General Tso's Chicken

Soldier:  General Tso, I just received word that the Muslim army is approaching.  Should I inform the troops to stand guard?

General Tso:  Hold on a second, I think I might be onto something here.  

Soldier:  Is it a new battle formation?

General Tso:  No, this is much better.

Soldier:  A healing mixture for men who have been wounded in combat?  

General Tso:  Do we have any chili peppers?  I swear I saw them around here somewhere.  

Soldier:  Ah, a weapon that causes temporary blindness to our enemies perhaps?  

General Tso:  Here, try this and tell me what you think.

Soldier:  Is that… chicken?

General Tso:  I’m worried that I used too much cornstarch.

Soldier:  Sir, the Muslims are going to arrive any minute.

General Tso:  I always start out using the measuring cups but then I get cocky and start eyeballing it, ya know?

Soldier:  With all due respect, a recipe should be the least of your concerns right now.

General Tso:  It’s hard because everyone has a different idea about how big a serving size should be.

Soldier:  Look, over that hill… the Muslims are crossing into our territory!  What should I tell the troops?

General Tso:  Take a poll, I want to see how often they eat poultry during a typical week.

Soldier:  Our men are going to die if you don’t act quickly!

General Tso:  Oh, that reminds me, while you’re at it, figure out how many of them are on a diet.  This stuff makes you feel pretty bloated afterwards and I don’t think the health junkies are gonna go for it.

Soldier:  We can still win this war!  Your name will live on forever if you just give me the orders!

General Tso:  That’s a great idea… I’ll name it after myself.  That way when people order it they’ll think of me.  

Soldier:  Wouldn’t you rather be remembered for your displays of courage on the battlefield?

General Tso:  Eh… honestly, the whole general thing is just a family tradition.  But this… this has a chance to be something big. 

Soldier:  Please, give me something.  

General Tso:  Can you imagine?  People walking into restaurants filled with outdated photographs of the menu items and ordering my chicken!

Soldier:  They’re scaling the walls!  Do you not have a soul?

General Tso:  Let me know what happens.  I’ll be in the back looking for those chili peppers.