that's when the idea came to them. "We were watching Access Hollywood's coverage of the MTV Movie Awards and we saw all the famous people walking down the red carpet", Scott's wife, 32-year-old Linda Scott explained. "They were all smiling and having their photos taken, it all looked so glamourous."
It was shortly after that the couple began putting their unique scheme together. "We saw the trailer for "Imagine That" a few months ago and thought it looked fantastic, absolutely fantastic. We both just looked at each other and knew we'd be the first in line to see it when it came out." The comedy-fantasy film stars Eddie Murphy as a financial executive who is invited into his daughter's imaginary world where the solutions to his career problems await him.
After conducting a brief internet search, Willie Scott learned about the premiere at Paramount Studios that upcoming weekend. The couple loaded the red carpet back into their pick-up truck, searched for directions on MapQuest, and headed to the star studded gala in Hollywood.
The couple got stuck in traffic and arrived several hours late, however that didn't stop them. "We just rolled our red carpet up to the one that was already there." Willie Scott told reporters with an enormous smile on his face. "For a brief moment the press stood there baffled because they didn't know who we were, however once we started heading now that carpet the flashes began going off and from that point forward we received superstar treatment."
The Scott's biggest surprise came when they were approached for an interview by "Access Hollywood", the very show that inspired their idea in the first place. "They wanted to know what we've been up to and what we were wearing!" exclaimed Linda Scott. "It was the most exciting experience of my life... Eddie Murphy was standing five feet away from us!"
The couples excitement was short lived however, as Scott's reaction to the movie was not what he hoped it would be.
"Murphy has devolved below the least common denominator, targeting his material for the six-year olds" Willie Scott told reporters. "This movie isn't worth the garbage I found that carpet on, and the longer I watched Murphy's desperate, embarrassing attempts at provoking laughter, the worse I felt. If its failure at comedy isn't reason enough to avoid the movie, its dramatic missteps are even more unforgiveable, dishonest and repugnant. "Imagine That" is an unmitigated failure that won't even entertain the most undiscriminating and uncritical portion of its target audience, it is nothing more than two hours of torture."
In a unpredicted turn of events Scott began striking and lashing out violently at reporters and premiere guests. "Everybody back off, get the f&*k away from me or I'll kill you!" he exclaimed as he took his shirt off and began rolling up his red carpet, then swinging around like a weapon. "Anybody who gets any closer f&*king dies" he warned onlookers.
Local security contained Scott shortly before Los Angeles Police officers took him into arrest. "That man was scary" said 9-year-old actress and Eddie Murphy co-star Yara Shahidi, who was knocked to the ground during the incident. "He swung the carpet at me and I fell down and hurt my knee."
"Imagine That" opens nationwide on Friday, June 12, 2009.
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
RIVERSIDE, California -- It was luck at first sight for dumpster diver Willie Scott as he was making his weekly visit to the garbage bins outside the Mission Grove Plaza, part of his weekly scavenging route. "Dumpster diving" the practice of sifting through commercial or residential trash to find items that have been discarded by their owners is a practice that has become increasingly popular both in the United States and Britain.
"It was just sitting there, right on top of the bin," says 38-year-old Willie Scott, who loaded the bright red carpet into the back of his pick-up truck and brought it home to show his wife. "We were gonna put it in our hallway, which we are currently remodeling, but it didn't fit so we weren't quite sure what to do with it."
Later that night the Scott's sat at home watching TV, and that's when the idea came to them. "We were watching Access Hollywood's coverage of the MTV Movie Awards and we saw all the famous people walking down the red carpet", Scott's wife, 32-year-old Linda Scott explained. "They were all smiling and having their photos taken, it all looked so glamourous."
It was shortly after that the couple began putting their unique scheme together. "We saw the trailer for "Imagine That" a few months ago and thought it looked fantastic, absolutely fantastic. We both just looked at each other and knew we'd be the first in line to see it when it came out." The comedy-fantasy film stars Eddie Murphy as a financial executive who is invited into his daughter's imaginary world where the solutions to his career problems await him.
After conducting a brief internet search, Willie Scott learned about the premiere at Paramount Studios that upcoming weekend. The couple loaded the red carpet back into their pick-up truck, searched for directions on MapQuest, and headed to the star studded gala in Hollywood.
The couple got stuck in traffic and arrived several hours late, however that didn't stop them. "We just rolled our red carpet up to the one that was already there." Willie Scott told reporters with an enormous smile on his face. "For a brief moment the press stood there baffled because they didn't know who we were, however once we started heading now that carpet the flashes began going off and from that point forward we received superstar treatment."
