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Brownsville Bulletin

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Brownsville Bulletin Brownsville Bulletin

Brownsville is a city overrun by nearly universal infections of syphilis, HIV, HSV, haleotosis, and hemorrhoids. Despite this (or possibly because of the insanity caused by syphilis), and without exception, its citizens join together in a weekly, lachrymal, ululation, bemoaning the absence of the Tijuana prostitute who opened the Pandora’s box of said diseases. Brownsville c. 1930 Before the plague, Brownsville was a bustling metropolis. Once called “The new center of western civilization,”* and “the entertainment and finance capital of the world,”** now, the it’s once great steam engine sits idly on the rusted tracks, the dam silent, the river thick and still, dark brown with raw sewage, the stench of which is thick and pungent in all corners. Due to the rampant disease, the city’s few remaining occupants have assholes that ooze with a puss making it impossible for them to sit, their genitals swollen with rash to the point of recognition, their lips rampant with cold sores, their toes rampant with athletes foot. In 2009 Forbes magazine ranked it the 2nd worst city to live in, beaten only by Detroit. Brownsville is located at 35 05 N, 45 10 W The closest major urban center to Brownsville is Shelbyville. According to the United States Census Bureau, the borough has a total area of 1.2 square miles (3.2 km²), all of it land. *Economist, May 18, 2077, “Marble cake, also the game” **New York Times, January 3, 1931 “Blumpkins for all?”