An American Blog: This Is Why the Rest of the World Hates Us: Sedimentary Soil is More Interesting Than You'd Think
I had my face shoved into it more than once on the playground. And it is delicious! The chewy texture alone brings back memories that help me come down from artificial highs -- like the ones I experience after I make new friends as an adult or succeed in some small way, perhaps by redeeming a coupon or answering a telephone survey.
When life threatens to overtake me with its bounty, I simply go outside and scoop up a handful of sedimentary soil and let it run through my gnarled, age-speckled hands.
"Now I remember," I always think. And then I come up with new exciting uses for it, besides just smelling that earthy aroma.
'Wouldn't it be fun to put some in the gas tank of Hillary Sparlowe, the popular girl who made my life miserable in high school? Now that she has infant grandchildren, having her engine go out would really be inconvenient!'
'What about replacing the mayonnaise with sedimentary soil in the sandwich of Dwayne, that pesky mailman?'
Better yet: 'What if I could find a way to make formerly combustible motors run on sedimentary soil? Surely I'd win the Nobel Peace Prize then!' I already have my clothes picked out for the award ceremony.
And here's something you might not have known. Sediments are commonly subdivided into three major groups—mechanical, chemical, and organic.
That's fascinat--
Okay. I admit it. I don't know shit about sedimentary soil. My 81-year-old fucking mother does, because in addition to being an accomplished artist, she's taken actual classes on geology and don't you forget it, you big dope. And believe me, if you've ever heard an 81-year-old natter on about "striations" and "petrology," you'll WANT to forget it but you won't be able to once you fall asleep and the nightmares begin.
I just liked the idea of "sedimentary soil" after Owsla proposed it as a blog topic. And forgive me if I was relieved to not have to think that hard after my second martini of the evening on a Monday night. Granted, daylight savings time makes me seem like more of a lush than I am since I start drinking at 4 p.m. now. Sue me, I felt the urge to write a blog. And there was a ready made topic that called my name: Dirt.
That's why I asked other people to come up with blog topics for me. I am hoarding them like Scrooge with his gold, because I have at least a year's worth under my belt now, not counting Noelle's grandmother's candy dish, since that one is still swimming around in my head like a deadly shark just waiting to crash through my skull with its Venetian-glass teeth. You can't count that as "being under one's belt."
I'm still grateful for "sedimentary soil" as a topic. It was wildly freeing. The fact that I want to use it to poison engines and sandwiches could probably be held against me in a court of law if these scenarios manifest themselves. But they won't. Because I'm so lazy that the closest I'll get to sedimentary soil mischievousness is being buried in it.
And I plan to get cremated.
(I just had a horrible thought. What if my life comes down to someone having to read one of my old blogs on FOD to find out how to dispose of my remains? I changed my mind about cremation, okay? Just dig a hole on my land, wrap me in a sheet, and dump me in. Please make sure I'm dead first, too. Thanks.)
Comments (19)
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My name is Mud.
I like fruit cake. I know weird right. I like fruit cake.
this is a dirty blog!
I want to hear more about your feud with the mailman!
I think you identify just a little too closely to sedimentary.
Wikipedia: Sedimentary: any particulate matter that can be transported by fluid flow, and which eventually is deposited.
(See what I mean?)
Where to scatter your ashes? Noelle and I discussed this and felt that it would be the most symbolic and sensible this to do.
http://www.worldslargestthings.com/oklahoma/prayinghands.htm
excellent I am quite sure you have posted the very first blog on sed soil riveting as it was I commend you and append you ps props to Joelee3 for his explanation I knew this would be right up his alley although i would've expected some reference to fossilization or such.
Makes you rudimentary. That's what sedimentary soil does. Oh, what fun it would be, though! Jimbo
"Now I remember" LOL You know, the last time I said that was was last week when I was getting a pap LOL My Dr had asked me about another doctor, whom I couldn't remember and it turned out her gave me a colposcopy last year. When my doctor "went in" and commented "looks good", I was like "Oh! Dr Gerber! Now I remember!" LOL
I can just hear the needle scratching across the record as you abruptly change directions. Beautiful.
Why don't you get your ashes put in Hillary Sparlowe's gas tank,that would sort that cow out. Only downside is that you would have to die first, still every Silver Lining has a Cloud.
OM GOsh! i love u
When I was little,my brother(4 years older)would pay me to eat dirt.I took the money and went to our neighborhood candy lady.Then I wouldn't share with him.
The Farmer's Alminac at one time stated that after the frist frost of the year, if you took a big handfull of sedimentary soil into your hands and breathed it in, you'd ward off any sort of sickness for the winter, and ward off those god damn democrats in november. I can't pay more taxes you knuckleheads! I don't care if parts of the school are falling on ... more >
"Remember that you came from dirt and to dirt you shall return." ~ something like that.
That's why I keep dirt under my bed in hopes that it will turn into a man one of these days ~ anytime now!
Holy crap! I didn't even know FOD had a weblog feature, let alone that amy's been writing one all this time!
(Amy is now reading this and putting her forehead in her hand, "oh no. no no no. Rotwang found my blog. shit.")
I knew you were funny and well spoken before, but wow, babe, you really are a damn good writer. I'm impressed.
And the "I See You, Funny or ... more >
Not even David Sedaris could make dirt this funny.
Now off to the showers with you!
And your mom reminds you to get behind those ears.
I love your prose.
It gives me a deliciously warm, calm feeling like laying in the bottom of a rowboat, listening to the waves gently lap the hull, while someone tells me the best story I’ve ever heard.
And I’ve not had ANY martinis
(Damnit! Now I won’t rest ’til I get one.).
And, yes, I plan to use ‘gently lap the hull’
as a prompt during oral sex.
Incid... more >
You had me at "soil"
I have one thing to say...sediment rocks. Oh, and that sheet's been ready for a while - do I really have to wait 'til you're dead first?