The Scott's biggest surprise came when they were approached for an interview by "Access Hollywood", the very show that inspired their idea in the first place. "They wanted to know what we've been up to and what we were wearing!" exclaimed Linda Scott. "It was the most exciting experience of my life... Eddie Murphy was standing five feet away from us!"
The couples excitement was short lived however, as Scott's reaction to the movie was not what he hoped it would be.
"Murphy has devolved below the least common denominator, targeting his material for the six-year olds" Willie Scott told reporters. "This movie isn't worth the garbage I found that carpet on, and the longer I watched Murphy's desperate, embarrassing attempts at provoking laughter, the worse I felt. If its failure at comedy isn't reason enough to avoid the movie, its dramatic missteps are even more unforgiveable, dishonest and repugnant. "Imagine That" is an unmitigated failure that won't even entertain the most undiscriminating and uncritical portion of its target audience, it is nothing more than two hours of torture."
In a unpredicted turn of events Scott began striking and lashing out violently at reporters and premiere guests. "Everybody back off, get the f&*k away from me or I'll kill you!" he exclaimed as he took his shirt off and began rolling up his red carpet, then swinging around like a weapon. "Anybody who gets any closer f&*king dies" he warned onlookers.
Local security contained Scott shortly before Los Angeles Police officers took him into arrest. "That man was scary" said 9-year-old actress and Eddie Murphy co-star Yara Shahidi, who was knocked to the ground during the incident. "He swung the carpet at me and I fell down and hurt my knee."
"Imagine That" opens nationwide on Friday, June 12, 2009.
L.A. KISSES TIGERS GOODBYE
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
LOS ANGELES, California -- It was sad news for Los Angeles residents last week as it said goodbye to Mid-City boutique "L.A. Tigers." Nestled safely on the street corner of Venice Blvd. and La Brea, "L.A. Tigers" quickly became the cities "one-stop" location for stuffed tigers and marble framed 3-D light-up artwork since it's opening in early 2008.
"This is a dark day for Los Angeles" exclaimed L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who had purchased several stuffed tigers for his most recent slam piece, American broadcast journalist and former beauty queen Lu Parker. "The tiger symbolizes invincibility, might, and the power of the Angeleno." Villaraigosa explained. "Also, they have real pretty stripes."
"It defies all sensible logic why, even in today's economic downfall, a top quality street corner boutique like L.A. Tigers could go out of business." said Stan Feedback, mid-city resident and owner of 63 stuffed tigers. "L.A. Tigers is gone yet the demand for tigers of all sizes still remains, how could this happen?" We surveyed Stan from a short distance as he stood on the now vacant street corner for approximately 25 minutes, completely baffled out of his mind. Shortly after kneeling down and weeping, Stan removed his garage keys from his pocket and used them to take his own life.
"I heard the whole thing was a front for an illegal freezer jam factory" claims Missy Donovan of Culver City. "All you need's a small freezer and a stovetop for a successful freezer jam operation, and certainly all of that can fit in the "mystery room" that lies behind the table where the owner/operator sits." Missy posted her theory on the popular website Yelp.com in February 2008 and has not been seen or spoken to since.
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
LOS ANGELES, California -- It was sad news for Los Angeles residents last week as it said goodbye to Mid-City boutique "L.A. Tigers." Nestled safely on the street corner of Venice Blvd. and La Brea, "L.A. Tigers" quickly became the cities "one-stop" location for stuffed tigers and marble framed 3-D light-up artwork since it's opening in early 2008.
"This is a dark day for Los Angeles" exclaimed L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who had purchased several stuffed tigers for his most recent slam piece, American broadcast journalist and former beauty queen Lu Parker. "The tiger symbolizes invincibility, might, and the power of the Angeleno." Villaraigosa explained. "Also, they have real pretty stripes."
"It defies all sensible logic why, even in today's economic downfall, a top quality street corner boutique like L.A. Tigers could go out of business." said Stan Feedback, mid-city resident and owner of 63 stuffed tigers. "L.A. Tigers is gone yet the demand for tigers of all sizes still remains, how could this happen?" We surveyed Stan from a short distance as he stood on the now vacant street corner for approximately 25 minutes, completely baffled out of his mind. Shortly after kneeling down and weeping, Stan removed his garage keys from his pocket and used them to take his own life.
"I heard the whole thing was a front for an illegal freezer jam factory" claims Missy Donovan of Culver City. "All you need's a small freezer and a stovetop for a successful freezer jam operation, and certainly all of that can fit in the "mystery room" that lies behind the table where the owner/operator sits." Missy posted her theory on the popular website Yelp.com in February 2008 and has not been seen or spoken to since.
