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An American Blog: This Is Why the Rest of the World Hates Us: Nature is So Loud and Dirty!
I moved into a nature-ridden jungle straight from the bowels of Hell's Kitchen in New York City. News flash: the Big Apple is a fucking amateur when it comes to weird noises and filth.
I sometimes indulge in the occasional cigarette, which is bad for my struggling lungs but good for my morale. Since I own parrots, whose bodies are full of delicate air sacs, I smoke outside, on my screened porch. I don't want to kill them. I just want to leave them homeless when I die from emphysema. Because I'm thoughtful that way.
So when I sit on my screened porch in the far north, I hear a lot of strange shit. New York's noises were rhythmic and comforting. Like taxis running over loose manhole covers or the 50th Street bus revving its engine every 15 minutes or the pepper of playful gunshots. Nature doesn't care about schedules or comfort or gunplay. She has her own agenda.
For instance, just now, while puffing away and touch typing with the skill of an angelic court stenographer, I heard a weird scraping noise. I heard it last night, too. Was it a fox in heat? A fisher killing its prey? A moose stomping through the scrub? A succubus coming to suck out my soul? Who fucking knows! That's nature for you. A total conundrum. It's all still a huge yet enticing mystery to me. It's the call of the underbrush.
I set my dog after the noise, but he returned, wet from the woods and shaken. Poor bastard. My dog is kind of a freak. His picture is on my profile page. Can you see him smiling proudly? That's because he has flags stuck in his collar and I'm taking his picture. He loves to be the center of attention and he loves dressing up in costumes. I believe he's proud to be American because he doesn't know how to read.
But back to nature, that cunning, sneaky love goddess! Since moving here, I've become an amateur gardener of sorts. So my nails are always dirty. I was able to stay clean in New York, but it is now truly beyond me. I don't wear gardening gloves - probably for the same reason young men don't wear condoms. They just don't feel good! Therefore, I always have filthy hands to match my filthy heart.
So during the day, I'm unclean. And at night, I'm confused by the raucous and constant call of nature. And I'm still unclean.
Nature is so loud and dirty! I'm getting used to her, though, crazy bitch that she is. At least she's full of surprises, and when you get to be my age, you appreciate a good surprise because you see most things coming from a mile away.
It just occurred to me that I'm happier than I thought. Which makes me miserable, since I'm used to being unhappy and I don't like change. But still. Nature. Maybe she's worth a second look-see.
Comments (14)
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I grew up in the country. All the sounds of nature just became part of me. After my mom passed away, my wife and I moved back out there. We just recently moved back again into the city due to daily commuting for work, debt, etc… Had to sell most of the ranch. But was able to keep about 30 acres and my grandparents house for a weekend place. I guess that... more >
yep. i fear change too. broke and aimless (for life)— that’s my motto…
I love nature during the day but at night she scares the fucking shit out of me. Camping, in the woods, pitch dark (save a gas lantern), and I hear something make a horrific screeching noise. A noise that Old Scratch himself couldn’t match. A shot went right up my spine. Eventually I worked up the nerve and I unzipped the tent flap slowly, and what did I... more >
Girl, I hear ya loud and clear! I came out of Chicago to the weird creaks and crows of the country.
takes filthy hand extends it to your filthy hand for a shake
P.S. Both of my dogs should have been cats because they are such pussies about those weird nightly noises.
Your dog is soooooo cute! Amy thanks so much for reading our blogs!
Haha – yes, I agree, about the dirty nature part and that nature is full of surprises – I hate that she’s so UP on me!!!!!!!!
Eric says: Maybe that scraping sound was a construction crew building a Banana Republic next door.
Is your so proud because he saw that music video?
wait until you hear a screech owl, hon. I love your blog!!...um excuse me, but I have to go watch the lizards mating on my patio…
change we must…nature moves rhythmically too, you just have to be patient with it…the cit is rock and roll, outdoors is classical…or folk.
oh no Jim is proud of you! well now you can slide into comforting shame spiral… I now live amongst the trees…I love it. Assuming that “THE HILLS HAVE EYES”, I can fulfill my exhibitionist needs by flashing North, South, East, and West! It feels so GOOD!
I agree with the Perron Brothers- front page, lady!! I lived “Up North’ for 5 years. At first, I was overwhelmed- deer in my yard, turkeys walking down the middle of the road, birds with vivid orchestrations every AM, not too mention the beauty that sometimes brought tears to my eyes. Last time I went for a visit was 3 years ago, and I didn’t want to leave- ... more >
You have made me very, very proud of you.
Despite feeling pressure you come through with an ‘A+’ entry.
Which is not to say you’ll win (yes, I lied, the game is still on), but I’m not the judge. This certainly is a challagner.
Dirty fucking bitch that you are. I’m surprised the dog doesn’t run away and the birds head south.
Amy, your blog should be on the front page.
I have always worn gloves while gardening because I find they allow my super sensitive hands to, ahem, weed longer.
Your pooch looks smart… like a American.