What does it mean to me to be an Asshole? I think it was put best by a friend of mine during a car ride. You have two kinds of Assholes in this world. Those who are assholes and know it, and those who are asshole and don't know it. But I am a special kind of asshole, walking the fine line of assholiness between ignorance and bliss. The literal daywalker of assholes. You smell that? It's asshole. That odd to place taste in your mouth? Once again asshole. Once your done reading, you will begin to experience the symptoms of Phantom asshole. Don't let the fancy last name fool you. As a child I once asked my father, "Dad, are we related to the famous Kennedys?" To which he responded, "Sorry son, just horse thieves." To which I asked, "Famous Horse Thieves?" To which he responded, "Can we please do this when I am not taking a shit? Huh little buddy? Is it too much to ask to drop a deuce in private?" Priceless information, Dad was always about keeping it real, except when it came to advise or facts. My father once said he was going to take me to Disneyland when I was about 4 or 5, and instead drove me by a huge structure fire he saw on the news. With a priceless look of genuine sadness on his face, he said, "Sorry son, looks like Disneyland burned down. I guess we are going to have to take you to the dentist today like we originally planned, but hey, I promise it will be just as exciting." Who could blame him really? I needed to go to the Dentist and the first time I got to go to Disneyland I was excited as shit that they rebuilt so quick, and he got his when he was young. As a child my dad never saw the Ocean till he way about the same age. With awe and excitement, he watched the waves crash upon the shore as my aunt leaned down to whisper in his ear... "You see that? You see how the water is all bubbly? It's because it taste just like soda pop, go get yourself a big drink little fella." Without hesitation he leaned down and got a big gulp, and he has been drinking the shit ever since. He says it, "Makes me Mean!" Got to love Dad. Especially his million dollar ideas. Like the time I wanted to buy a hairless cat. "That's CHEATING," he would say, "If you want a hairless cat, I will buy you some clippers so you can make one the working mans way, and I am not helping, but I'll watch" You think Cats hate water? Try getting anywhere near them with something that buzzes really loud when it touches them.That year I gave fluffy a Mohawk and she gave me a tattoo of what I believe is the prince symbol. That is a talented fucking cat.