twonicus

so, i've got 4 hours left in my sensory deprivation chamber, and i've had a lot to think about today...

i'll start with the bad, because it'll get me all worked up. that classical guitarist came back today. he did some new stuff with his first set. a very interesting arrangement of "can't buy me love" and a couple of top 40 type hits that i vaguely recognized enough to know they were actual songs. but then he put his guitar away and started sawing on his violin, and has continued to do so for the past 3 hours. the problem...he is INDESCRIBEABLY bad on the violin.i used to play the violin and i haven't touched the instrument in over 10 years but i could go out there right now and play better than this guy. i don't know what the cultural touchstone would be for this particular situation, but imagine being trapped at a middle school/junior high band recital and the 6th grade's 2nd chair clarinetist is playing the LONGEST solo EVER too the SADDEST movie scores imaginable. i may slit my belly open yet today.

but in couterbalance to the suicide inducing fiddler, there was my man ray. ray is one of my regular customers and when he comes in he usually stays and talks to me about jazz, drugs, and harlem. or philosophy, novels, and greenwich village. and he always leaves me with a poem or some sort of life affirming tidbit. today, as he was leaving, he asked me question. "in the entirety of your life, whom do you miss the most?" my answer was; no one. he contemplated the sadness in that statement and then gave me his answer "i miss the man i will become" but he said it with a smile and a gleam in his eye that made it sound more hopeful and made me feel more optimistic than any single statement i've heard since i actually was all hopeful and optimistic. i've felt fantastic ever since. it constantly amazes me how one single moment can change my perspective on everything happening around me, even if it's just for an hour, or until the next moment comes along and takes me in a new direction. maybe i'm just going crazy, sitting here all by myself for 12 hours at a time, but i love the emotional rollercoaster. i truly enjoy my brain's ability to have me convinced that we're all totally fucked and that there is beauty and hope and love and other stuff worth living for all at the same time. i enjoy the contradiction that is me. i am a whore, i am a god.

...too many customers derailed my train of thought, so i'm gonna leave this one where it is. i know it's not really a finished idea, but nothing ever is, so fill in the blanks yourself. i'm not much of a finisher anyway, that's why my girl doesn't like fucking me...i just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and...well you get the idea

I AM TWONICUS!