For my last and final blog, I decided it might be fun to simply throw the goddamn kitchen sink at you for today’s entry. A potpourri of tidbits that have NOTHING to do with one another.  Why?  Because it’s fun!  I also had no concrete ideas left.

MUSINGS by Casey Wilson

GO AND SEE:
“Freak Dance-The Forbidden Dirty Boogaloo” at the UCB tonight at 8pm.  It’s written by Matt Besser and directed by Lindsay Hendrickson.  It’s a musical extravaganza and it is fucking hilarious.  Upon seeing it, Drew Droege became my personal hero.  Angela Trimbur is out of control.  The whole thing just ‘aint right.  It closes tonight. www.ucbt.net for tix. Here is the blurb:
“More sex than Flashdance. More drama than Footloose. More danger than The Lambada. More dance fighting than You Got Served. More pretentiousness than Save the Last Dance...

Welcome to the streets where dancing is the dream of every street kid. Freak Dance is the story of how dancers from different worlds come together to save Fantaseez Dance Center from the long arm of the city building inspector, the evil rival dance studio, and power of the Forbidden Dirty Boogaloo.”

CAN’T WAIT:
To see “Sex and the City” tonight with my friend Lindy.  We will be at universal City Walk at 9:10 if anyone is in.  Lindy asked that we “dress it up a little” to show our respect.  I readily agreed.  We are going to celebrate “Foot Fist Way,” the hilarious Danny McBride hilarious at UCB after.  Side bar, I was saddened I wasn’t made into a cartoon for the Funnyordie home page and given a bubble extolling “Foot Fist Way” with the Will Ferrell and the Ben Stiller.  My bubble would have said, “If this movie was under a table, I’d play ‘FOOT’sie with it!!”  Take that FunnyorDie. 

MOST FUN I’VE HAD RECENTLY:
Went to Marix with some good friends and we downed some margaroos and they didn’t start “talking” thank God  (We have taken to saying your margarita “talks,” when, after you’ve had a couple, the tequila makes you say things you can’t take back.  Things turn very sour very quickly and people go to a dark place.  When someone’s margaroo starts talking I can usually be found crying in a corner sucking my thumb.)  Last night however, instead of talking, the margaroos provided a fun jumping off point. suggested we play a rousing speed round of “Never Have I Ever.”  Don’t judge.  Now our friends have all known each other for years, but last night we got IN there. People have peed on others and been peed on.  It was a revelatory, joyous night.

QUESTION?
Is it wrong I took to peeing in a Venti clear plastic Starbucks cup in my car during the writers strike?  We were picketing and there was just never a convenient bathroom.  Fine, I guess there was, but I am super lazy and to me it just seemed like, well guy pee in bottles and stuff.  I probably shouldn’t have done it whilst parked in a residential area.  Nor should I have wiped myself with a beach towel that I would then throw in the backseat and forget about…but we all have to cut corners for this life to keep on rollin.’

GOSSIP:
Does anyone have any gossip they would like to share on the comments section?   Come on.  Do this blog for me!

SHOUT OUT:
Hey dad!  My dad is named Paul Wilson.  My friends call him Mr. Paul.  He is a political consultant who lives in Alexandria, Virginia.  He was also my Girl Scout leader until I was a senior in high School.  He is very funny and very nice.  Hi Fletcher!  My brother Fletch is about to graduate from grad school at Stanford for engineering.  I am very proud of him.  He is also funny and nice.  He did recently forget to tell me about his graduation dinner even though he remembered to call and personally invite our dad’s girlfriend, but this is NOT a passive aggressive way to make him feel bad about it.  Not at all.  Hi Joyce!!!  Enjoy Fletcher’s graduation dinner, wish I could be there!! 

JUST WONDERING:
Why did a homeless man on San Vicente and Fairfax throw hot-ish coffee in my face while I was grabbing my wallet from my car?  I’m genuinely wondering because I asked him, “why did you do that?” and he never answered me.

REACH OUT TO ME:
This is the end of our time together and I have really enjoyed getting to know you.  You laugh at my jokes and smile at me as if to say, “Aww, Case.”  You’re very cute and a good listener.  Will you keep in touch with me?  I’d like to offer up my email address.  It’s CaseWilson@gmail.com.  I will accept compliments, love letters, an answer to the above question and insane ramblings I can forward to my friends with the subject line being” check out this crazy: see below.”

I love you,
Casey Rose Wilson

Today I sat down for an in depth interview conducted by my best friend and comedy-partner.  I thought it would be much more personal if a true friend interviewed me.  A friend who knows me better than anyone else.   A friend who would be able to show the world who Casey Wilson really is in the most respectful way possible.

That friend is none other than June Diane Raphael !

My assistant Timone taped our interview and then transcribed it word for word.  Enjoy peeking into my soul!

