Since this is my last post, I thought I’d pose some really important questions that have been taxing my brain as of late. Why must these mysteries haunt me so?!!!

-Why will they only let Ron Pearlman play monsters? Yeah, he’s kind of fucked up and crazy looking, but so is Tori Spelling and they don’t make her put on a lion mane.

-Do hot jailbait girls really wear long socks with their bathing suits? I know American Apparel thinks they do, but It seems highly weather inappropriate for a hot day at the beach.

-What is Lil’ Mama actually saying when she judges “America’s Best Dance Crew?” She uses phrases like “Doin’ your biz” and “it’s poppin” and “Shorty’s got the goodz” but I still can’t make out one complete sentence. Maybe she’s using some sort of weird language that, like those new cell phone rings, no one over eighteen can hear.

 -Can anyone tell Brooke and Linda Hogan apart? 

They both have Barbie hair, they're both made of leather, and they’ve both had their asses rubbed by the Hulk. 

Which one is the mom?

-Does Audrina from The Hills eyes open any wider? Maybe she’s super tired or her eyelids are really fat so she can’t lift them, but it’s hard to tell when she’s surprised or sleeping, so I’d really like to know.

-How is Amy Winehouse still alive? She’s done ten times her weight in crack and her body is so toxic that her face is literally starting to eat itself. Also- what’s her favorite color?

If you know the answers to any of these quandaries, please let me know, maybe then I can finally get some sleep.

I am so bored because all my friends are away for the summer, and by my friends I mean Hiro Nakamura ,Gossip Girl, Hurley, and that chubby kid from two and half men. The only thing that seems to be on lately are reruns of Law and Order. I watch them all; regular Law and Order, Law and Order: Criminal Intent and even Law and Order: Rape. At this point I’ve seen almost every episode like a million times and I’ve noticed that Law and Order rules are also life rules. Here are some of the little nuggets of world wisdom I’ve acquired from the Tao of Dick Wolf.

1) If someone gets brutally murdered, you should make a joke or pun to lighten the mood. For instance, after a woman was pushed on the subway tracks and then violently run over, Jerry Orbach quipped, “Looks like the lady caught her train”. Oh Jerry, that’s funny ‘cause it’s true. I will try that same technique at my grandmother’s funeral, she just died of cancer, what rhymes with melanoma?

2) You can only be an assistant district attorney if you’re a smokin’ hot babe. It’s true. Jack McCoy has been through at least seven ADA’s and they’re all masturbatingly gorgeous. Sorry frumpy Harvard girl with your brilliant analytical mind and your Jew fro. How are you going to fill out a subpoena if you can’t fill out a tight top?

3) If you’re ever questioned by the police, no matter what, act annoyed. How dare they bother you at work? You are a very important barista (or salesperson, construction worker, prostitute) and even though someone you know was raped and stabbed last night, that is no reason to stop what you are doing or even show any concern.

4) If your dog runs after something in a park, an alley, or an apartment who’s front door is slightly ajar, he will definitely lead you to a dead body. You might think it’s going to be a squirrel, or a ball, or your neighbors cat, but you’ll be wrong, it’s going to be your neighbors’ cold, dead corpse.

Up Tomorrow- what “Small Wonder” taught me about love.

I recently saw the homeless guy that lives in my neighborhood park working out at my gym. Well, technically he’s not homeless as he lives in his car, but I was still surprised to see him next to me on the Precor machine at Ballys. I always thought Bally Fitness was like the poor man’s CRUNCH, now I realize it’s the homeless man’s CRUNCH.

I hate going to the gym. I only go so that I can continue to eat my balanced diet of Mint Milanos, circus peanuts and Bugles. My friend John Bowie says that I eat like I’m always at an eight year old’s birthday party, well I say to him “Fuck you John Bowie, you don’t know me!! Now where is my piñata full of candy dinner?!”

It’s not that I don’t like vegetables; I’d just like them more if they were made out of bread and/or chocolate. However, I’m trying to eat healthier as I get older because I heard heart disease is the one of the leading killers of women (second only to being murdered by your husband). I now eat spinach…if it’s covered in sauce or cheese, and I almost ate broccoli once, but my body rejected all that iron and health.

Even though I eat terribly, I still think it’s important to stay in shape, because although I might be rotting on the inside, I want to look cute and stylish on the outside. That’s why I go to the gym so much and hopefully by the end of the summer I can fit into my “goal size" swimsuit. Here it is below-

Wish me luck!!!

It’s almost here!! It’s almost here!!!! No, I’m not talking about my period, ‘cause I ain’t seen that shit in like three months, I mean the summer Olympics. I LOOOVE the summer Olympics! Oh, and when I say the summer Olympics I’m obviously just talking about women’s gymnastics, because I only like sports that involve dance and sparkly outfits.

I love watching tiny little girls with huge eating disorders prance around and tumble through the air, defying the laws of gravity and child endangerment. When I was a kid I always dreamed of being an Olympic gymnast- but then I realized I was an awkward Jewess with mild scoliosis and a fear of trying, so that dream died. Sometimes I wish that it were me and not that little bitch Kerri Strug that Bella Karolyi had to lift into his arms and carry to the medal stand.

One time I got food poisoning and I was so weak from crapping, my boyfriend had to carry me to the bathroom, I’d like to think that it was a comparable experience.

I really hope our gymnastics team brings home the gold this year in China, but I have my fears. We might be good, but those Chinese gymnasts are hardcore. They don’t fuck around over there, they start training them very young-

(note to self- make my toddler do more crunches)

While I’m on the subject of strapping young boys, did anyone see the Nadal/Federer match the other day? I didn’t, but I’m taking a class on how to engage in small talk so I thought I’d try it out on you guys with that question. How’d I do?

Hey Everyone, my name is Danielle Schneider and I’m going to be exposing myself to you this week. No, I’m not going to get physically naked, I’m going to get emotionally naked and bare my heart and soul to all of you. By the way, my soul has huge jugs.

A little bit about me, I live in Los Angeles, the Valley to be specific. When I first moved out here I was told by a friend/asshole not to tell people I lived in the Valley because others would immediately feel sorry for me and not want to be my friend. He said I should hide my shameful 818 area code and replace it with a clean and more palatable 323 or 310. I felt like a Jew in the 1950’s who had to hide their heritage and their last name in order to play football at a prestigious prep school and win the girl of my dreams. I should mention that I get most of my historical knowledge from the 1992 film “School Ties” starring a very young Matt Damon and a very unjewish looking Brendan Fraser.

 For those of you who don’t live in Los Angeles, the Valley gets such a bad reputation because it produces lots of pollution and pornography. That’s my hood folks, if you’ve ever seen a porno; you’ve probably seen me walking my dog in the background. I’ll try to wave next time.

 Speaking of porn, I’m almost positive I was standing in line with a porn star at my Starbucks this morning. Us Magazine is right, stars ARE just like us, they get coffee and everything. I think she was a porn star because she had the biggest, hardest boobs I have ever seen. If I got in a fistfight with her boobs, I think her boobs would’ve won. She also had those long fake bejeweled nails, collagen filled glossy lips and hair so thick and lustrous you know it’s seen its share of protein.  Anyway, she was definitely a disgusting porn star….either that or she’s just an amazingly hot woman and I’m just jealous because next to her I look like a pre-pubescent boy.

See you tomorrow!!