Hi! From Your New, Not Terrible College Roommate

Re: Your freshman roommate pairing at Vanderbilt

OMG HI ROOMIE! I am so excited we got matched!

I am a super simple, carefree girl to live with. This is going to be very easy, I just thought we could get to know each other over email and avoid any weird, rando fights. So here ‘s a few things to know about living with me!

• I am VERY allergic to gluten and dairy so please don ‘t ever have any in our living space. During the semester, you might see me drink beer or eat a full cheese pizza and think, ‘But I thought she was allergic to gluten and dairy?” Trust and respect that I know my body and do not question me ever about my eating habits; I will get eating disordered again and no one wants that.
• I rarely mean the words ‘rape,” ‘dead,” ‘help,” or ‘scared” in a literal way. You ‘ll have to really read my physical/vocal/emoji cues and take responsibility for the outcome of your interpretation.
• I have a high school boyfriend who is very sweet, very smart, and I very much plan to cheat on him. I ‘m gonna need you to keep up my ruse of faithfulness whenever he visits (every weekend).
• Let ‘s keep all food communal except the food I buy. It ‘s just easier that way.
• In case you ever wonder or get jealous or whatever: I earned all the money I spend. I was in a J.Crew catalog when I was a baby and the model playing my mom dropped me in Lake Champlain for five minutes. I was fine but my parents sued J. Crew hard and now I live off that settlement NOT my parents ‘ 9/11 settlement.
• Speaking of Mom and Pop, fun fact: Both my parents were supposed to be working in the towers on 9/11 but went sailing on Bernie Madoff ‘s catamaran instead. They later sued the Victim ‘s Fund because it refused to pay out for ‘hypothetical death trauma,” a condition their lawyers invented. They are my heroes 🙂
• I am SUPER OCD so I need you to keep your side of the room very neat and clean. My side may sometimes be covered in empties, open containers of roasted garlic hummus, and filthy underwear but this is the specific way my OCD expresses itself. Please respect that.
• And of course, when you see me looking through your closet, I am sleepwalking!

That ‘s it! Can ‘t wait to meet on move-in day. Hope you have a great rest of the summer and please consult me before you buy any furniture, bedding, etc. as I might be allergic or hate it.

LYLAS Already,
Chelz