TERMINALLY ILL MAN VOWS TO FINISH HIS NETFLIX QUEUE BEFORE HE DIES
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
ATLANTA, Georgia -- Charlie Hutchins, a 62-year old man who was told he only had months to live after being diagnosed with terminal cancer sits on his deathbed at St. Joseph's Hospital with a Sony portable DVD player on his lap. "When I was diagnosed with terminal cancer two months ago it was a difficult time for me and my family" Hutchins told reporters. However, a few days after hearing the news he asked his daughter, 42-year-old Emily Maya Hutchins for an unusual request.
"He told me to upgrade his Netflix plan to be able to allow him to take 8 DVD's out at-a-time." Hutchins daughter told reporters. The plan which bills Netflix customers $47.99 a month, also allows for unlimited instant watching. Hutchins then announced to his friends and family that he plans on watching every single title in Netflix queue before he passes away.
Just how many movies a day are we talking about? "I have 387 titles in my netflix queue right now, if I can get through six a day I might be able to complete my queue in two months more or less." He paused for a moment and then added "...Assuming I make it that far."
Hutchins explains he has been bumping discs to the top of the queue that are of special interest. "I just finished watching The Best of Saturday Night Live: Tom Hanks. I don't normally think of Tom Hanks as a comedian but I was pretty impressed the fact that he is not only willing to spoof his own films but portray inimitable characters as well."
Hutchins admits he expects to run into difficulty somewhere around the halfway point. "I added a lot of titles impulsively that I don't really have any interest in watching anymore. After reading Steve Martin's autobiography "Born Standing Up" I added the first two seasons of "The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour", a show which Martin appeared on both as a writer and performer. I didn't realize this was a 6 disc set containing 20 episodes. It's really hard to sit through this but it's something I promised myself I'd finish." Hutchins added, "Sonny&Cher were a musical act, they had no business doing an hour of comedy."
"He should be spending his final months with his grandchildren, his family, his loved ones..." said Nurse Sandy McNair, "Not watching Mannequin 2: On the Move"
"When can I go in there?" exclaimed 16 year-old grandson Dennis Hutchins as he stood outside room 216 at St. Joseph's Hospital Center on Monday. "Only when he's sleeping." Hutchins has timed his sleeping schedule to match those of hospital visiting hours. This unique plan allows friends and family can visit him at a time that won't interrupt his movie watching. "He really seems to have a system all figured out" said hospital mailroom employee Howie Novak as he picked up a stack of Netflix envelopes ready to be sent back.
"What's the final movie in your queue?" reporters asked. "It's an 80's movie called "Getting It On!" Hutchins says. "It's about a peeping tom who takes his obsession to the next level when he starts a voyeuristic video production company." Hutchins becomes very emotional as he describes the racy sex romp to reporters. "This whole matter becomes complicated when a school principal catches wind of the operation and threatens to ruin their fun" Hutchins paused for a moment to shed a tear, "This will be the final movie I watch before I die."
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
ATLANTA, Georgia -- Charlie Hutchins, a 62-year old man who was told he only had months to live after being diagnosed with terminal cancer sits on his deathbed at St. Joseph's Hospital with a Sony portable DVD player on his lap. "When I was diagnosed with terminal cancer two months ago it was a difficult time for me and my family" Hutchins told reporters. However, a few days after hearing the news he asked his daughter, 42-year-old Emily Maya Hutchins for an unusual request.
"He told me to upgrade his Netflix plan to be able to allow him to take 8 DVD's out at-a-time." Hutchins daughter told reporters. The plan which bills Netflix customers $47.99 a month, also allows for unlimited instant watching. Hutchins then announced to his friends and family that he plans on watching every single title in Netflix queue before he passes away.
Just how many movies a day are we talking about? "I have 387 titles in my netflix queue right now, if I can get through six a day I might be able to complete my queue in two months more or less." He paused for a moment and then added "...Assuming I make it that far."
Hutchins explains he has been bumping discs to the top of the queue that are of special interest. "I just finished watching The Best of Saturday Night Live: Tom Hanks. I don't normally think of Tom Hanks as a comedian but I was pretty impressed the fact that he is not only willing to spoof his own films but portray inimitable characters as well."
