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An American Blog: This Is Why the Rest of the World Hates Us: Kittens, Fluffy Clouds, and Special Olympics Finish-Line Hugs
My computer needs a breathalyzer with a lock-down function. There's no way I should be allowed anywhere near it after I've had even one glass of red wine. The horrendously offensive venom that spews out of me clearly doesn't make the world a better place. And it turns out that my supply of horrendously offensive venom is like water in a trick cup that never gets empty, so letting it out doesn't make me a better person, either.
Branding an entire group of people, like Christians, in an inane blog is the height of immaturity and meanness. Even if a few of them do irritate me. Hell. Those are the ones who irritate everybody.
After I wrote "Go to Hell, Potluck Lovers" I had terrible dreams all night. In one of them, a person left a comment saying: "Why do you even blog here anyway? It's a site for people to post their MOVIES, not their stupid offensive blogs. Go find a blog site and post your crappy blogs there." Actually, that might not have been a dream. I think at some point in the evening I commented on my own blog.
But the thing is, I like it here at FOD. We're all the kid who got beat up and made fun of in school, which always makes for a witty adult who doesn't take things too seriously. Even if we do all have the off-putting habit of darting nervous glances over our shoulder at social events.
So after deleting my umpteenth blog, I've decided I'm only going to write yippity-skippity, light-as-air things about kittens, fluffy clouds, and the joy in a child's eyes when he or she gets a nice tight hug after competing in the Special Olympics, which even Satan would be hard-pressed to say a mean thing about. And when I say "kittens," I don't mean blogs like the one I wrote and deleted called "How to Torture a Kitten." I mean blogs about how fluffy and cute they are.
And I really mean it this time. Seriously. I swear.
I'm also going to stop using words like "fuck" and "cunt," even though they are my favorites.
But I'm not saying anything nice about clowns even if I get water-boarded by an entire troupe of them. Or mimes. Or mimes and clowns in a parade. I HATE a parade.
Oh, damn. See? Trick cup.
Comments (19)
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Hmmmm. Will have to keep reading to see if your remaining blogs have been defanged. Hope not. Although, have to admit, haven’t even noticed the venom. Could it be that my brain is wired the same way, and therefore everything you’ve said so far would’ve been something I would’ve (or wished I had) said?
you use the eff and see words so beautifully. no one rawks ’em quite like you do!
i suffer from a pretty serious case of trick cup envy…
Well fuck a hadicapped kitten cunt with a mime! I missed the “how to torture a kitten” blog!
I cunt believe it’s not butter!
Yeah, you should stop using the word cunt. It’s bad.
I love the word cunt. Cunty cunt cunt cunt!!!!!!
No dont stop using those words! Thier great! And whatsup with the dude below me. He’s always writing stuff ike that. Its cool but so mysterious. Great Blog But the dude beloe me is right. Dont censor ourself.
Write and post what you feel. don’t water it down or change anything. By doing that you’re censoring yourself. If anyone tries to censor you, tell them to fuck off. By the way, I really hate the word cunt, can you not use it anymore.
Clearly you have not read the bible. It states, thou shalt not withhold fuckery and or cuntery from thy fans. It also says something about cute fluffy kittens being the devil’s lasso. Don’t let him rope you in!!
Your trick cup is my Holy Grail.
WTF? I just read every last one of your blog entries and now I have to read this shit? Say it ain’t so. Brashness and irreverence are part of what makes your blogs so enjoyable to read. Who gives a fuck if people get offended? Fuck ‘em! You can’t please everyone. Plus, I’m afraid that if you don’t vent out on here all that hostility (and hilarity) will... more >
Wow, give me a glass of that wine. In a syringe. On a Friday afternoon.
If John went to my school, I would have beat him up. I was a Punk AND on the track team- nobody fucked with me. Next time you open a bottle of wine, call me, and I’ll open one, too. We’ll rant into the night.
Clowns, what’s so great about them? Never got it. Here’s a fact. The Emmett Kelly we all know and hate was a Junior. You read correctly fellow cynics. He sponged off Dad’s name, AND he didn’t even speak to his dear ol’ clown Dad. Apparently, Sr. didn’t agree with Jr.’s interpretation of the “character”. Character? C’mon, it’s a clown. Tell you what Kelly fa... more >
i know i don’t have to say it…but i agree with jim.
Heavens to Murgatroid! did you read my rant on Twon’s blog re: Christian music…when I hear”Our God is an Awesome God”...it’s as if I’m Walter or Bob and you are unloading the dishwasher…I go a little nuts…..and that’s when I’m sober too..
I did not get beat up at school!
And how dare you pull the last blog! It was not mean- it was insightfiul and had a solid point of view.
Kittens are cool, but please write about anything you want- any time you want- the red wine ones are funny.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! embrace the trick cup! don’t ever stop ‘fuck’-ing or ‘cunt’-ing! you can still spew hilarious venom withOUT branding and ENTIRE group of people…you can brand ALL people.
oh, and i was a jock in high school (among other things), so i never got beat up or made fun of…oh, wait, that’s totally untrue, i still got beat up and made fun of til my... more >