RAPHAEL ON WILSON


JUNE:  Cathryn Wilson, It's my deep honor and sincere pleasure to be interviewing you today---

CASEY:  You know, June, you can call me by Casey, Cathryn is my given name, but everyone calls me Casey.  You know that…

JUNE:  Oh, sorry.  Right of course.  Let's start over.

Long pause.

JUNE:  Cassandra Wilson, it's my deep honor and sincere pleas---

CASEY:  June, just be normal.   It's Casey.

JUNE:    My bad.   Carrie Bradshaw, I'd love to ask a few questions of you.   Questions I…along with your fans…have been dying to ask.

CASEY:  Ok, shoot.

JUNE:  Cassius Clay, you are a chameleon of stage and screen, you started performing with me at Ye Olde Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and now you are big time, on the Saturday Night Live.   Out of all of the characters and skits you have been a part of, what is your favorite quality that I possess?

CASEY:  I'm sorry?

Long pause.  June appears frustrated.

JUNE:  (this is said slowly as though talking to a retard)  Out of all of the characters you have embodied, what is my prettiest feature.  My eyes?  Legs?  What????

CASEY:  Um, this is supposed to be an interview about me, June.  

JUNE:  Reeer.  (said with an accompanying cat gesture).   I'm just trying to give the people what they want to know.   Fine.   Sheesh, fame has really gotten to you.   Carl Rove, it's my understanding that you were born in October.   Is it your understanding that I look like I could be younger than
25?

CASEY:  What??  You know you look older than…okay I’m not engaging you on questions about you when I asked you to interview ME.  This is about ME for once.

JUNE:  Got it.  Carroll O’Connor, I think your public is wondering when my upcoming movie, “Year One” will hit theatres.

CASEY:  Ok, this is over.   You are insane.

JUNE:  JESUS WOMAN!   OK!  Cat Stevens, you recently admitted at dinner to having been fisted by a gentlman caller.   Did your vagina stretch?

CASEY:  We're done.

JUNE:  Connie Chung!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  DON'T LEAVE!  I LOVE YOU!  And I don't believe any of the rumors about you!

CASEY:  What rumors?

JUNE:  The ones about you going koo-koo bananas without me by your side every second of the day!   Surely you could do without me.  Or could you?  DON’T LEAVE!!!

CASEY:  June I’m not leaving.  This is my house.  YOU need to leave.

JUNE:  Ask me anything and I'll answer it.   I'll bare all, I'll testify on any subject, for you dear friend.

The girls solemnly and ceremoniously switch places on the couch.  The interview restarts.

CASEY:  Jerry O'connell  it's my sincere pleasure and esteemed honor...

THIS HAS BEEN RAPHAEL ON WILSON.

Today I’d like to turn the focus away from me and onto two lovely ladies of the night.  America’s own Dina Lohan and Denise Richards have flung wide their doors and in doing so wrapped up a present with my name on it.  The gals, one more rode hard than the next, god love them, made their reality show debuts last night.  Although I was four Chard’s deep at Birds you can better believe my TIVO was still on the clock.

Ah, Dina.  You truly are ONE TOUGH MOTHER.  As I watched you do your ‘thang I was reminded of a phrase my grandmother often said.  “Casey, a loud laugh denotes a vacant mind.”  Dina, you and me both.

I had the pleasure of meeting Dina Lohan at the” Made of Honor” premiere in New York.



Don’t be jealous!!!  I saw her sassy white pant suit from across the room and I knew what needed to happen.  I begged my friend Whitney who was in the film to take our picture.  Dina very courteously obliged, but juuuust before Whitney took the pic, Dina husky voiced it up in my ear, “You put this on My Space and I’ll fucking kill you.”  I giggled and threw my arm ‘round her as if to say, “good one De De.” She put her arm around me and said simply, “I’m not kidding.”  Whitney took the picture. Dina looks great. I look scared.

I would like to share with the FunnyorDie community an email I received today, word for word, from a very dear friend of mine, one Mr. Matt McConkey.  He shares his immediate thoughts on the World Premiere of Living Lohan.  Have a look:

“Dina Lohan's face is a vagina.  Her mouth is an asshole.  Poor Ali has taken all the wrong cues from Lindsay...so misguided.....she has overlooked any trace of cuteness or style that Lindsay ever had to offer and only picked up on the grizzled, haggard, ashtray qualities.  By the time she's 16 she's going to look like a shriveled vag like Mom and sis. I like that the assistant obviously thinks they're all complete idiots.  And I like that Lindsay won't even appear via speakerphone on the show.  She's got the right idea.”

Ah, Matt.  Thank you for your scorching honesty and for saying what I could not.

Question for the FunnyorDie community:  Can anyone clear up the oddball ad that features Dina and her daughter Ali for me?  It looks to me like Ali is holding up a blush brush to her mom’s face.  Has she just finished or is she starting her mom’s makeup and if so who, what, where, why and when?  I welcome any and all thoughts regarding the goings on in this picture. 