Hutchins admits he expects to run into difficulty somewhere around the halfway point. "I added a lot of titles impulsively that I don't really have any interest in watching anymore. After reading Steve Martin's autobiography "Born Standing Up" I added the first two seasons of "The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour", a show which Martin appeared on both as a writer and performer. I didn't realize this was a 6 disc set containing 20 episodes. It's really hard to sit through this but it's something I promised myself I'd finish." Hutchins added, "Sonny&Cher were a musical act, they had no business doing an hour of comedy."
"He should be spending his final months with his grandchildren, his family, his loved ones..." said Nurse Sandy McNair, "Not watching Mannequin 2: On the Move"
"When can I go in there?" exclaimed 16 year-old grandson Dennis Hutchins as he stood outside room 216 at St. Joseph's Hospital Center on Monday. "Only when he's sleeping." Hutchins has timed his sleeping schedule to match those of hospital visiting hours. This unique plan allows friends and family can visit him at a time that won't interrupt his movie watching. "He really seems to have a system all figured out" said hospital mailroom employee Howie Novak as he picked up a stack of Netflix envelopes ready to be sent back.
"What's the final movie in your queue?" reporters asked. "It's an 80's movie called "Getting It On!" Hutchins says. "It's about a peeping tom who takes his obsession to the next level when he starts a voyeuristic video production company." Hutchins becomes very emotional as he describes the racy sex romp to reporters. "This whole matter becomes complicated when a school principal catches wind of the operation and threatens to ruin their fun" Hutchins paused for a moment to shed a tear, "This will be the final movie I watch before I die."
SOAK THRILL WATER PARK OPENS THIS WEEK WITH A BIG SPLASH
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
FLINTRIDGE, California -- Southern California's most exciting water park, Soak Thrill opened its doors this weekend for the 2009 Summer Season as over 300 families lined up to be among the first to enter the park.
Partly cloudy skies and an afternoon temperature in the upper 70's made Saturday mornings opening a little chilly, but that did not stop the Cole family of La Crescenta, California. Associate press reporter Miles Fenwick interviewed the family of four shortly after passing through the parks north entry gate.
"We come here every year, it's a family tradition" said father Henry Cole as he smiled, who along with his wife Margaret and their children Timothy and Sandra rented out lockers and prepared for a day of fun in the sun.
"They have the best water slides here and that's why my dad always takes us" exclaimed 13-year-old Sandra, "Going to the beach is exciting, but I like this better."
"My favorite slide the Diablo's Fury because you go real fast" said 6-year-old Timothy Cole. "More than 2,500 gallons of recirculated water are pumped through this ride per minute, it's so rad."
Reporter Miles Fenwick laughed and replied "Wow, how did you know all that?"
"I've been on it a bunch of times, another ride I go on a lot is Alligator's Den, it's not as fast 'cause you're in a two-person inner tube and you shoot down a 45-foot-drop through a fully enclosed flume right before you spin around in a 35 foot bowl."
"I'm impressed that kid knew all those specs" admitted 24-year old park employee Joel Ferguson. "I've been working here at Soak Thrill for three years I didn't even know any of that stuff.. that's pretty cool."
"What ride will you be going on first today?" our reporter asked the well informed 6-year old.
"Typhoon's Fury" Timothy replied, "Because it's awesome! It's like 600-feet-long and it plunges a four-man raft into total darkness through a 108-inch-diameter tunnel and down a 60-foot drop at 30 miles per hour while 2,000 of gallons of water are pushing you through the enclosed rapids. They just don't make water slides like this anymore 'cause not everyone thinks they're 100% safe but my dad still lets me go on it."
When our reported asked 6-year-old Timothy to explain what he had meant he continued in greater detail, "Well, on December 18th, 2008 when the California Graeme Baker Pool and Spa Safety Act went into effect it required VGB Compliant Pool Drain Grates. Luckily, Soak Thrill Parks seem to be VGB Compliant but in some applications these grates have a raised profile off the floor."
"Where the f&#k did this six year old kid get that kind of information?" park owner and CEO of Soak Thrill Rod Turner replied. "At first we thought it was cute that this kid knew so many of the technical specifications of our different rides" Turner went on.... "However at this point it has come to our attention that the boy has been made privy to very specific code and safety standards that have never been released to the general public."
"This kid's pretty accurate, all of our raised grates have a red circle highlighting their location." said Soak Thrill Park senior engineer, 62-year-old Philip Daskaloff. "They are designed to be stepped on but in shallow water situations they may pose a tripping hazard."
At approximately 1:35pm Saturday afternoon park CEO Rod Turner, senior engineer Philip Daskaloff, as well as park employees, associate engineers, developers, and spectators stood around the boy and his family completely baffled about how the boy was accessing this information.
