Bush Orders, “Get Bin Laden!” And 9 Other Things He Should Have Done in 2001

President George W Bush has enlisted British special forces in a final attempt to capture Osama Bin Laden before he leaves the White House. Here are the 9 other things President Bush has on his To-Do list before the year 2001 comes to a close.

9. Make sure to see “2001: A Space Odyssey” before the year 2001 ends.

8. Make sure and liquidate all that Enron stock after Kenny Boy told him–uh… told him… nothing. No!.. Told him that the Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup. Yeah, that’s it.

7. Drop Lizzie Grubman as PR Flack.

6. Audition to replace Jason Newsted as bassist of Metallica.

5. Buy stock in AOL/TimeWarner after the merger because that new company ain’t gonna be nothing but successful for eternity.

4. Return his Inaugural Tux to Today’s Man.

3. Pitch a big screen adaptation of the book, “The Pet Goat” to the dudes who made “The Matrix” as a 2002 Summer Tentpole.

2. Finish laminating the twins’ fake I.D.’s before they go back to College.

1. Play Rock-Paper-Scissors with Dick Cheney to see who gets the Oval Office.