twonicus

today was my day off, which usually mean i don't wake up til well after noon. not so today. my buzzer goes off at around 10am, and it won't stop...so i drag my ass out of bed and groan some form of greeting into the intercom. the response from the other side is complete gibberish, but a very specific gibberish unique to the island born black dudes that live in my building. it doesn't matter if i know what the guy is saying, i know what he wants. he wants me to play basketball. i grunt an affirmative, and go grab my shorts, my awesome basketball shoes (thanks, tobin) and a white t-shirt with "don't touch me" written on it sloppily, in black permanent marker. by the time i get downstairs the guy(s) are gone...i hate when they do this. first of all, there are about 4 places w/in walking distance to play ball, so i have to guess which one they're at. now, being that's it's a school day in the morning, chances are, they're at the only public park cause they don't let adults play on the school playground during school hours, but you just never know. secondly, if i don't arrive with them, my entrance can turn into a moment that ranks in the list of top 10 most uncomfortable moments of all time.  it's like that scene in 'white men can't jump' when woody harrelson gets in the game. except i don't have wesley snipes firing zingers at me, i've got 6-30 perfectly sculpted black men staring at me like my presence is insulting them...now eventually someone who's seen me play before will recognize me (cause there's always the same guys at these courts...few are as transient as i am) and all will be fine, but there's still almost always a guy who wants to take his reparations out on me (or get them from me, would be the more appropriate metaphor...just not as funny). today that man was named pimplove. i'm not kidding, when we shook hands before the first game (we were on the same team that time) he said his name was pimplove. and i didn't even crack a smile. i knew i'd be good after that.

my problems with pimplove started right away. he was on my case for shooting too much (i do, but it was going in, so i was shooting), and he ragged on me for making a lay-up "like a white boy"...i said that i am white, so what should he expect. when i didn't give up the rock for the game winning point (i missed my shot, but someone else put it back in for us) pimplove refused to play on my team anymore. so we matched up in the next game. pimplove was not a large man, i had about 5 inches on him, but he outweighed me by a good 40 pounds, and attempted to use that to his advantage everytime he had the ball. he would slam his back into me, pushing all his weight towards the basket...i'd let him bang into me a couple times to make him think it was working, then i'd just take a very lage, well timed, step backwards so he just fell over by the force of his own momentum.  four times he fell for this. i could see why pimplove stuck to streetball...he kept running his mouth even though i had him falling all over himself and had made him look so foolish on defense that everyone on his team was worried about me and i just had to get the ball to my vastly more athletic teammates, so i talked shit right back. after making him fall the third time i stood over pimplove and said, "i'd help you up, but i don't know if it would do any good", before i jogged back the other way. after the fourth fall one of my teammates took the ball for the game winning dunk and i sat down next to pimplove, looked down the court after my team and said, "it's a nice view from here pimplove, you should stay down." and that, was apparently that for pimplove. after i got to my feet and walked about 10 feet away, he came up behind me and grabbed me by the neck. he lifted me up and was going to slam me to the concrete, but his grip slipped a little (we were sweaty) and i was able to plant my left foot and use my momentum to pull him over my planted leg...then his momentum pulled him the rest of the way over, headfirst towards the ground...he had a lot of momentum...his body slipped past me in a blur and there was a dull THOK! sound as his head hit the cement. he crumpled and i stood up calmly...not really sure what just happened. everybody came running up to me yelling about how badass that was, that pimlove had been asking for it all day, and that they were glad i gave it to him...yeah, i fooled a klutz into knocking himself unconscious, i'm hardcore. but after he came to it was decreed by the lords of the blacktop, that for the rest of the day, pimplove would be my bitch...needless to say i absolved him of all bitch duties, because you don't fuck with a man named pimplove.

peace out homies