An American Blog: This Is Why the Rest of the World Hates Us: What's in Your Grocery Cart?
You can tell a lot about a person from the contents of their grocery cart.
I'd like to think that mine say "jaunty, health-conscious environmentalist."
Note the phraseology "like to think."
Because what my cart actually says is "single person with issues."
By issues, I mean, "drinks too much and buys meatless hamburger AND beef jerky."
Putting the truth aside for a moment, which is my specialty, the reason I like to think my shopping cart says "jaunty" is the creative co-mingling of V-8 and Flintstone's Gummy Vitamins. V-8 is delicious! But only when it comes in the tiny, metal, single-serving cans. There's something nauseating about the economical plastic bottle. Don't ask me why. I'm fairly certain it involves a bad experience I once had with V-8 "sediment." Which has a sickening, chunky texture. Say no more, right girls?
Flintstone's Gummies are also delicious. And all you have to do if you weigh a hundred-and-eighty pounds is quadruple the suggested daily recommendation. Now that's jaunty!
As for "health-conscious," please note that my cart contains the organic BLUE corn chips. Not the chemical-filled yellow ones that people in Iowa favor. Those fat rubes! It's as if they think what they stuff into their mouths while they're watching Fox News isn't important. Not to make a stereotype about Iowans. Or to imply that I don't stuff the blue corn ships -- which taste GREAT with a shitload of cheese melted on top -- into my mouth while I'm watching "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." And by the way, isn't Kim a total, wig-wearing whore? But seriously, those people from Iowa have no class.
As for "environmentalist," I bring my reusable canvas bags to the store when I shop. Don't you? Oh, you don't? Well, then, FUCK YOU. The war in Iraq is YOUR FAULT. Don't you realize that plastic bags are made with petrochemicals and we're in that war to secure Iraq's fossil-fuel lines? Oh, you didn't know that? Well, you're a real piece of stupid work, in that case. Not that I'm strident, or anything. I just try to humbly do my bit when I drive alone in my low-mileage car to the grocery store twenty miles from my house. It's not my fault they put it so far away.
Finally, the only reason I say that my cart actually speaks of a "single person with issues" is that I think the contents are simply too esoteric for most people to grasp. Yeah. That's it.
I say "drinks too much" just to make people who actually do that feel better about themselves. It's not like I pile two bottles of red wine and a non-breakable-plastic quart of Smirnoff on top of my organic vegetables! It's just a coincidence that one of my reusable canvas bags is a bottle holder, and I hardly ever need it. Every time I shop.
As for the "meatless-hamburger-beef-jerky" thing, I DO buy meatless hamburger every time I shop. And I hardly ever buy beef jerky. In fact, I only do that when I'm dru--
Okay, I see what you're getting at. And I don't like it. Finger-pointing is ugly, and far be it from you to be a finger-pointer, right? I know you wouldn't do that, because while I'm having my groceries checked out, I'm scrutinizing YOUR purchases. I see that Ben and Jerry's, and don't think I don't! Your bag of Cheez-Doodles? Sure, they're for your kid. SURE. You just watch it. I've got my eye on you.
And by the way, to the person ahead of me, this is the fucking EXPRESS line. You've got thirty items there, if you count each egg separately. So I'm going to quietly wish you were DEAD. I won't say anything, because that would be rude. Which isn't my style, just like having a shopping cart full of tacky groceries isn't my style. But I hope you run into a ditch on the way home.
Hell, if that really did happen, I'd probably stop and help. Unless I had perishables in my trunk. I wouldn't want those to melt.
I'd like to think that mine say "jaunty, health-conscious environmentalist."
Note the phraseology "like to think."
Because what my cart actually says is "single person with issues."
By issues, I mean, "drinks too much and buys meatless hamburger AND beef jerky."
Putting the truth aside for a moment, which is my specialty, the reason I like to think my shopping cart says "jaunty" is the creative co-mingling of V-8 and Flintstone's Gummy Vitamins. V-8 is delicious! But only when it comes in the tiny, metal, single-serving cans. There's something nauseating about the economical plastic bottle. Don't ask me why. I'm fairly certain it involves a bad experience I once had with V-8 "sediment." Which has a sickening, chunky texture. Say no more, right girls?
Flintstone's Gummies are also delicious. And all you have to do if you weigh a hundred-and-eighty pounds is quadruple the suggested daily recommendation. Now that's jaunty!
As for "health-conscious," please note that my cart contains the organic BLUE corn chips. Not the chemical-filled yellow ones that people in Iowa favor. Those fat rubes! It's as if they think what they stuff into their mouths while they're watching Fox News isn't important. Not to make a stereotype about Iowans. Or to imply that I don't stuff the blue corn ships -- which taste GREAT with a shitload of cheese melted on top -- into my mouth while I'm watching "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." And by the way, isn't Kim a total, wig-wearing whore? But seriously, those people from Iowa have no class.
