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Stats & Data

June 27, 2008


* The board of Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers laid out a proposal to add dot sex to the dot com and dot org domain names list.

Sources close to porn lovers everywhere say, "We were shooting for dot cum . The idea wasn't hard to come up with. But whatever."

* NEW YORK — Due to a nationwide legal settlement, claiming caffeinated alcoholic beverages were marketed toward minors, and were misrepresented of offering health benefits, Anheuser-Busch Companies Inc. will reformulate its alcoholic energy drinks.

Sources close to the hyped up drunks say, "Bud Extra and Tilt give me the energy to hit on all of the girls in a bar, not just a couple, like regular beers. The extra caffeine also keeps me from falling asleep behind the wheel on my way home from the 4 a.m. bars. Going back to regular beer is going to be just like switching back to dial-up after having a high-speed cable connection. It's gonna suck bad."

* DARWIN — A two-foot long crocodile found its way into an outback bar. Patrons posed for photos with it, and raised their glasses to toast the unexpected guest.

Sources close to the ghost of the Crocodile Hunter say, "Big deal, mates. One time I got drunk with a 10-foot croc. I humped that bloke all night long. I tried to get the producer of my show to change the name to Crocodile Humper, but he was too much of a Sheila."

* LITTLE ROCK — Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones have teamed up, to build their Slutempire... $1.99 at a time. Their website offers details via video of encounters they allegedly had with former President Bill Clinton. Each will share thoughts on Clinton, Hillary and other topics for the low, low prices of one dollar and ninety nine cents.

Sources close to Clinton say, "If I throw in an extra penny, I bet I can get them to kiss each other."

* ALABAMA — American Idol's Velvet Teddy Bear, Ruben Studdard, is getting married.

The bride, a bucket of KFC, is expected to wear an extra spicy Ralph Lauren.

* BERLIN — American hiker, Jessica Bruinsma took on the Bavarian Alps, and fell 16.4 feet, where she was stranded for three days. The 24-year-old from Colorado, was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal. She attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain.

Sources close to the now horny lumberjacks say, "She got my timber moving! Everyone knows lumberjacks love flapjacks, and those looked delicious."

Sources close to the sport's bra say, "Finally we can be known for something more than taking two perfectly good breasts and squishing them into one giant uniboob."

* SACRAMENTO — A female driver crashed head-on into a utility pole, causing 15,000 people to lose power. She claims to have been swerving to avoid hitting a stray cat.

Sources close to the imaginary stray cat say, "Take that Mrs. O'Leary's cow! You aren't the only animal who can cause chaos and mayhem."

In Kid Newz This Week:

* SALT LAKE CITY — Sadie and Pyper Vance protested in the streets carrying signs that read, "All of my mom's monny goes to the gas tank!" And, "Honk to lower gas prices! My mom had to cut cabel."

The 7 and 9-year-old sisters said the high gas prices have forced their mother to make budget cuts, starting with cable television.

Sources close to the little girls say, "I want my MTV!"

Sources close to oil executives say, "Maybe if those little losers weren't vegging out in front of the TV all day, they'd be able to spell."

* GUTHRIE — A 3-year-old girl saved her mother's life by calling 911. Her mother, who is pregnant with a serious medical condition, taught the child a song, "911 green," hoping the lyrics offered enough instruction on how to call for help on a cell phone.

Sources close to the little girl say, "When her mother had a fainting spell, she did what any other 3-year-old would do. She sang... 'Ding dong the witch is dead...' and then realized she should sing the other song if she wants her SpaghettiOs for dinner."

* MUNCIE — A 7-year-old boy stole his grandmother's Geo Tracker, and drove to the mall. The boy was so small that some motorists could not see anyone behind the wheel.

Sources close to the motorists say, "We thought we were dealing with some kind of Ghost Rider. You see it all the time, but you never think this kind of thing can happen in your own community."

Sources close to the boy say, "He's just a little guy. He didn't know the difference between the video game Grand Theft Auto and his version, Grandma's Pathetic Auto."

Sources close to the Geo Tracker say, "Screw you! I get great gas mileage! At least our kids still have cabel!"