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July 02, 2015

From now on, the 5th of July will stand as a testament to one of history's biggest hangovers.

Congress voted to declare July 5th a national holiday in order to acknowledge the horrible regret hangover the Founding Fathers had the day after picking a fight with the world’s most powerful military force, England.

Senator Orin Hatch (R-Ut) spoke to the press after the landmark vote. “Based on writings and eyewitness accounts, the day after the Declaration of Independence was a painful one for many Founding Fathers. The reality hit them that they had just picked a fight with England AND that they would now have to rule a country of ex-criminals, religious fanatics and slave owners. We wanted to celebrate their sacrifice and how much that morning-after realization must have sucked.”

Thomas Jefferson’s famous letter to his family titled, “Oh shit, we smoked too much hemp and did something seriously stupid,” was quoted many times on the floor of the Senate.

“My Dearest Family, we got a bit nuts in Philadelphia and did something really, really stupid. We told England to fuck off and then said we’d rule this muddy collection of colonies filled with lunatics, illiterate drunks and racists. Shit. I’m thinking of moving to Canada. No one gives a dick about Canada.”

Benjamin Franklin was even more blunt in a conversation he had with two prostitutes in a hammock. “I thought we were joking. I really did. But when John Hancock signed I was like, ‘Is this happening? Are we going to really do this?’ I had eaten several potato nips with hemp in them and jiggers of apple wine and Madison and I couldn’t stop laughing. Now the British Army is going to put a bayonet up our stoned asses.”

One of the Founding Fathers, Horace Lenton, actually tried to use a compound to erase his signature from the Declaration of Independence. He mixed chemicals together to create what he called “parchment out.” After blocking out his signature he left saying, “You drunk idiots can sign that death paper, me, I’m going back to England and kissing the King’s white ass.”

“We’ve all done brash and bold things that we awoke the next day to regret. And what’s more regrettable than a bunch of farmers and a bald pervert (Franklin) starting a fight with the biggest army in the world?”

Senator Hatch said, “Now we have a national day to celebrate that sickening hangover of shame and regret.”