danielleschneider

Hey Everyone, my name is Danielle Schneider and I’m going to be exposing myself to you this week. No, I’m not going to get physically naked, I’m going to get emotionally naked and bare my heart and soul to all of you. By the way, my soul has huge jugs.

A little bit about me, I live in Los Angeles, the Valley to be specific. When I first moved out here I was told by a friend/asshole not to tell people I lived in the Valley because others would immediately feel sorry for me and not want to be my friend. He said I should hide my shameful 818 area code and replace it with a clean and more palatable 323 or 310. I felt like a Jew in the 1950’s who had to hide their heritage and their last name in order to play football at a prestigious prep school and win the girl of my dreams. I should mention that I get most of my historical knowledge from the 1992 film “School Ties” starring a very young Matt Damon and a very unjewish looking Brendan Fraser.

 For those of you who don’t live in Los Angeles, the Valley gets such a bad reputation because it produces lots of pollution and pornography. That’s my hood folks, if you’ve ever seen a porno; you’ve probably seen me walking my dog in the background. I’ll try to wave next time.

 Speaking of porn, I’m almost positive I was standing in line with a porn star at my Starbucks this morning. Us Magazine is right, stars ARE just like us, they get coffee and everything. I think she was a porn star because she had the biggest, hardest boobs I have ever seen. If I got in a fistfight with her boobs, I think her boobs would’ve won. She also had those long fake bejeweled nails, collagen filled glossy lips and hair so thick and lustrous you know it’s seen its share of protein.  Anyway, she was definitely a disgusting porn star….either that or she’s just an amazingly hot woman and I’m just jealous because next to her I look like a pre-pubescent boy.

See you tomorrow!!