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June 26, 2017

Alicia has a new boyfriend and Legolas joins the team! 16 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' S03E05 "Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame"

1) Martha Does Not Look Alright

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You don’t need to be a Martha expert to take one look at Martha and know she is, in fact, NOT alright. At all. So there’s really no need to ask. It’s one of those pointless questions, like when a bartender asks if you want to make your drink a double at an airport bar. I’m not flying the plane, dude! Pour it up!

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Very efficient to kill yourself and your zombie wife with one bullet. This is like a way better ending of The Notebook.

2) Burning Down The House

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GUYS! Shit is going DOWN right now! We need to waste all of our perfectly good water trying to pointlessly put out this massive fire! Grab the bong from 2AM bible study, leave no drop un-splashed!

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“They mostly die in a fire. Mostly.”

Ugh. As has been previously discussed in one of the first recaps I ever wrote about the other zombie show, creepy little white girls are THE CREEPIEST. I think the earth is a scary enough place with the dead literally standing up and walking around to chew on folks. Not sure we need to add dead-eyed creepy white girls talking about death in the mix.

3) I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This Road Trip

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Madison, I don’t think you should go on a road trip with these guys playing G.I. Joe dress up who also tried to kill you and your son seven times since you met them. Wait, I take it back! His menacing “toodle-oo” finger wave to Nick really put all my concerns at ease.

4) Alicia’s First Hangover

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Damn, Sha. Looks like someone went a little too hard in the paint at bible study! Kids, right? They grow up so fast! Nothing helps me when I’m so hungover I can’t even hold a cup of coffee like a dude I barely know reciting the good book at me. It’s the only thing I want to hear!

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“Do you want some gin-soaked tater tots mixed with ecstasy and cocaine? Feels great! I CAN HEAR MY TEETH!”

HOLY SMOKES, YOUNG LADY. CALM DOWN PLEASE BECAUSE YOU ARE SCARING ME. Maybe you should actually read the bible at one of your bible studies. I can’t say for certain, but I’m pretty sure it frowns on some of this shit.

5) Nick Busted Out Some Spanish, So You Know His Promise Is Legit

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I thought Nick was full of shit until he busted out some Spanish to promise his new girlfriend he’d run away with her. But now I know it’s la verdad! Getting Nick to run away is a lot easier than she’s making it seem. Just tell him there’s some heroin twenty miles away hiding under an ill-fitting shirt, he’ll be all over it.

6) Strand Going Topless

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For a dude so concerned with not damaging a new whip (something I can relate to and respect) you’d think he’d maybe put the top up on his convertible before mowing down zombies. Those spattered guts can’t be good for the interior, Strand! I love how he’s trying to buy time. Like if they just stare at these zombies crossing the road for forty minutes, Daniel will forget he has a daughter and turn the car around. To be fair, it takes me way less than forty minutes to forget Salazar has a daughter so maybe this plan might work.

7) Alicia’s First Kiss

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They grow up REALLY fast! This guy really likes to drone on about bullshit. I don’t think she really likes this dude, she just figured putting her mouth on top of his was the quickest way to get him to shut up.

8) Legolas Is My New Favorite Character

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This guy surely must be aware he looks ridiculous, right? STOP TRYING TO BE DARYL, YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BE DARYL! Glad Troy is timing the duration of their pitstop kill sprees. The only thing lazier than his science is his bad eye.

9) Alicia’s First Awkward Morning After

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SLOW DOWN WITH THE GROWING UP, ALICIA! It is officially too fast! The morning after can be a real eye-opening experience. This cool person you just got naked with starts talking about their shitty hobbies and tries to give you books and you realize they suck. HARD PASS ON YOUR BOOK OF POEMS, NERD! NO THANKS.

10) Daniel FINALLY Explains How He Got Out Of That Fire!

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Just kidding! Anyone else think Strand’s driving cap is cute? I think Strand’s driving cap is cute!

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“Keys, hombre. It’s the universal symbol for keys.”

Breaking Bad is one of the best shows ever and this show is not and if this show wants to do Breaking Bad stuff more often I’m cool with it. How can one network air Breaking Bad AND Fear The Walking Dead? It would be like if you’re driving down the street and see a mansion with six water slides next to a pile of burning hamburger wrappers. Weird neighborhood! But at least you know who to rob if you’re into that sort of thing.

11) How Do You Almost Blow Your Dick Off Shooting Deer Drunk?

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This story makes no sense. How, exactly, do you almost shoot your dick off while hunting deer? Can someone draw me a diagram? Because even if the deer is a tiny deer crawling around on your dick, I think you’d still remember you have a dick and shooting it off would be a bad idea even if you wanted to murder this one of a kind tiny deer which I don’t think you’d really want to do in that scenario but I suppose you never know how you’re going to feel in a moment until you are in the moment. I guess what I’m trying to say is I only spent forty five minutes last night trying to figure that out and I haven’t read a full book in years.

12) Bad Brains

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YIKES. This crow snacking on a living dude’s noggin while he recited some nonsense was extremely gross, but also kinda cool I guess, and definitely more than a little confusing. Which is not dissimilar to how a 19 year old feels after she gets done having sex with Rob Schneider. Sometimes you just need to do it for the story! Then immediately get tested for every STD that’s been discovered by modern medical science.

13) …Who Is This Dude?

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Have we met him before? Who is he? I do not know this man. Way too often on this show, someone appears on screen and I ask myself these questions that should not be so difficult to answer. NO TIME FOR EXPLANATION, EVERYBODY GIVE HIM YOUR BOOTS! They probably should’ve seen this coming. His people call him Chief Runs With Your Boots and it’s not just a clever name.

14) Stranded

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Strand’s plan to lie to Daniel Salazar (known torturer brandishing an assault rifle) surprisingly didn’t go great. You know when things go off without a hitch? Strand is currently mayor of Hitch City. Notice how Salazar of all people has the audacity to say “let’s see how you get out of this” when we still have no idea how he got out of that flaming pickle he was so recently in. And we never will! And that’s OK, life is going to be harder than not knowing how one crazy dude got out of a burning Mexican wine cellar.

15) Surprise! The Crazy Guy Acted Crazy Again

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Madison got a knife held to her throat while she was trying to sleep and if this nut job tries to kill her or her family nine or ten more times she is TOTALLY out of there! Seriously! One or two dozen more violent attempts on her life and she’s donezo. Officially donezo.

16) Nick Got Broken Up With Via A Paper Email

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Bummer, Nick. Getting broken up with sucks, but getting broken up with via email sucks the most. IT HAPPENED TO ME, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. Just remember to handle it like an adult and reply with all of your exes on cc and let them know there’s a new person in the club and please welcome them into the monthly meetings where they discuss all the stuff that makes you trash.

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I was really hoping to see Alicia throw all his books off that cliff. If I wrote for this show, that’s what would’ve happened. But I don’t. Probably because if I wrote for this show, that’s what would’ve happened. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Alicia smoke meth off a combat knife at bible study? It seems to be the direction that party is heading. Will Madison, Troy, and Legolas get new Yeezys at Zombie Footlocker? Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean your feet can’t stay fresh. Will Nick EVER wear a shirt correctly? Not in this lifetime. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S03E06 of Fear The Walking Dead!