Here are the ways that I am better than Lena Dunham: 1) I am taller than her 2) I can beat her at arm wrestling even though her arms are huge because my arms are pure muscle and hers are made of toaster strudel frosting packets. 3) I am way better looking. Even if I dressed up like a girl and tried to pass as a lady, I'd be way prettier and totally get more hot dudes than she ever could. 4) I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. 5) I DON'T have my own show on HBO. WHICH IS A PLUS - BECAUSE MY NON-EXISTENT SHOW IS NOT "HBO'S GIRLS" WHICH IS WORSE THAN, LIKE, NO SHOW AT ALL. 6) I've never lived in Brooklyn. This makes me more "real". 7) My dad is bigger than her dad, he's got 8 cars and a house in IRELAND. SING IT! 8) My dick is way bigger and it's not even THAT BIG. 9) I don't "do" social media. How cool is that? Cooler than Lena Dunham, that's for sure! She's got a @TWITTER account. I #don't. 10) I take showers almost every day. 11) I'm older than Lena Dunham. That makes me more mature and more experienced. 12) I've had a job. 13) I met Ben Stein once. She probably doesn't even know who that is. 14) I can jump higher than Lena Dunham can. 15) My friend Megan got athlete's foot from showering at Lena Dunham's apartment.