As for "environmentalist," I bring my reusable canvas bags to the store when I shop. Don't you? Oh, you don't? Well, then, FUCK YOU. The war in Iraq is YOUR FAULT. Don't you realize that plastic bags are made with petrochemicals and we're in that war to secure Iraq's fossil-fuel lines? Oh, you didn't know that? Well, you're a real piece of stupid work, in that case. Not that I'm strident, or anything. I just try to humbly do my bit when I drive alone in my low-mileage car to the grocery store twenty miles from my house. It's not my fault they put it so far away.
Finally, the only reason I say that my cart actually speaks of a "single person with issues" is that I think the contents are simply too esoteric for most people to grasp. Yeah. That's it.
I say "drinks too much" just to make people who actually do that feel better about themselves. It's not like I pile two bottles of red wine and a non-breakable-plastic quart of Smirnoff on top of my organic vegetables! It's just a coincidence that one of my reusable canvas bags is a bottle holder, and I hardly ever need it. Every time I shop.
As for the "meatless-hamburger-beef-jerky" thing, I DO buy meatless hamburger every time I shop. And I hardly ever buy beef jerky. In fact, I only do that when I'm dru--
Okay, I see what you're getting at. And I don't like it. Finger-pointing is ugly, and far be it from you to be a finger-pointer, right? I know you wouldn't do that, because while I'm having my groceries checked out, I'm scrutinizing YOUR purchases. I see that Ben and Jerry's, and don't think I don't! Your bag of Cheez-Doodles? Sure, they're for your kid. SURE. You just watch it. I've got my eye on you.
And by the way, to the person ahead of me, this is the fucking EXPRESS line. You've got thirty items there, if you count each egg separately. So I'm going to quietly wish you were DEAD. I won't say anything, because that would be rude. Which isn't my style, just like having a shopping cart full of tacky groceries isn't my style. But I hope you run into a ditch on the way home.
Hell, if that really did happen, I'd probably stop and help. Unless I had perishables in my trunk. I wouldn't want those to melt.
Comments (15)
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My favorite supermarket has designated parking spots for "single people with issues"; the lines are an ashy gray color & they're located all the way at the back of the lot. My shopping consists of items that will keep for at least 8 months.
I also hang out in the cheese department & just inhale deeply. Cheese is divine. But the idea of filling a reusable canvas bag with products that are 50% packaging in such a cathedral of excess would only work for me if there were some sort of ironic sentiment written on it, like "I'm Making A Difference!"
I use paper bags made of slash and burn rain forest debris. And by the way, Ding Dongs are health food!
This actually made me think about what I buy, and it's the same every week I hardly purchase anything different. Every Sunday morning I take my five daughters shopping (my wife works at weekends)I can park closer than single people with no children but not as close as disabled (Bastards) I use reusable bags so I am environmental but there made of Ivory with ... more >
V8 is my staple of choice. :-)
You're so drunk. I LOATHE express lane cock blockers who have more than 8 items AND count their change. The cashier should just get a taser and tase the bitches as soon as they count item 9. You know what's in my cart LOL Everything assotred or blended. BTW Try Odwalla Monster C. I'm telling you! Soooooooooooo GOOD!
The contents of my cart scream diet,or rabbit food.(boring) But I do stare at all the ice cream and drool.Haagen daz is like crack.
I would re-think the plastic bottles. But my cart will never spell "jaunty", only "I have been left at a trailer park" or "I am now being used by disadvantaged homeless people" who eat healthier than I do.
Mine says this guy likes to make sandwiches.
We have so many reusable bags in the back of our vehicle we could pack up the house and move. Aren't they made of plastic, too?
Yes, I too love those little V8 shots, known as V-Goes.My latest kick is jumbo olives stuffed with anything -like hot peppers, garlic or almonds.YUMMY!
And if your're in the 12 item or less item with 50 things. I'll stand behind you ... more >
How dare you buy meatless hamburger. I thought I knew you.
It's 70% "healthy" and "ethical", 20% "cop-out starch stuff", and 10% "hide under the spinach and multigrain tortillas", because Amy's looking.
I’ve fallen for the friendly “wave over”, by a lonely checker in the express lane. As soon as I plunk down say, 13 items; I have the entire League of Extraordinary Type A Personalities, all suffering from collective a... more >
now wait a minute! i'm from iowa and i'm not a fat rube...well, not a rube, anyway...what's a rube?
Do samples at Costco count ? If you go on a weekend,it's like free lunch.
Vodka at the grocery store. God do I miss Portland in some ways. In the plus column, I can walk down the street sans hooded sweatshirt, wearing the same clothes I've had for seven years and not be made fun of by bizarrely self ironic mimeographs of actual people, so it's all good.