badinfluence

You can't imagine what it's like to actually feel the life slipping out of... more »

You can't imagine what it's like to actually feel the life slipping out of someone's body as you squeeze the neck harder and harder. Um, or so I've heard."

"I want you to fully appreciate how hard I had to fight myself to keep from... more »

"I want you to fully appreciate how hard I had to fight myself to keep from yelling, 'YOU'RE FIRED!" at the last second, just for the laugh and to make people love me even more than they already do, but I endorsed you in public. Now, get me onto one of those Mormon compounds and hook me up with a 13-year-old as hot looking as my daughter or I'm going to start talking about how you remind me of that alien from the episode of 'Twilight Zone' where the guy yells, 'It's a cookbook!' at the very end. Do we understand each other, Matt?"

Expecting to be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom today, Toni... more »

Expecting to be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom today, Toni Morrison was lured to the White House and strangled by President Obama, apparently because he mistakenly thought the Pulitzer Prize-winning author had written, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back." Informed of his error, Obama granted himself a Presidential pardon, pledged to read one of the late author's novels "one of these days," and reminded members of the press he himself had written two bestsellers. The president also said Morrison "hadn't done much except play Captain Kirk's mother" since leaving "House," and expressed surprise she looked much older than she had on the TV series.

"Harvey and I sit in the bars, have a drink or two, play the juke box,"... more »

"Harvey and I sit in the bars, have a drink or two, play the juke box," said Elwood P. Dowd. However, he failed to mention the bad acid Harvey put in that third drink or that the invisible rabbit wanted to go to a strip club, said he'd be needing a lot of ones, and threatened to eat the head off a waitress named Irene if Dowd didn't help him rob a bank.