So, hey, it’s us. Listen, we both feel like we have really gotten to know you here at Funny or Die.  I mean, we just made you that mix, and there are some pretty romantic undertones to it. We’re not stupid or anything, we knew what we were doing. There was some clear chemistry there.  This has actually been nice. It’s not everyday that we let our guard down and meet some sweet, down to earth, normal, *cute people. Yeah, that’s right. Cute. We are attracted to you! We really thought this was going somewhere.

And then we saw your Facebook page.

Oh no.

Oh dear god no.

Your Facebook page is a veritable clearance sale of Dealbreakers. Everything must go! Examples:
 
Pictures:  You wearing cargo pants (taken after 2002)!
Interests: Cosplay!
Favorite music: whatever’s on the radio!
Status update: “It’s thirsty Thursday and I’m getting crunk!”
Recently joined groups: Thank God For Prop 8! I’m A ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ Girl! Paul Blart For President!
Fav. Quote: "Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”

What. The. Fuck. I mean, we could have seen the warning signs, but you were just so charming. You really disarmed us, and we didn’t count on your online presence boasting such a conucopia of terrible. We don’t want to beat a dead horse, but that shit was like an all you can eat buffet of Suck. So, Mr./Mrs. “Autopsy is My Favorite Show” (we didn’t even know that show was still on), consider this our graceful exit from your life. We had a fun week blogging for you, and feel free to read our website, DEALBREAKER, at any time, but kindly forget that we drunkenly gave you our phone number, and that we said, “I never do this.” Because it’s true, we never do. And this is why.

Goodbye forever. Call us maybe? Look, we’re confused.

Love (*like? ugh, this is stupid),
Dave&Marisa

We love you.

We made you this mix. Don't think too much of it. This doesn't mean we're going to make out with you now. I mean, we might, but don't hold your breath.

(SIDE A) his:

1. britt daniel - let the distance bring us together / 2. french kicks - knee high / 3. shelby sifers - are you devo (the spirituals remix) / 4. celebration - evergreen / 5. rogue wave - medicine ball / 6. tv on the radio - new health rock / 7. the strokes&regina spektor - modern girls and old fashioned men / 8. yo la tengo - little eyes / 9. beirut - elephant gun

(SIDE B) hers:

10. castledoor - dumpster diving / 11. m. ward ft. zooey deschanel - never had nobody like you / 12. matt & kim - good ol' fashioned nightmare / 13. her space holiday - sleepy tigers / 14. mellowdrone - orange marmelade / 15. a.a. bondy - no man shall / 16. iron & wine - love vigilantes / 17. slow club - thinking, drinking, sinking, feeling / 18. clem snide - i'll be your mirror (velvet underground cover)

download here: http://www.mediafire.com/?1tjl5yzjz5z

Hello Friends!  It's me, Marisa!  Dave is off scoping out chicks at the local arcade, leaving ME to my own blogging devices!  What could I possibly write about other than BOYS?  Like most 22 (14) year-old girls, I listen to a lot of top 40 radio.  As a result, I have found myself falling head-over-heels in love with rap superstars and their sexy, decadent lifestyles.  I'll admit this is a departure from my normal "type" (wispy in stature, hairstyle, and wallet) so I am still learning a lot about this kind of courtship.  I tagged a couple songs on Shazam (seriously guys, best iphone application) and responded to the love letters that pulse through my car speakers between 10:00am and 10:30am on my morning commute.

 

“I feel you creepin', I can see you from my shadow. 
Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo. 
Maybe go to my place and just kick it, like Taebo. 
And possibly bend you over.”

 -Akon ft. Eminem, ‘Smack That’

 

Dear Akon,

Thank you for your politeness.  To be honest, I feel like I’m not alone in feeling such a suggestion warrants at least a dinner.  That being said, bending me over is still a possibility.  Or maybe we will have sex on a bed?  No bending required!  Anyway, we’ll see how the evening goes!  

Optimisic,

Marisa

P.S. I love Taebo!

"Sexy can I, visit you at work 
When you sliding down the pole, 
no panties, no shirt....
How you make that booty talk,
Baby, damn you is the shit "

-Ray J, 'Sexy Can I'

Ray J!

Of course you can visit me at work.  My cubicle is the one by the microwave (follow the smell of hot pockets) with a baby deer desktop on the computer.  Also, the only thing this booty says is "These jeans are tight!  Stop drinking milkshakes!"  

Love, Me

"Shawty you the hottest, love the way you drop it
Brain's so good, I s'pose you went to college
$100k deposit, vacations in the tropics
Everybody know it ain't trickin' if ya got it"

- T.I., 'Whatever You Like'

T.I.,

Thank you for the compliments!  I dropped out of community college after a year and a half and have always been self-conscious about it.  Also, It's so nice to hear chivalry isn't dead!  

P.S. What are rims?

