Funnebone

porn used to be easy.....it was just a magazine....shit some times it was a jc penny underwear ad.....but a good playboy or penthouse....some sexy woman on a hammock...seaweed in here hair...big hairy bush .....the perfect lighting...warm...you could hear the waves crashing along the beach...harps playing....you would be making love to this perfect woman...you would have to stop jacking off so you could run your hands through her hair....then you found a hustler...now hustler didn't put as much effort into the lights and the make up or hair....playboy and penthouse were about the woman..the goddess...hustler is about the clitoris...that's all...they weren't laying in bed of daffodil's with doves cooing and rainbows above..the bitches in hustler just got done their shift at rite aid and were brought into the jiffy lube, shaved bare thrown on top of harley, or moped or something metal and their legs strapped behind their ears....now I don't know who came up with this yoga meets my dick theory, but I don't ever remember stopping fucking to say :

hey sugar muffin...

yes yes stallion

it would really turn me on if you could put your right big toe into your left ear and take your left leg and turn it inside out....

but thank god for porn...

But the Internet changed everything....it was just a whole new level of...depravity....

now you could hone in on what you want....

oh sure..at first you are googling the simple stuff...

pussy..fucking...Asian...

and you'd get millions of sites coming up

but then they get old

so you eventually take that next step...

pussy...fucking....ummmm never fucked a girl from Tibet...pussy fucking Tibet...and socks..yeah some socks...

a month later you are really fucked up and creative..you've seen everything now your just getting silly...

one legged Egyptian grandmothers anal rodeo with a Dalmatian and a monkey ..um i don't know getting pissed on..

as you can tell I am single

I don't mind being single..I actually like it....

i don't have to shower everyday....i don't have to put the fucking sink down....shit i don't have to even piss in the toilet...i can use the tub, the sink...the Tupperware bowl i just ate chunky soup out of...

I do miss snuggling at night though...well for a minute...you know that hug and that little " someone loves me feeling"....that shits great...for a minute...i don't know what makes you girls thing that we can sleep with your anaconda contortionist ultimate fighting choke hold sleep position....

you don't take us into consideration at all

we just lay down and all of the sudden you come cudding up against us like a dog trying to get the grass out of its ass...then you wrap a leg around us, hair up my nose...I cant move, i can breathe i cant smell anything

and after i fall asleep 3 hours later/ or pass out from lack of oxygen, the bitch is going to elbow me in the ribs cause I'm snoring?....you've had your god damn tibia half way up my urethra for the last 3 hours and my snoring bothered you?...

well ..that's how I sleep!

oh that's how you sleep?...you can flex your body to 130 degrees, rotate it half way around...lock your leg trough mine, wrap it around, pull my fucking arm under yours, bend it...so you can sleep..

but when I ask you to stick your left toe in your right ear, I'm an asshole?

and the other thing I miss is not having to wear a god damn condom....

you girls don't understand how it sucks to wear them...

we get all worked up..you are purring in our ear

clawing at us

oh alright most of the time you're shit faced and talking to yourselves but whatever...

we are in the mood...we are ready to go

we are like the mighty blacksmith ready to forge our mighty steel sword into your inferno of passion

when all of the sudden you dump a big old bucket of cold water on us and the mighty excaliber becomes and olive fork...

right when we are at our peak you stop and look into our eyes....

and it is then that we know something fucked up is coming...

it is never what we want to hear....

like my sister is in the closet and she wants to join us, or take my virgin ass i am your whore!

no...its either...you know, i don't do this kind of thing...yeah I know, its me, I am special..I'm the one..I am just a facial away from Bard pit and I knew when you caught me staring at your tits I was really looking for your heart!

or its you know..I've like you since 10 th grade..yeah, i knew then, but you were fat and didn't have any tits...and lucky for you Ive been drinking since 8 this morning

or they just stop you and whisper...its always a whisper...

do you have any condoms?

now it becomes a flow chart....

my dick is hard...so are her nipples..its 3 am shes plowed with tequila....her skirts around her neck, my fingers smell like shark chum...

what are my options....

no I don't have one..which would lead me to a: a hand job then sleep

b a blow job then sleep

or c..nothing..and i get the fuck out or

d, we have unprotected sex...

well...3 out of four i get off somehow

well lets take a shot...

no, I didnt expect this to happen , I don't have one...

and this is when we men get the tables turned on us...

thats ok, she whispers..I have some here from my old boyfriend...I hope they are still good..

old boyfriend?.. this is where you ladies get all fucked up...all night long I had to hear about the guy you broke up with two years ago and how he didn't want to grow up and...well..I don't know what the fuck you were saying half the time but I know it was two years ago...and then you gave me that classic..its been such a long time for me..I don't know if I am any good..

So you are trying to imply that you haven't had sex for two years and that these condoms were left over from then,

I have had enough girlfriends to know that they make expiration dates for women, not men...do you know what our expiration date is for milk?..when its chunky...

50 cents off a package of brown and green hamburger...sold!!!!!!!!

women look at expiration dates...so I know those condoms aren't the wwII surplus items you are trying to pass off..

and besides that, every girl that i ever broke up with after 6 months has erased every trace of my previous existence like some kind of renegade kgb agent...

so anyway...at this point I don't care...I tell them fine..we can use one of your condoms....

now they never have just one, or two...every girl now has a footlocker full of sexual aids, toys, gadgets oils...there is so much lubricant and deflated balloons in there is looks like the exxon valdes crashed into the macys day parade.

and they never can just grab one..it always has to be a discussion...

do you want a lubricated one?...i have these ones with the bumps, or i have colored ones... I like the blue ones...

well...how about you get the blue one with the bumps and the spermicide and the lubricant and a fanta orange and some onion rings and biggie size it and pull your pussy around to window number 2 before i lose this hard on again.

the worse thing about rubbers is you can look cool putting them on....standing all proud...big manhood jutting forward...rolling down...well sometimes it rolls down...most of the time you cant figure out which side is up....

and then you last longer..cause you don't feel anything....

its like goi9ng to sullivans and eating a fillet Mignon with saran wrap on on it...

and when you are done....you belt out your last donkey call....

and then your penis retreats back into its little hiding place...

thank you my Friend..good job..high one"

now you are standing there

with this deflated bag of sperm

and a drunk chick with her toe in her ear.

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