We’ve come to the end, dear reader and here we’ve barely touched on Denise.  Sweet, simple Denise.  Life truly is, so very complicated for you.   Perhaps tomorrow we will be able to unpack Denise.

Today lets take a peek into the message boards of the inter-net. My fans have taken to their keyboards to trumpet my praises!

I’m not famous enough not to eagerly pore through these daily.  I don’t want to jump the gun but these good people want to see more of yours truly.

Me?  I took some time out from doing nothing to respond to them.

RathBandu writes:
The new girl, Casey Wilson, is kind of cute for someone who looks like a female Patton Oswalt.  NYU represent.

Casey responds:
Go Violets!

Tazzytess writes:
When I first saw her, I thought she was Mike Myers (Austin Powers) in drag.  I thought, “Dang, whoever did the make up really did a good job making him look like a girl.

Casey responds:
My makeup artist Souriya will be thrilled to get a mention on the boards.

Ytopp21 writes:
“when they DID have her in for an extended period of time, she ruined it. she over acts by a million miles dammit...gahhh.

Casey responds:
NO. I.  DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Racl 101 writes:
She's a hot chub chick w/ nice juggs! Big f-ing juggs!


Casey responds:
Thank you very much.  What does chub mean?

Mo-130 writes:
I dont know why I zoned out on the stripper sketches, was she the handicapped stripper?? I was bored by that sketch.  Where can I find pics of her cans?

Bobemejor lends a helping hand:
Here ya go! 
http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/5854/agm00777140085jg2.jpg

Casey responds:
Thanks Bobemejor but this is a better one.  Here, I am actually touching my cans.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=112714060

Mr.  Mcpoops writes:
I’d give her the jumpbone.

Casey responds:
Slow down, slow down Mcpoops.  Take a girl to the Ground Round first!!! 

Minsky writes:
I’m losing patience with the New Girl.  It usually takes a while for new cast members to win me over but the New Girl is really starting to annoy.

Diva second’s Minsky:
It speaks volumes that none of us know what her name is yet.

Casey responds:
My name is Casey Wilson.  Please like me.

Uh-oh!  How did my “Funny SNL Sketch Ideas!!” journal find its way onto the Internet?  WHO DID THIS??  Haha!  J.K.  I did!

I wanted everyone to know that while I may not have been in a ton of sketches I sure as shootin’ brought my signature “funny cause it’s true”/dark but with heart/acutely observational/she’s pretty and sometimes makes me laugh/silly but not stupid/bad-ass-she’s got a secret/oh no she didn’t! sensibility to the table my first 8 weeks on SNL. 

I’ll take you through my best pitches, host by host. 
I’ve also included some notes to self. * 

*My pitches didn’t make it to air because they were too edgy.

TINA FEY
I play a wacky OBGYN who fancies herself the “Liz Lemon” of her hospital and ultimately is soooo incredibly wacky, Tina can no longer sit through the exam.  She actually asks to see another doctor.  (Funny site gags with me in between her legs, maybe I do the “pee-eww, what smells?” gesture and fashion it into a visual catchphrase??!!)

ELLEN PAGE
Put your accents on parade by playing Ellen’s wacky mom.  She says, “M-oooom” with a funny lilt and I turn and mug to camera, which pushes in as I make a “what you see is what you get” face.   (I think that should happen a lot.  Maybe I could have a crazy burnt sienna wig that gets laughs before I even speak??)

AMY ADAMS
Amy plays Clay Aiken and I do a funny/sexy dance in the background???  (I hope Amy likes me.  Both Amy’s.)  

JONAH HILL
No ideas this week.  (WHERE’S YOUR PENELOPE WILSON?  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OVER THE BREAK.)

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Kristen and I do a funny two-hander where she sets ‘em up I knock ‘em down.  Figure out a way to shoehorn C.W. (hey!  same initials) in. (Politely ask Kristen to write something sassy yet relatable and have her give me a voice to start from.  Ask her to hang out???)

ASHTON KUTCHER
Pitch something Lorne can be in.  Find a way to make out with Andy in a sketch that seems wacky but I don’t look TOO wacky.

SHIA LABEOUF
Shia In-the-buff?
Shia plays a Jimmy Buffett/Shia hybrid called Shimmy LaBuffett?  (Fuck.  Who will I be in this??)

STEVE CARELL
Season Finale.   No concrete ideas.  Part of an update piece where I come out and play a wacky gal who gets ribbed by Seth and Amy in that delightfully familiar fashion we know and love??  (Have fun with that dynamic…be a part of things for once!!  Hug people tight during closing credits.  Show America (and Mr. Lorne) you belong up there.  Dance it out if no one is available to hug.)