Shawty

"You Got Me So Hypnotized
The Way Your Body Rollin Round And Round
That Booty Keep Bumping, Titties Just Bouncin Up And Down"

-Plies ft. Akon, 'Hypnotized'

Dear Plies,

I once saw a hypnotist show with my family in at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.  My favorite part was seeing the audience volunteers act like Frankenstein!  

Should be wearing a more supportive brassiere,

Marisa

"Talk to me, I talk back 
Let's talk money, I talk that 
Crunk juice bombs, Oakley shades 
Shawty got class, oh behave"

-T-Pain ft. Yung Joc, 'Buy You a Drank'

Wait... Oakley shades?  You mean... these??

Nevermind.  This isn't going to work out.  

Hi Funny or Die, it’s me, Dave. While Marisa’s off daydreaming about Zac Efron or painting her toenails to look like Zac Efron or whatever it is that she does, I thought I’d take a minute to lay something out on the table: movies are out to turn young love into a fantasy world where all girls wear knee socks and everything is precious and twee and perfect and spelled out in an adorable faux-handwriting font.  

Fellas: I’ve got some bad news for you. The adorable female lead from your favorite quirky movie would be an obnoxious maniac if she were a real person. I swear, if I have to see one more movie where Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel play delicate little quirkmuffins, I’ll probably enjoy it, buy the DVD, and start a Facebook group about it. BUT THEN I would realize that those girls don’t exist in reality, and their closest real world approximations are usually total basket cases with daddy issues and a purse full of meds. Allow me to break the illusion for you and show you how shit would go down, real world vs. movie world.

Movie World: Super cute quirky girl (SCQG) puts headphones on you and plays you a song that melts your little heart.
Real World: You’ve already heard the song, and you pretend to be impressed. However, she can see through it and gives you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

Movie World: SCQG tells you that you two are going for a ride. When you ask her where you’re going, she puts a blindfold on you and says, “it’s a secret.” Then the two of you sneak into the natural history museum after hours and make out in the dinosaur room.
Real World: The secret place she takes you to is her coke dealer’s house, and he makes you watch mildly pornographic movies where women fight each other.

Movie World: Cute girl invites you over to make a pillow fort. You two spend the evening eating s’mores under blankets and playing records, and then she dares you to kiss her!
Real World: Same scenario, but replace all the fun stuff with: the pillow fort reminds her of a traumatic childhood experience that she refuses to explain. You spend the rest of the night asking her, “What’s wrong,” and offering her tissues.

Movie World: After an intense shared experience, super cute quirky girl cuts all of her hair off in an adorable pixie cut and begins speaking with a british accent because she's "starting over."
Real World: After chasing xanax and vicodin with a bottle of red wine, she shaves her head unevenly and passes out at your cousin's wedding.

Movie World: Your artsy, adorable crush constructs a scavenger hunt for you with step by step instructions. You have to take a picture of a smiling baby, find a cloud that looks like a sleeping lion, and release 5 balloons into the air. The final step of the scavenger hunt takes you to a rooftop, where she got your favorite indie band plays a private concert for the two of you.
Real World: She kills herself.

There it is guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie. Yay!

SO, Dave and I were rooting around in your apartment (you DID give us a key, so, it's not weird, it's like, whatever. You're making a big deal out of nothing), and it turns out you're living inside of a dealbreaker. Dude, this can't continue. We didn't throw anything out, but we've marked the offending items with red post-it notes. Consider yourself warned. 

1. Your Kissing Lesbians Poster

You've been out of college for five years.  This might have gotten you through some boner-emergencies in 2003 but it's time to cancel your account with allposters.com and grow the fuck up.  

2. Your Bro Fridge.

I can totally understand being 19 and living in your first apartment.  Of course you're not accustomed to buying groceries and cooking for yourself. It's totally understandable that the only items in your fridge would be a jar of mayonnaise, some cookie dough, and an extra large Taco Bell cup from 3 days ago. But you're not 19, you're 27 years old and you have your own office. You've had 8 years to learn how to boil water. You lose. 

3. Your Naked Lightbulb.

I'm not saying you need to drape a scarf over a lamp or anything (not like it would kill you), but the lighting situation in your bedroom has transformed the mood from sexy to rape dungeon in about 5 seconds.  I feel uncomfortable being in here without a safe word.  I swear if you murder us in this single apartment, our legion of equally snarky friends will avenge our death. 

4. Your Dreamcatcher.

I'll admit that I kind of like the whole "Mcconaughey vibe" you've got going for you (you're lucky "Dazed and Confused" is my favorite movie).  But, when you're making out with a girl on your mattress (on the floor), make sure she doesn't look up.  Unless, of course, your dream is having your number deleted from her phone.  If it is, your dreamcatcher worked.

5. Your Miller Lite Tapestries.

These aren't curtains.