"I demand answers" exclaimed Flintridge governor Curtis Morris. "If this is somebody's idea of a joke it's not a very funny one." Associate news reporters berated the boys father. "Mr. Cole, are you responsible for your son gaining access to this information?" "What are you talking about?" Mr. Cole responded, "I don't have any son,"
At that moment the crowd, news reporters, and a few dozen spectators turned around to find that 6-year-old Timothy Cole had completely disappeared. "He was just standing right there!" said governor Curtis Morris. Park guests looked up into the sky and saw an image of the boy dissolving into the Crescenta valley sunlight. "There he goes, that takes care of that problem." Soak Thrill CEO Rod Turner exclaimed, "Now everybody get back to work."
by Doug Anthony Jones
Funnyordie.com Blogger
FLINTRIDGE, California -- Southern California's most exciting water park, Soak Thrill opened its doors this weekend for the 2009 Summer Season as over 300 families lined up to be among the first to enter the park.
Partly cloudy skies and an afternoon temperature in the upper 70's made Saturday mornings opening a little chilly, but that did not stop the Cole family of La Crescenta, California. Associate press reporter Miles Fenwick interviewed the family of four shortly after passing through the parks north entry gate.
"We come here every year, it's a family tradition" said father Henry Cole as he smiled, who along with his wife Margaret and their children Timothy and Sandra rented out lockers and prepared for a day of fun in the sun.
"They have the best water slides here and that's why my dad always takes us" exclaimed 13-year-old Sandra, "Going to the beach is exciting, but I like this better."
"My favorite slide the Diablo's Fury because you go real fast" said 6-year-old Timothy Cole. "More than 2,500 gallons of recirculated water are pumped through this ride per minute, it's so rad."
Reporter Miles Fenwick laughed and replied "Wow, how did you know all that?"
"I've been on it a bunch of times, another ride I go on a lot is Alligator's Den, it's not as fast 'cause you're in a two-person inner tube and you shoot down a 45-foot-drop through a fully enclosed flume right before you spin around in a 35 foot bowl."
"I'm impressed that kid knew all those specs" admitted 24-year old park employee Joel Ferguson. "I've been working here at Soak Thrill for three years I didn't even know any of that stuff.. that's pretty cool."
"What ride will you be going on first today?" our reporter asked the well informed 6-year old.
"Typhoon's Fury" Timothy replied, "Because it's awesome! It's like 600-feet-long and it plunges a four-man raft into total darkness through a 108-inch-diameter tunnel and down a 60-foot drop at 30 miles per hour while 2,000 of gallons of water are pushing you through the enclosed rapids. They just don't make water slides like this anymore 'cause not everyone thinks they're 100% safe but my dad still lets me go on it."
When our reported asked 6-year-old Timothy to explain what he had meant he continued in greater detail, "Well, on December 18th, 2008 when the California Graeme Baker Pool and Spa Safety Act went into effect it required VGB Compliant Pool Drain Grates. Luckily, Soak Thrill Parks seem to be VGB Compliant but in some applications these grates have a raised profile off the floor."
"Where the f&#k did this six year old kid get that kind of information?" park owner and CEO of Soak Thrill Rod Turner replied. "At first we thought it was cute that this kid knew so many of the technical specifications of our different rides" Turner went on.... "However at this point it has come to our attention that the boy has been made privy to very specific code and safety standards that have never been released to the general public."
"This kid's pretty accurate, all of our raised grates have a red circle highlighting their location." said Soak Thrill Park senior engineer, 62-year-old Philip Daskaloff. "They are designed to be stepped on but in shallow water situations they may pose a tripping hazard."
At approximately 1:35pm Saturday afternoon park CEO Rod Turner, senior engineer Philip Daskaloff, as well as park employees, associate engineers, developers, and spectators stood around the boy and his family completely baffled about how the boy was accessing this information.
"I demand answers" exclaimed Flintridge governor Curtis Morris. "If this is somebody's idea of a joke it's not a very funny one." Associate news reporters berated the boys father. "Mr. Cole, are you responsible for your son gaining access to this information?" "What are you talking about?" Mr. Cole responded, "I don't have any son,"
At that moment the crowd, news reporters, and a few dozen spectators turned around to find that 6-year-old Timothy Cole had completely disappeared. "He was just standing right there!" said governor Curtis Morris. Park guests looked up into the sky and saw an image of the boy dissolving into the Crescenta valley sunlight. "There he goes, that takes care of that problem." Soak Thrill CEO Rod Turner exclaimed, "Now everybody get back to work."
