DerekReleford DerekReleford


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Derek Releford is a tool bag. He started out wanking periodically throughout the late 90's. He bounced around the mid west for the first few years of adolescence. Living on other peoples couches he often had to perform crude sexual acts on himself to make ends meat. It wasn't until a chance meeting with John Stamos in early 2004 when he became the giant tool bag that he is today. Derek Releford Lives in the beautiful state of North Carolina. He is married and has zero children. He recently got a puppy and spends his weekends fallowing said dog around the apartment complex with a plastic bag. Derek Releford is a well known American activist, mostly from his work with retards. Derek Releford hates all of his friends and hopes to eventually be able to stop hanging around them. Early life- Born on Febuary 7, 1983 his mother did what any other woman who didnt want a child would do. Opted for an abortion. Legend has it, right before the doctor stuck the vaccume in the cooter Derek Releford let out a angelic coo that inspired the entire hospital to stop drinking. In a last ditch effort to not have to suck a fetus through a tube the good Doctor informed the unwed mother of Nashville. He explained the importance of keeping kids that are marginally talented for exploitational purposes. Derek's mother decided to keep him, but only long enough to make a "cool million" then off the the vacume he would go. When Derek was 5 he was viciously attacked by a large k-9 that was owned by the family. The police report stated that "the kid had it coming, I mean he had pork chops tied around his fucking neck, It's just bad parenting" The attack left Releford scarred emotionally and all over his face, arms, neck, stomach, back, torso, abdomen, genitals, legs, ankles, feet and hair. The dog was later euthenized after he barked at a white kid. Releford entered middle school in early 1996. He was an avid Garth Brooks fan and was often found in his room singing away on the family kareeokee machine to early Garth recordings. This continued until his father walked in on him trying to butt fuck one of those little cocoon looking toys. His father (a drinker) placed a wrench and a belt on the table and made Releford choose. Derek chose the wrench because he is a fucking moron. Everyone knows that when faced with a decision that in any way resembles this, always pick the belt. Wrenches are made of heavy metal. Releford had many friends in high school. He fingered all the best looking girls in school. He humped like 3 girls and they werent even drunk. Releford went on to attend the Michigan school of trucking. He wanted to get out of his small minded small town. He wanted to see the world. He wanted to deliver truck parts all over the country. He spent 14 years driving around the country. Taking mini thins, "hookin up" with lot lizards in his spacious cab, boring holes in his nasal pathways with cocaine. Death- Releford tragically drowned in early 2004. He and a few friends were out on a jet ski pretending to be the jamaican bob sled team. (they made a movie about it, black dudes on a bob sled? you beleive that?) Releford was riding bitch when the craft hit a massive 2 foot tall swell. Releford was ejected and he landed on a boat motor that had been raised out of the water. He was chopped into a shit load of peices. He died 6 days later.