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May 07, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

When asked about his chances for becoming vice president, Newt Gingrich said, “Would you pick me?” "Yeah, good point," said every state but South Carolina and Georgia.

French Socialist Party candidate François Hollande appears to have defeated President Nicolas Sarkozy. But being that he's a socialist, he's going to share the victory with Sarkozy anyhow.

Shaquille O'Neal received his doctorate in education. Which should look great next to his master's in business Kazaaministration. 

Vice President Joe Biden said that he's “absolutely comfortable" with gay marriage. What else is he absolutely comfortable with? Pajamas, chairs that recline, and animals with people names.

A court in Texas ruled that the state could not stop taxpayer funds from going to groups that provide abortions. "As of now, we are still in business," assured the Cheesecake Factory. 

A memorial service for the Hindenburg was held today in Manchester, N.J., to mark the disaster's 75th anniversary. The first 100 attendees were rewarded with Oh the Humani-tees.

Police found a man’s body in a barn at this year's Kentucky Derby. Further deepening the mystery: How did he get turned into a horse?

"The Avengers" made a record-setting $200.3 million this weekend. Vastly improving upon the British original.

The National Christmas Tree died after being moved from the White House lawn. Further deepening the mystery: How did it get turned into a horse?

Amanda Bynes was pulled over after scraping her car against another vehicle just a month after being arrested for drunk driving. Of course, audiences will remember her as that girl you can't remember. 

Ron Paul won Maine's Republican primary. Just going to prove that if you remove all other options except one, Ron Paul is incredibly popular.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed a bill that will prevent abortion providers like Planned Parenthood from receiving public funds. A decision sure to haunt her when she needs a cheap mammogram following a "Prince and the Pauper"-type plot twist. 

In the Gulf of Mexico, concern has been raised over the spread of Asian tiger shrimp, which eat other shrimp. Of particular concern: delicious food realizing how delicious it is.