An exclusive interview with Dave and Marisa, by Dave and Marisa, via Gchat.

Dave:  Hi Marisa
Marisa:  HI DAVE!!!
Dave:  We are blogging for Funny or Die this week, huh?
Marisa:  Yes!  We made it!
Dave: Finally, I can retire! I'm going to buy that boat that you're supposed to buy when you retire.
Marisa:  We can sail on a sea of cash and steaks!
Dave:  So I guess my rent just gets automatically paid? Is that how it works?
Marisa:  Yeah, I think they directly deposit those benjamins right into your account. Or maybe they directly deposit them to the boat store
Dave:  Okay, I'll make a trip to the boat store tomorrow. in the meantime, let's blog!
Marisa:  you're right.
Dave:  We have a regular blog, do we not?
Marisa:  we do! Dealbreaker!
Dave:  If the average Funny or Die visitor wanted to read it, where would they go?
Marisa:  Surf the web right on over to www.dealbreaker.tumblr.com! So, let’s get real.  Why did we make this blog?
Dave:  I'd like to think that we created Dealbreaker as a direct response to some of the dating disasters we've experienced as young Hollywood royalty. Right?
Marisa:  Exactly. OH! Did I tell you about the guy with the eggs?
Dave: No?
Marisa:  We met for a morning date, which is already weird.
Dave:  oh yeah, too bright.
Marisa:  yeah, not sexy. So he orders fried eggs (real runny yolk), sausage and pancakes.
Dave: Sounds great?
Marisa: NO! This JERK puts his runny-yolked fried egg on top of his syruped pancakes and pierces the yolk so those perfect pancakes are left soaking up disgusting yolky fried egg yolk. I had to watch him eat like a pig for thirty minutes.
Dave:  I mean...that's pretty gross.
Marisa:  I can't watch a husband eat eggy pancakes for the next 50 years!
Dave:  i dated a girl who lived under her bed.
Marisa:  a monster!??!
Dave: She lofted it and sat under there with some scarves and rugs and an old lamp.
And lots of old dusty books. And weed. LOTS of weed.
Marisa:  sounds like a sexy gypsy
Dave: You could say she was the original witchy woman (if Stevie Nicks never existed).
Dave: Either way, I think we can both agree, we've dated some duds.
Marisa:  True. But, does this mean we are too judgmental to find happiness?
 Dave:  It means we will sit in eternal blog judgment. OR it means that we'll get a lucrative book deal and get rich! And then, we'll be able to afford some sweet arm candy.
Marisa:  Toblerones are my favorite candy.
Dave:  I like Whoppers.
Marisa:  I want the man equivalent of a Toblerone. Prince Harry?
Dave:  Oh. I'm just going to date a box of Whoppers. I guess I don’t understand my own metaphor.
 Marisa:  at least you know she will PUT OUT (you can eat candy).
 Dave:  Yeah, I’ll treat myself. I deserve it.
 Marisa:  Speaking of treating ourselves, I am going to go get ice cream.
 Dave:  Oh, okay!
 Marisa: All eligible bachelors please report to Scoops at Melrose and Heliotrope in Los Angeles, CA!
Dave: Sounds great! 
Marisa: Is there anything we missed? Anything we should talk about?
Dave: Um, I have a question.
Marisa: Shoot.
Dave: how is it being a girl? That must be exhausting.
Marisa:  Being a girl is a nightmare
Dave:  I knew it!
Marisa:  You have to come up with clever outfits all the time.
Dave:  oh yeah that would drive me insane. Like, sweaters? And, Makeup?
Marisa:  yeah, those! Sweaters, makeup, hairstyles.
Dave:  ugh so confusing
Marisa:  nail polish, eyebrows, leg shaving, exfoliating, waxing, lotions.
Dave:  So, it's like, “does my sweater match my makeup?”
Marisa:  Exactly. Does my lotion match my eyebrows?
Dave:  "I'll be right down, Bobby, I'm just putting on some argyle lipstick."
Marisa:  Yes! That’s why I am always late!
Dave:  i knew it! That's why Bobby broke up with you
Marisa:  Bobby was a dick. Is it hard to be a boy?
Dave:  it's so hard. You have no idea. I am required to eat so much chunky soup, and it usually gets in the way of all the football sports I have to play. Factor in playing in the mud, and I've got a full schedule!
Dave: Also, killing spiders and sitting in a recliner.
Marisa:  sitting in a recliner?? Just sitting?
Dave:  well, in my house, it's called the bro-zone.
Dave: "If you need me, I'll be in the Bro-zone" (it has a cupholder)
Marisa:  Ugh. You are a dealbreaker
Dave:  you're the one who wears argyle lipstick
Dave: YOU are the dealbreaker.
Marisa: and together, WE ARE DEALBREAKER!

Goodnight, folks! See you tomorrow.